The most fertile grounds for nurturing crimes are families. In spite of
all the measures taken to decrease crime rates, violent crimes are increasing
in many families in modern, technologically advanced societies. More kids from
pre-school days become murderers than ever before. Most of them learn to become
criminals from the way they are brought up.
In some countries, while adult crime rates have fallen somewhat, crimes committed
by youths continue to rise. We learn from the mass media that many children
take guns to their schools. Sometimes we hear that very young children even
below the age of five, have shot their siblings or parents. Most of the time,
crimes among youths are related to drugs and alcohol, which are easily available
for children in some homes. Criminals are not born, but made by misguided and
inconsiderate families and by the environment in which they live.
It has become a 20th century fashion among many people to live together without
getting married. In some cases, children born into such circumstances suffer
from neglect. Quite often these children end up under the care and guidance
of one parent, usually the mother. The parent who is more irresponsible leaves
the children under the care of the other partner. Women, since they often experience
discrimination, have to work twice as hard as their male counterparts to provide
for themselves and their children. The modern global economy is such that women
are more underprivileged than even underprivileged men. As the entire social
structure has taken a completely different route from that of the traditional
one, support for the family is also almost nonexistent in many countries. Women
often suffer more as a result and their difficulties are reflected in families
they try to raise.
Children brought up by single parents often don't receive enough parental love
and care while growing up. Psychologically-troubled parents cannot give very
sound emotional fulfillment to their children. Their baby-sitters sometimes
are TV sets or other people who have been brought up the same way as those whom
they baby sit. Many a time, baby sitters are young girls who need money for
their own drugs or alcohol. They do not have any training in taking care of
babies. While baby-sitting, they themselves may be smoking or taking illegal
drugs. Under such circumstances, children do not receive enough and necessary
care, guidance, love and, most important, basic education. No baby sitter can
give the same love and care as mothers do. Children can never relate to baby
sitters as they do to their own parents.
When they grow up, such children may start their own careless and misguided
way of life. They don't receive proper religious education. Nor do they know
how to explore religions on their own. To make things worse for them, TV violence
becomes their role model. Many movie producers and writers are more interested
in making violent movies and writing books promoting violence so they can make
a few quick dollars. Children who grow up without proper guidance lay their
hands on these books and try to imitate what they watch on TV and what they
read in books.
Many parents are also not very careful about their guns and alcohol. Some parents
drink and smoke in front of their children. When they lose their own sense of
responsibility under the influence of alcohol, their senses are so dulled that
they do not remember to put away their bottles, cigarettes and guns in appropriate
places or to hide them away from children. They also unmindfully and carelessly
keep their loaded guns accessible to children. Children are inadvertently encouraged
to satisfy their natural curiosity by using guns, alcohol, drugs and cigarettes.
Some parents, who themselves come from broken families may be without much education
in moral and ethics to restrain their senses and so misbehave in front of their
children. Some parents, grandparents, uncles, and brothers even sexually abuse
young children. Sexually abused children grow up with unforgivable hatred towards
their abusers. Sometimes they themselves can turn into similar crimes as they
grow up.
Society often makes matters worse for troubled families and their children.
Gun producers are very glad to see more and more people using guns so that their
profit margin may grow. Drug abusers make greater profits by using small children,
mostly from broken families, for distributing and using drugs. Children who
make money by selling drugs do everything to devise any method to encourage
their peers to use and deal drugs. When their parents are not at home it may
be even more of a thrill to get hold of some drugs and alcohol from their own
parents unlocked repositories.
Divorce has also become the norm of the day in many technologically advanced
societies. The ones who suffer most from divorce are children. In their young
and tender years, children need all the love and care possible from both parents.
That is the age they need compassionate guidance and good role models to follow.
That is the age when the mind absorbs everything quickly like a sponge. When
their parents are divorced or separated prior to divorce, children can become
devastated and bewildered. Parents, who are struggling themselves to handle
their emotions and to put their own life together, cannot guide children in
the right direction, nor can they pay all the necessary attention to children
for their healthy growth. If totally neglected by parents, children seek solutions
to their problems from friends, many of whom themselves come from broken families.
None of them can truly help each other.
Even in homes untroubled by divorce, children may not see enough of their parents.
Parents are extremely busy these days making money to provide comfortable lives
for themselves and their children. Quite often they are not home because they
are doing more than one job to make more money. Some are not home because they
have to make numerous business-related trips out of town. Some parents who may
not be traveling are instead fully engaged in their work at the office. Some
are such workaholics they cannot spend a minute in their waking life without
doing something related to their jobs. Or, from very early in the morning they
commute to work and cannot return home until very late in the evening, and return
home with some more work to do at home. They might go to bed very late in the
evening and continue to think of their next day's work. They are busy working
every waking moment in the day and busy thinking of their next day's work even
in sleep at night.
Ask why they are so obsessed with work, and such parents might say that they
have to earn and save to provide for their family. But since they always live
in tension, they are always grouchy and grumpy. Grumbling, they wake up in the
morning, and grumbling they go to bed in the evening. Any tiny little thing
can irritate them. They don't have any time for themselves or children. They
believe if they earn more their children's future will be all right. But no
matter how much they earn it is not enough. And some parents who have more than
they need do not have time for their children because they spend more time with
their friends than with their families.
When children come home from school, they do whatever they like because there
is nobody at home to supervise them. In some cases, parents pick up their children
from schools on their way home from work and yet don't have time to listen to
them. They like children to be seen but not to be heard. Children are afraid
to talk to their parents lest they might anger them by telling them their problems.
Children's problems may continue to grow without ever having any time to discuss
them with their parents. Their peers are not in the best position to give them
meaningful advice.
Some parents look forward to getting rid of their children as soon as possible
so they can be free to do what they wish to do. Sadly, their children may look
forward to growing up quickly to be free from parents. In extreme cases, some
misguided, impatient children even kill their parents to be independent. Parents
wish to achieve their independence as quickly as possible. Parents become more
and more selfish and children become more and more independent. We know the
problems. There is no close loving relationship between parents and children.But
what are the solutions?
Of course, both-parents and children- can be independent and still have good
a relationship with one another. Relationships between parents and children
have been highly valued by the Buddha. To promote these good relationships,
the Buddha has advocated numerous measures. If parents fulfill their duties
and responsibilities towards children and if children fulfill their responsibility
toward parents, more harmonious and peaceful families can result.
People who equate money with happiness are often at the root of violent crimes.
Almost all crimes are committed by people who have not been educated in moral
and ethical values. If you invest all your interest, all your energy and time
in making money or in sensual pleasure at the cost of your children's future,
how can you expect your children to learn the distinction between good and evil?
Or if you teach your children to hate your neighbor because the neighbor is
different from you and your values, how can you expect your children to respect
anybody? Or if you teach your children to hate others who follow a religion
different from yours, how can you expect your children not to be violent? Or,
if you teach your children to hate others for speaking a different language
which you don't understand, how can you expect them to reduce crimes in the
society?
There is a low number of violent crimes in societies where there is a close
relationship between parents and children, a relationship between relatives,
and between families. In societies where there is a free exchange of time, wealth,
energy, knowledge, love and care, violent crime diminishes.
Blessed are the parents and children who have a loving relationship between
them. Blessed is the home where there is friendship and harmony. Parents should
make some sacrifices to give all their love and care to their children. Wise
parents should invest their time, energy and money to create a healthy home
environment where they can bring up their children happily. To take care of
their children, some benevolent parents take turns working outside the home.
In some cases, it would be advisable for parents who both must work to earn
sufficient income to support their families, to change their work schedules.
Sometimes, either father or mother may decide to stay home to take care of their
children if one of them earns enough income to support the family.
Good parents should should realize they are role models for their children.
To discipline children, parents must be disciplined themselves. If parents are
undisciplined, they cannot expect any discipline from their children. When parents
try to discipline children, sometimes children may rebel against their parents.
They might even say they hate their parents. Nevertheless, good parents should
not pay any attention to children's comments such as these. When children grow
up they will realize their parents disciplined them for their own benefit.
Sometimes, children may have important topic, related to anxious feelings or
learning problems or peer-problems, and may wish to discuss them with their
parents. Then, parents must listen to them mindfully, patiently and compassionately.
During the discussion, if children use abusive language parents should reprimand
them immediately then allow them to continue the discussion. If they show emotion,
parents should not play a co-dependent role and become too emotional, but listen
mindfully, hoping to help them. In other words, when children are angry parents
should listen to them mindfully and patiently without themselves getting angry,
so they can be effective in helping children.
Parents and children should have open and friendly discussions regularly. Parents
should admit their mistakes and apologize to children. If parents shout or curse
or throw their own temper tantrum, they should apologize to children either
immediately or later on and explain the reason why they behaved that way. They
should determine not to repeat that kind of behavior in front of children. Children
also should be encouraged to admit their mistakes and apologize to parents.
Parents should appreciate the good things children do or any improvement they
have made. Reward and punishment works with everybody.
If there are several children in a family, parents should be fair to all of
them. In dealing with family problems, parents always should exercise caution
to do justice to all of the children. If they should praise one child more than
others in front of everybody, their siblings may become jealous of the one that
was praised. When parents are full of loving-kindness and compassion, solving
any family problem is easy.
Parents should treat children with honor and dignity, as wonderful human beings
who are going to take the world's responsibility into their hands one day. Whenever
children do something good, parents should never forget to appreciate and reward
them, at least in words. When children do something unethical, immoral and harmful,
parents should immediately reprimand them and talk to them directly. Have an
immediate meeting with them. Parents should know when to reprimand them in private
and when to reprimand them in a family meeting, in front of everybody. Also,
neither the father nor mother should criticize each other in front of children.
They should have their own private meeting to discuss their problems.
Parents should choose the right words, right attitude, right moment and right
place to tell the right things to children. In every situation and every moment
parents should make sure that they really and sincerely love their children.
They must assure their children that they honestly love them. If you humiliate
children in front of everybody, children may do many wrong things secretly.
They will also learn to be hypocritical. Parents must be very honest with children.
If parents are dishonest children lose respect for them. You as parents cannot
demand respect if you don't deserve it. You should learn to earn it by your
own behavior and attitude towards children. And don't think to be their teacher
all the time. Children, too, are very good teachers to parents. Whatever parents
see something they can learn from children, they should learn it from them without
any hesitation.
One of the best things parents can do to establish and maintain a friendly and
loving relationship with children is to spend some time practicing loving-kindness
meditation and mindfulness meditation. They should make it a habit to encourage
children to join them a few minutes every day practicing meditation. In many
good Buddhist families, parents and children spend a few minutes reciting some
religious verses. They have little home shrines where they assemble every day
at least for a few minutes. To build up this good habit, parents can meditate
with children twice a day, at least five minutes each time.