As human beings we have achieved a level of material progress we would not have even dreamed of barely a century ago. The marvels of modern technology have given us enormous power over the forces of nature. We have conquered many disasters but the ultimate question is: 'Are we happier than our ancestors were in the past?' The answer is: 'No'.
The abuse of women, children and the underprivileged religious and racial discrimination, color bar, and caste distinction continue on unabated.
Perhaps those who enjoy material comforts suffer more acutely than their 'poor' fellow beings. Mental illnesses, stress and loneliness are some of the serious problems we now face in our modern society. But the vital question is: Who is responsible for all the evils that haunt the world today?'
There are many who are quite eager to take the credit for the progress that mankind has achieved. Religionists, scientists, politicians and economists- are all quick to claim that humanity is indebted to them for progress. But who must share the blame? I believe that everyone is equally responsible. Let us turn the spotlight on ourselves and ask ourselves to declare in all honesty if we also have been responsible for failing to bring peace and happiness to our fellow beings.
All of us are responsible for some of the horrors taking place in our midst today because we are too afraid to tell the truth. Let us take for example the exploitation of man's desire for sensual gratification. Greed for money and power has led some unscrupulous people to develop a multi-million dollar industry, to providing sensual pleasures in every possible way and young children are being trapped and victimized in the process.
Never before in the history of the world, has the human race been in such great need to be free from conflict, ill-feeling, selfishness, decent and strife. We are in dire need of peace nor only in our personal life at home and work, but also at the global level. The tension, anxiety and fear arising from the conflict are not only disruptive but continue to exert a constant drain on our well-being, mentally and physically. In their desire to completely dominate everything around them, humans have become the most violent beings in this world. They have succeeded, to some extent, but in so doing have paid a terrible price. They have sacrificed peace of mind for material comfort and power.
The basic problem we face today is moral degeneration and misused intelligence. In spite of all the advances made by science and technology, the world is far from being safe and peaceful. Science and technology have indeed made human life more insecure than ever before. If there is no spiritual improvement in the way we handle our problems then humanity itself is in danger of being wiped out.
GOING BEYOND WORLDLY PLEASURES
The religions of the world have always maintained that human happiness does not depend merely upon the satisfaction of physical appetites and passions, or upon the acquisition of material wealth and power. Even if we have all the worldly pleasures, we still cannot be happy and peaceful if our minds are constantly obsessed with anxiety and hatred arising from ignorance with regard to the true nature of existence.
Genuine happiness cannot be defined solely in terms of wealth, power, children , fume or inventions. These no doubt bring some temporary physical and mental comfort but they cannot provide lasting happiness in the ultimate sense. This is particularly true when possessions are unjustly acquired or obtained through misappropriation. They become a source of pain, guilt and sorrow rather than bring happiness to the possessor.
Too often we are made to believe that pleasing the five senses can guarantee happiness. Fascinating sights, enchanting music, fragrant scents, delicious tastes and enticing body contact mislead and deceive us, only to make us slaves to worldly pleasures. While no one will deny that there is momentary happiness in the anticipation of pleasure as well as during the gratification of the senses, such pleasures are fleeting. When one views these pleasures objectively, one will truly understand the fleeting and unsatisfactory nature of such pleasures. One will thus gain a better understanding of realty: what this existence really means and how true happiness can be gained!
We can develop and maintain inner peace only by turning our thoughts inwards instead outwards. We must be aware of the dangers and pitfalls of the destructive forces of greed, hatred and delusion. We must learn to cultivate and sustain the benevolent forces of kindness, love and harmony. The battle-ground is within us and is not fought with weapons or with any other sources but only with our mental awareness of all negative and positive forces within our minds.
Mindfulness makes a full man. A full man speaks with an open mind. And like a parachute, the mind works better when it is fully opened. This awareness is the key to unlock the door from conflict and strife as well as wholesome thoughts emerge.
The mind is the ultimate source of all happiness and misery. For there to be happiness in the world, the mind of an individual must first be at peace and happy. Individual happiness is conducive to the happiness of society, while the happiness of society means happiness of the nation. It is on the happiness of nations that the happiness of this world is built. Here we must use the image of a net. Imagine the whole universe as an immense net and each being as a single knot in this net. If we disturb one knot, the whole net is shaken. So each individual must be happy to keep the world happy.
From the lessons of life, it is clear that real victory is never gained by strife. Success is be never achieved by conflict. Happiness is never experienced through ill-feeling. Peace is never achieved by accumulating more wealth or gaining worldly power. Peace is gained only by letting go of our selfishness and helping the world with acts of love. Peace in the heart conquers all opposing forces. It also helps us maintain a healthy mind and live a rich and fulfilling life of happiness and contentment. 'Since it is in the minds of men that wars are fought, it is in the minds of men that the fortresses of peace must be built'.
SENSUAL PLEASURES
Today, especially in many so-called affluent societies, people are facing more problems, dissatisfaction and mental derangement than in under-developed societies. This is because men have become slaves in their sensual pleasures and crave for worldly enjoyment without proper moral and spiritual development. Their tensions, fears, anxieties, and insecurity disturb their minds. This state of affairs has become the biggest problem in many countries. Since people in developed societies have not learnt to maintain contentment in their lives hence naturally they will experience unsatisfactoriness.
There are four areas where man is trying to find the aim of life:
- Material or physical level;
-Likes and dislikes or pleasant or unpleasant feeling;
- Studying and reasoning;
- Sympathetic understanding, based on pure justice and fair dealing,
The last one is the realistic and lasting method which never creates disappointment. Today, people need more wealth, not only for their living and to fulfill their obligations, but because their craving for accumulation has increased. It has become a sort of competition.
In experience worldly pleasure there must be an external object or partner but to gain mental happiness it is not necessary to such have an external object.
Many young people have lost confidence in themselves and have to face difficulty in dealing what to do with their lives. The main cause of this mental attitude is excessive ambition and anxieties created by competition, jealousy and insecurity. Such problems naturally create a very bad atmosphere for others who want to live peacefully. It is a fact that when one individual creates a problem, his behavior in turn effects the well being of others.
Animal never experience happiness but pleasure. Happiness is not based on the arbitrary satisfaction of one's own self but in the sacrifice of one's pleasure for the well-being of others.
USING WEALTH PROPERTY
To most people a wealthy person, community or nation is one that is 'rich' in the sense of possessing assets or money which constitute material gain. The word 'wealth' originally meant state of well-being (weal). The word 'commonwealth' carries this meaning. But it is now used to refer to property which generally promotes material well-being rather than the mental state of being well.
Of course we cannot deny that desire for wealth is a valuable adjunct to success if held within proper bounds. Desire , in itself, is not evil. Unrestrained, however, desire leads to restless discontentment, envy, greed, fear and cruelty to fellow beings. The accumulation of money may aid in the achievement of a kind of happiness to some extent, but does not in itself bring total satisfaction. Where most men of vast means fail is when they confuse the means with the end. They do not understand the nature, meaning and proper function of wealth, that is merely a 'means' by which one can gain the 'end' of supreme happiness. But one can be happy without being rich. An old Chinese tale will illustrate this.
Once there was a king who wanted to know how to be truly happy. One of his ministers advised him that to be happy he would have to wear the shirt of a man who was truly happy. After a long time he found such a man, but the happy man had no shirt to give the king. That was why he was happy!
Wealth should be used well and wisely. It should be used for one's welfare as well as that of others. If a person spends his time clinging to his property, without fulfilling his obligations toward his country, people and religion, he will lead an empty life plague with worries. Too many people are obsessed with material gain, to the point that they forget their responsibilities to their families and fellow beings. Happiness is a strange thing. The more you share it, the more you get satisfaction .
If one is selfish, when the time comes for one to leave the world, one will realize too late that one had not made full use of his or her wealth. No one, even a wealthy person, will have really benefited from the riches so painstakingly accumulated.
ACCUMULATION OF WEALTH
Some people think that by accumulation more and more wealth, they can overcome their problems. So they try to become billionaires, working hard, but after becoming billionaires, they have to face many more unexpected problems - insecurity, unrest, enemies and difficulty in maintaining their wealth. This, clearly shows that the accumulation of wealth alone is not the solution for human problems. Wealth no doubt can help to overcome certain problems but not all the world's happiness can be gained through money. Money cannot eradicate natural problems.
Philosophers, great thinkers and rationalists have pointed out the nature of human weaknesses and how to overcome them. However, many people regard them as mere theories and not as solutions to their problems. Sometimes the intellect actually creates more problems because it increases our egoistic opinions about ourselves.
THE BUDDHA'S ADVICE FOR EARNING
Contrary to misconceptions held by certain quarters that Buddhism, with its spirit of tolerance and particularly in its practice of meditation, does not encourage its followers to work hard and to be industrious. The Buddha , in his many discourses, in fact strongly encouraged his followers not to be idle and indolent but to work hard and to be industrious so as to accumulate wealth through righteous means to maintain economic stability. Whilst encouraging the accumulation of wealth, the Buddha incidentally warned his followers not to violate any ethical or religious principles in so doing. He also advised that man should not become a slave to the mere accumulation of wealth just for accumulation for sake but to protect it without neglect and waste. He advised that wealth should serve as an adequate means of livelihood for the family, should be utilized to assist relatives and friends where necessary, and to help the poor and needy as charitable acts.
In his discourse on various types of happiness in relation to wealth, the Buddha gave four practical classifications of happiness as follows:
- Happiness in the possession of wealth through righteous and legitimate means
- Happiness through the proper and correct usage of accumulated wealth;
- Happiness in the knowledge free from indebtedness to anyone;
- Happiness in the knowledge that no illicit or illegitimate means had been employed in the course of accumulating wealth and that no one had been harmed or injured in so doing.
MAN'S PLACE ON THIS PLANET
From the Buddhist point of view, man is different from animals because only he alone has developed his intelligence and understanding to reflect his reasoning. Man means 'one who has mind to think'. The purpose of religion is to help man to think
correctly, to raise him above the level of the animal, to help him understand his relationship with his universe and live in harmony with it so that he reaches his ultimate goal of supreme happiness and fulfillment.
The three questions which have baffled man ever since he was able to satisfy his three basic survival needs of food, shelter and procreation are:'Who am I? What am I doing here? Am I needed? Throughout the history of man, many thought-systems have evolved, with religion being foremost among them, to provide answers to these questions. Naturally, since man asked them in the first place, the answers were all seen from the point of view of man himself.
MAN IN THE UNIVERSE
Long ago man had been seen himself as being in the centre of the Universe, as its most important inhabitant. According to this point of view , the world was made for humans, for themselves to obtain from it what they wanted because they were the most favored creatures on it and everything that existed on this planet was for their sole pleasure.
This so called "Humanistic" view may be directly responsible for the terrible rape of our planet and our disregard for the rights of other beings which co-exist with us. For example there have been tragic cases where certain species of animals become extinct through needless slaughter by unsympathetic humans in pursuit of their sporting pleasure or business purposes. Even today the subjugation of nature by science and technology is being applauded. We must increase the number of those amongst us who have already realized the vast destruction that has been wrecked by man in the name of 'progress'. Up until now nature has been most forgiving and it has allowed man to continue to think that this planet was made for him to rape and plunder at will, to satisfy his insatiable greed for material possessions and sensual gratification. Today there are many warning signs to indicate that the comfortable times are about to end. Hopefully, if Compassion and Right View will not save the world , then at least the same selfishness and desire for self-preservation and self-gratification will force man to give some sensible thought to our impoverished environment and our suffering fellow creatures on this earth.
To understand the place of man in the Universe from a Buddhist point of view we must first of all look at the Buddha's views on the cosmos. According to Him, the Universe is to be understood in terms of a vast cosmic space. His teaching categorized the whole universe into three groups: planets with living beings, planets with elements and only space itself.
We can see man as a specially favored creature that had come into existence to enjoy the pleasures of a specially formed planet or the centre of the universe, Buddhism views man as a tiny being not only in strength but also in life span. Man is no more than just another creature but with intelligence that inhabits universe.
Biologically, humans are weaker than any other beings big or small. Other animals are born armed with some sort of weapon for their own protection and survival. Humans, on the other hand have their mind for every thing but not as a weapon. Humans are regarded as cultured living beings because they are to harmonize with others but not to destroy them. Religion was discovered by them for this purpose. Everything that lives share the same life force which energizes man. They are part of the same cosmic energy which takes various forms during endless rebirths, passing from human to animal, to divine form and back again, motivated by the powerful craving for existence (the survival instinct) which takes them from birth to death and to rebirth again in a never-ending cycle called samsara. The three detrimental sources of man which bind him to samsara are Greed, Hatred and Delusion.
This cycle can only be broken irrevocably through the development of Wisdom which destroy these fetters and puts an end to craving. Our share fate as beings who inhabit this planet is that we all want desperately to go on living.
'All tremble at the rod
All fear death
Knowing that
One should neither strike
nor cause to strike' (Dhammapada)
All things depend on each other for their existence. A man cannot see himself as different from (let alone being superior to) other beings because his body is solely dependent on food, which means he is dependent on plants, water, oxygen, etc. for his existence. At the same time his mind also exists dependently because the existence of thoughts rely on sense data which are derived from the external world of objects and persons. The whole universe must be seen as an immense net: if only one knot in it is shaken, the whole net vibrates. Man owes allegiance to the world because he is dependent on it for his existence both physically and mentally. His attitude towards the world should therefore not be the arrogance of a pampered only child but one of humility: the world was not made for him alone, nor is the world always made out in his favor. Worldly conditions have no favoritism; they are neither kind nor cruel but neutral. Man exists because the rest of the world allows him to do so.
Therefore he should not try to squeeze things out from the world only for his own benefit. He must maintain a sense of awe and respect towards nature and all beings. Man is a relative newcomer to the planet Earth. He must learn to respect his other brethren. He must learn to behave more like a guest rather than a player in a card game where the winner takes all.
It was in recognition of this interdependence that the Buddha advised his followers to practice metta (loving-kindness) to all, to radiate that compassion towards all beings. The Buddha does not mean that men should extend their love to fellow human beings only (he certainly does not recommend special treatment for their 'fellow Buddhists'). Whenever he talks about loving others he always speaks of 'all beings' (sabbe satta) even those lacking material form, the conscious, the super conscious.
Three modes of birth: living beings are those that are moisture-born, egg-born, womb-born and those spontaneously arising in other planes of existence. Clearly the Buddha was teaching that if a man is to live on this planet he must develop an attitude of loving kindness towards not only fellow human beings but all beings that inhabit this planet as well as in other planes of existence. Only then can he vanquish the selfish thoughts which place his needs and survival above the needs of all others.
In Buddhist cosmology man is simply the inhabitant of one of the existing planes one can go to after death. These range from superconscious levels through the highly sensuous down to the four unhappy states. Man occupies a mid-way position in these realms. The so-called divine realms are 'happy' state but they too are impermanent. Although there are indications to lead us to believe that some intelligent living beings do exist in other world systems, it is not verifiable whether there are beings similar to humans in other planets of the universe. It is in terms of this infinite vast cosmic context that Buddhism tries to understand the place of man in the universe. In terms of that context man seems to be small. We must add to this man's propensity for cruelty, for his ability to inflict pain on others which makes him at times far less admirable than animals which only attack to satisfy their basic need for food, shelter or sex.
MAN'S UNIQUE POSITION
One might argue that this is a very negative view of man, relegating him to an inferior position and disregarding his magnificent achievements in philosophy, religion, psychology, science, the arts, architecture, literature and development of culture and the like. Far from it, in this cosmic context humans assume a unique position because they have the most rare privilege of easy accessibility to salvation. It is for three reasons.
Human world is a good, well-balanced mixture of pleasure and pain. When pleasure is intensified (in the divine realms) or pain in predominant (in the lower world) one's mind does not turn towards spirituality. Buddhists maintain that extreme austerity or extreme self indulgence are not conducive to the development of wisdom and understanding . The Middle Path between extreme pleasure and austerity is advocated and the human world provides man the opportunity to tread the Middle Path. The second reason is the relative short span of human life and the unpredictability of the time of death. Faced with imminent death one is more often inclined to spirituality. The third reason is that while in other realms the inhabitants are mere passive recipients of the effects of their past kamma, man is a favorable position to create fresh kamma, and is thus able to shape his own destiny.
All of this gives man the responsibility to work out his own salvation in the human plane. He is in effect his own Creator and Savior. Many others believe that religion has come down from heaven but Buddhists know that Buddhism started on the earth and reached heaven.
What this implies is that each man has within him the Buddha-seed (potential for perfection) which he can develop without any external aid. One can become a Buddha through birth in the human plane , because it is here that he can experience existence in its entirely. Buddhists would certainly agree with Shakespeare's view of the human paradox -
What a piece of work is man
how noble in reason,
how infinite in faculties in form and moving;
how express and admirable in action,
how like an angel in apprehension,
how like a god, the beauty of the world
the paragon of animals; and yet to me what is this quintessence of dust?
-Hamlet 2-2
In many ways man is ignorant, yet he has the seed to become the highest of all beings, a fully enlightened one. Some people say that human life is between heaven and hell because the human mind can be developed easily to experience heavenly bliss, and when it is abused it could very easily experience suffering in hell.
Man is man only if he has that human concern or human heartiness.
Proud man hath no heaven
The envious man hath no neighbor
An angry man hath not even himself.
-Chinese philosophy
'The individual by himself is helpless. Hence the social life of man which brings forth co-operative power. Man cannot be man without society. Man is one with nature' . -- (Greek philosopher)
In the teaching of the Buddha it is mentioned that human beings experience heavenly bliss when the objects impinging on the five senses are favorable and soothing.
On the other hand they also experience suffering like in hell if the objects are irritable and disturbing.
WHAT BUDDHISM REQUIRES OF MAN
What Buddhism require of man? A Chinese scholar once asked a monk what constituted the essence of Buddhism and the sage replied:
To do good, not to do evil
To purify mind,
This is the teaching of all the Buddha's.
Naturally this scholar had expected a much more 'profound' answer, something deep and abstruse, and he remarked that even a child of three could understand that. But the sage replied that while a child of three could understand it, a man of eighty could not practice it !
The Buddha has similarly cautioned his attendant disciple , Ananda not to regard seemingly simple teachings as something easy to follow.
This is the essence of Buddhism- Man is required to follow startlingly 'simple' precepts in his search for emancipation, but the practice of these can be extremely difficult.
To begin with:
-he must not take the life of any living creature knowingly;
- he must not take anything not given
-he must refrain from lying and harsh frivolous speech;
-he must guard against sexual misdemeanor;
-he must no take anything (like drugs and liquor) which causes him to lose his mindfulness.
These are important Buddhist principles to observe.
These principles are not meant for expression but to be simply put into practice with understanding. The central problem of the spiritual life is one of active, practical application, not a matter of intellectual knowledge.
The ultimate aim of man in Buddhism is to break finally and irrevocably the bonds that bind him to constant rebirth in the repeated birth- and- death cycle of samsara. He is destined to be subjected to an endless round of rebirths because in his ignorance, man conceives of an enduring entity called on 'ego' or 'self'.
Taking the illusion of an ego for real he develops selfish desires. Man is thus endlessly struggling to satisfy his cravings but he is never satisfied. It is like scratching a sore to find temporary relief, only to discover that in doing so the itch has increased because the sore has been aggravated.
THE INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE
Marriage is a partnership in which two individuals of opposite sexes but equal worth as human beings choose to live together. A happy and lasting marriage requires a lot of hard work and commitment where love is fed with shared experiences, joys and sorrows.
Marriage is the culmination of love by two individuals committed to one another by a common bond. 'How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach ...'(Robert Browning). We believe as Browning does, that love is the essence of life itself, something which transcends boundaries, race and creed.
Marriage has failed to fulfill its purposes today because people have failed to recognize the importance of equality and respect for women. These privileges are enjoyed by many women in a large number of areas of human activity. Strangely when it comes to marriage, women are still treated badly. The importance of the role of women in society was undoubtedly widened after the advent of Buddhism in India, giving them a wide scope to venture into vacations besides house-keeping. In spite of this, for the vast majority, to get married and rear children remained the normal choice of career. But there was a difference: married life was ennobled by the noble position given to it by the Buddha himself to such an undertaking. He lifted the married women from a state of servant to a state of responsibility and importance. As an indication of the Buddha's concern for maintenance of happiness through marriage, he laid down specific instructions for the guidance of husband and wife.
The Buddha was full of praise for happy couples. Among his lay disciples were Nakulamata and Nakulapita who were considered most eminent for having lived together amicably for a long time. The Buddha praised them and gave instructions to others as to how they too could live happily in marriage. These instructions given over two thousand five hundred years ago hold good even to this day. Much misery has been experienced in modern times by men and women in married life because they deviated from these instructions.
The institution of marriage in ancient India was governed by the concept of caste, the position of women, the rights of men and the four stages of the individual's life. The Buddha's rejection of the concept of the caste system meant that the Buddhist institution of marriage was emancipated from these rigid and inflexible rules, regulations and rituals which had become a great obstacle to the free and unprejudiced behavior of the members of society both male and female.
The discourse of Fundamentals of Buddhist Social Ethic, (Sigalovada Sutra) generally lays down the basic pattern of relationships between husband and wife, parents and children, and enumerates the reprisal duties that bind them together emphasizing the most essential aspects of their common life.
The comprehensive study of the Buddhist institution of marriage outlined in the Buddha's teaching clearly shows that was intended for the enjoyment, promotion and moralization of biological needs, psychological satisfaction and material well-being of both husband and wife without any reference to specific customs, sacraments or any kind of ideology, religious or otherwise.
According to the Buddha, cultural compatibility between husband and wife was considered as one of the factors of successful married life. Many of today's problems in marriage arise from the inability of the parties concerned to recognize the sacrifices involved. Marriage is not simply lust and romance. Romance is not a bad thing in itself, but it is emotional and has limitations.
There will be less disillusion and heartache in marriage if we understand that, from the illusions of romance, a deep and abiding love may emerge. Love is a passionate and abiding desire, on the part of two people, to produce together conditions under which each can express his of her real self and to produce together an intellectual soil and an emotional climate in which each can flourish, far superior to what either could achieve alone.
In the past we heard of blissfully married couples who shared the sweetness of love earned through years of being together, for better or for worse. For most who have been long-married couples, 'happily ever after did not just happen. Couples in long, happy marriages mentioned this fact of life when asked what made their relationships a success'. 'We worked to keep the romance alive. We enjoyed our differences and learned from them.
'We voiced our discontents freely and deal with them right away instead of letting them build into thunderclouds'. But in a way, the thing all successful couples have in the common was reflected in this observation: 'Even when things were really bad, we were both too stubborn to quit'. Perhaps what characterizes modern couples with problems is that they want things to work out too easily as it happens on television. No, everything good must be earned through hard work.
For many the road to marital longevity has not been soothe. The bumps included many things: inability to have children, the death of a child, a disabled child. a difficult economic crisis and highly stressful career changes.
Although none of the couples surveyed said so specifically it was obvious that two other factors were important to their marital success. Firstly, even though some couples forced considerable differences in personality and sometimes carried heavy emotional baggage, they maintained respect for one another always and refrained from trying to remake their partners. A wife once told her husband: 'You married me for what I am'. He retorted, 'No, I married you for what you would become'. Now of course both parties were wrong because their expectations were different and they were unwilling to compromise. Secondly, none of the marriages was marred by psychological disturbances too severe to preclude a true partnership. There was a wife who always used to insult her husband even for a minor mistake stating: 'You are a stupid man'. The husband on the other hand was a tolerant man. However, one day when he was scolded by the wife using the same word the husband retorted: ' I think you are right. If I were not stupid man, do you think that I would ever marry a woman like you?' From that day onwards she did not repeat that insulting word.
To achieve a successful marriage, couples also need to understand and accept the differences between the two genders. Couples sometimes become frustrated with each other and wish that their partner was more like them. Knowing and being able to tolerate the differences between men and women helps a lot in marriage.
A mate who is willing to weather the hard times and make the adjustments that come with children, job changes, financial difficulties or simply learning more about the person one is married to, is the real secret to a successful marriage.
Another saying on married life: Wife becomes a mistress to a young man, a companion to the middle aged, and a nurse to an old man'.
Many couples with children are determined to stay together at least until their children are grown up. With just a little effort these years can be among the most fulfilling times in a marriage.
Marriage is a blessing but many people turn their married lives into misery and a curse. Poverty is not the main cause of an unhappy married life. Both husband and wife must learn to share the pleasure and pain of everything in their daily lives. Mutual understanding is the secret of a happy family life.
In a true marriage, man and woman think more of the partnership than they do of themselves individually. Marriage is a bicycle made for two. A feeling of security and contentment comes from mutual efforts.
A wife is not her husband's servant. She deserves respect as an equal. Though a man is generally regarded even today as being the bread winner helping out with household chores do not demean his masculinity. At the same time, a nagging and grumpy wife is not going to make up for shortages in the home. Neither will her suspicion of her husband help to make a happy marriage. If her husband has shortcomings, only tolerance and kind words will get him to see light. It is important in marriage to keep tolerance alive throughout. Little things can mean a lot. Right understanding and moral conduct are the practical sides of wisdom.
From time immemorial, flowers have been considered the language of love. They don't cost much. Wives, or for that matter all women, attach a lot of importance to birthdays and anniversaries, and caring husbands should never be too busy to keep love alive with little tributes and attentions. Trivialities such as these are at the bottom of most marital happiness. Wives do appreciate such little attentions from their courteous husbands and it is this lifelong goodwill that keeps the home fires burning.
A carefully developed family affection is a simple formula that works both for keeping marriages together and bringing up children of good character. True love means being willing to value ones' partner and being unwilling to devalue him or her in the presence of other people. This willingness has to spring from the heart. The key difference between marriages that work and those that do not is how much a couple value each other. Criticizing, putting down or belittling a spouse particularly in the presence of other people, erodes a relationship. And even this is not enough as each still has to value the other as he or she is a rare gem.
Sometimes words are not necessary if there is understanding. An elderly father one confessed to his children that he loved their mother very much and told them to take care of her always, even after he was no more. He confided to them that she was the best woman in the world and that the family as indeed lucky to have her around. The wife, now in her 60's, has seven grown children and as many grandchildren. Yet she confessed that she never once heard the endearing words 'I love You' ever uttered or whispered to her- not even a variation of it. The wife, who belongs to the old school of Chinese philosophy, is quite content with her husband's own caring ways and concern for her happiness in their blissful married life. Her female intuition somehow tells her that deep down in his heart he truly loves her and that she could not have been dealt a better deck of cards. It is in the nature of some people not to speak out their feelings, but they care. We have to watch out for their actions. The next key to a harmonious marriage is to work towards achieving one's objective. It is a law of nature that if no effort is put into, for instance, a garden, weeds will grow instead of beautiful flowers. The same goes for marriage.
Faith, not necessary in the religious sense, (though it helps tremendously if a couple shares similar religious beliefs) is another vital ingredient in a lasting relationship.
How important is sex in a marriage? Sex is a natural instinct and if enjoyed within its proper boundaries can bring about great happiness. Sex helps to keep a marriage glowing, and is an important and vital area that keeps a marriage together. It creates intimacy, a shred experience between two people which no one else is party to. It makes the relationship precious and private. The important thing to appreciate here is the fact that men and women see sex differently. While men may view sex as an intense physical activity, women do not. For her, it involves an interaction with the man she loves, that is with gentleness, his care and concern. Understanding the fact that women need intimacy and closeness makes the sexual activity a lot more meaningful and fulfilling.
Sex is much more than the gratification of an appetite. It is the basis of an intimate lifelong companionship, and the means of bringing into the world children whom we love and cherish as long as we live.
Through the ages we have learned that love and mutual respect must be the basis of close intimacy between the sexes. Sex, like any other tendency in man, must be regulated by reason. Man, not being governed by instincts like lesser animals, would find his tendencies running wild were he not to regulate them with reason.
There a saying:' Like fire, sex is a good servant but a bad master'
A society grows a network of relationships which are mutually intertwined and inter-dependent. Every relationship is a wholehearted commitment to support and to protect others in a group of community.
Marriage plays a very important part in this strong web of relationships of giving support and protection. A good marriage should grow and develop gradually from understanding and not impulse, from true loyalty and not just sheer indulgence.
The institution of marriage provides a fine basis for the development of culture, a delightful association of two individuals to be nurtured, and to be free from loneliness, deprivation and fear. In marriage, each partner develops a complementary role, giving strength and moral courage to each other, with each manifesting a supportive and appreciative recognition to the other's skills.
There must be no thought of man or woman being superior - each is complementary to the other, a partnership of equality, exuding gentleness, generosity, calm and dedication and most important of all, self-sacrifice.

Human Life and Problems
Venerable K. Sri Dhammananda
---o0o---
[02]
THE BUDDHA'S ADVICE TO A COUPLE
I- THE WIFE:
In advising women about their role in married life, the Buddha appreciated the fact that peace and harmony of a home rested largely on a woman. His advice was realistic and practical when he explained a number of day-to-day characteristics which a woman should or should not cultivate. On diverse occasions, the Buddha counseled that a wife should:
- not harbor evil thoughts against her husband
- not be cruel, harsh or domineering
- not be spendthrift but should be economical and live within her means;
- guard and save her husbands' hard-earned earnings and property;
- always be attentive and chaste in mind and action;
- be faithful and harbor no thought of any adulterous acts;
- be refined in speech and polite in action;
- be kind, industrious and hardworking;
- be thoughtful and compassionate towards her husband;
- be modest and respectful;
- be cool, calm and understanding - serving not only as a wife but also as a friend and adviser when the need arises.
According to Buddhist teaching, in a marriage, the husband can expect the following qualities from his wife:
-love: A deep and abiding love is the most emotional and spontaneous expression of desire and self-fulfillment a husband expects of his wife. It is indeed the basis of an intimate life-long mutual relationship and the means of bringing into the world children whom they will love and cherish as long as they live. Here love is not limited to mere attachment (prema), but it is an all pervading quality of wishing for the genuine well-being of her husband.
- attentiveness: To be ever heedful, mindful and diligent, as well as to give her undivided attention to her husband's needs;
- family obligations: Besides fulfilling the duties and responsibilities of the couple's own family, the wife should also honor and respect her in-laws and deserving relatives and treat them as she would her own parents;
- faithfulness: Is associated with chastity, fidelity and steadfastness of the wife. It also implies being trust worthy and giving her constant devotion to her husband;
- Child-care: Motherly love is the foundation of all love in the world. As a devoted mother she would through her maternal instincts, even venture out at the risk of her life, for the protection of her only child;
- thrift: As the wife is entrusted with the task of home management it is incumbent on her to be that household expenditure is kept well within the family budget provided by the husband. To accomplish this task, the wife has to economize on her expenditure and exercise thrift, even to the extent of being frugal in doing so;
- the provision of meals: As the mistress of the house, it is the duty of the wife to prepare good nourishing food for the family. The family meal is an important event each day as it develops goodwill and togetherness;
- to calm him down when he is upset: When the husband returns home in an agitated state, the wife has to express herself in a soothing manner so as to pacify and comfort him. This will ease the situation;
- sweetness in everything: Besides expressing her endearing and tender feelings, the wife should also possess a charming disposition, be always cheerful, pleasant and comely.
II- THE HUSBAND
The Buddha, in reply to a householder as to how a husband should minister to his wife, declared that the husband should always honor and respect his wife, by being faithful to her, by giving her the requisite authority to manage domestic affairs and by giving her befitting ornaments. This advice, given over twenty five centuries ago, still stand good till today.
Over the centuries, male dominated societies have perpetuated the myth that men are superior to women but the Buddha made a remarkable change and uplifted the status of woman by a simple suggestion that a husband should honor and respect his wife. Such a remark may be common today, but when we consider it was made 2500 years ago, it is no less than revolutionary!
A husband should be faithful to his wife which means that a husband should fulfill and maintain his marital obligations to his wife, thus sustaining the confidence in the marital relationship in every sense of the word.
The husband being the bread-winner, has to invariably be away from home, hence he should entrust the domestic or household duties to the wife who should be considered as the custodian and manager of their property and as the home economic-administrator.
The provision of befitting ornaments to the wife should be symbolic of the husband's love, care and appreciation showered on her. This symbolic practice has been carried out from time immemorial in Buddhist communities.
Unfortunately today it is in danger of dying out because of the adverse influence of the modern way of life.
The wife expectations from the husband are:-
- tenderness: Being gentle and respectful to the wife on all matters when attending to her needs;
- courtesy: Being polite, obliging, civil and modest in his dealings and consultations with his wife;
- sociability: Being genial, friendly, communicative and compatible at all times with his wife in the company of their friends and visitors to their home;
- security: The principal objective a wife seeks in her marriage is security to be provided by her husband.
In this respect the husband is expected to be a tower of strength so as to withstand any form of external threat to the family and to provide them with adequate protection and safety at all times;
-fairness: As a responsible husband, he should be giving , compassionate and merciful as well as being charitable to deserving causes needing his assistance. As a father, he has to be just and reasonable to the demands of his growing children;
- loyalty: As an understanding husband, he should give his undivided loyalty to his wife and stand by her, through thick and thin, under any adverse situation confronting the family.
He should be steadfast in his principles and one whom the wife could, with complete confidence, depend upon in facing any untoward eventuality;
- honesty: Being a responsible husband, he has to be upright in his character and be frank with his wife on all matters affecting themselves and their children. He should not harbor any secrets from his wife as this will ultimately erode her trust and confidence in him;
- good companionship: The husband should possess an amiable personality and be able to mix with people from all walks of life. He should be knowledgeable so as to be able to engage in intelligent conversation at all levels of society and be approachable to anyone needing his assistance. He also should possess a good sense of humour to enliven his listeners who seek his companionship; and
-moral support: As a responsible husband, he should be able to stand steadfastly by his wife's side to the very end, in the face of any untoward eventuality confronting her and lend her moral support and much - needed courage to overcome such a situation.
III- HUSBAND AND WIFE
The husband is the acknowledged head of the family, unless he is incapacitated from performing his duties as such. Both in common law and under modern legislation, the husband is legally bound to support his wife and family, notwithstanding the fact that the wife has her own property or income or is capable of earning her own support.
Even today where many wives work, the nurturing of a family should be a shared experience. Husbands have no reason to shirk household duties, to help the wife and train the children, especially when there are no servants to do such work.
Apart from these emotional and sensual aspects, the couple will have to take care of day-to-day living conditions, family budget and social obligations.
Thus, mutual consulations between the husband and wife on all family problems would help to create an atmosphere of trust and understanding in resolving whatever issues that may arise.
THE FIVE DUTIES TO BE PERFORMED BY PARENTS TOWARDS THEIR CHILDREN.
According to the Buddha there are five duties that should be performed by parents toward their children.
- The first duty is to dissuade them from evil: Home is the first school, and parents are the first teachers. Children usually take their elementary lessons on good and evil from their parents. Careless parents directly or indirectly impart an elementary knowledge of lying, cheating, dishonesty, slandering, revenge, shamelessness and fearlessness towards evil and immoral activities to their children during childhood. Remember the habit of aping. Parents should therefore show exemplary conduct and should not transmit such vices into their children's impressionable mind.
- The second duty is to persuade them to be good: Parents are the teachers at home; teachers are the parents in school. Both parents and teachers are equally responsible for the future and well-being of the children, who become what they are made into. They are, and they will be, what the adults are. They sit at the feet of the adults during their im-pressionable age.
They imbibe what is imparted. They follow in their footsteps. They are influenced in thoughts, words and deeds. As such it is the duty of the parents to create the most congenial atmosphere both at home and in the school.
Simplicity, obedience, co-operation, unity, self-sacrifice, honesty, straightforwardness, service, self-reliance, contentment, good manners, religious zeal and other kindred virtues should be inculcated in their juvenile minds by degrees. Seeds so planted will eventually grow into fruit-laden-trees.
- The third duty is to give the children a good education: A decent education is the best legacy that parents can bestow upon their children. A more valuable treasure there is not. It is the best blessing that parents could confer on their children.
Education should be imparted to them, preferably from youth, in a religious atmosphere by training them to uphold noble human disciplines and humane qualities. This has a far-reaching effect on their lives.
- The fourth duty is to see that they are married to suitable individuals: Marriage is a solemn act that pertains to one's whole lifetime; this union should be one that cannot be dissolved easily. Hence, marriage has to be viewed from every angle and in all its aspects to the satisfaction of all parties concerned before the wedding.
Parents' observations of their children's life partners is important for their future married life. While parents must accept modern practices like dating and so on, children must know clearly that parents have a right to monitor their activities, know who their friends are. But there must be also a right to privacy and self respect.
According to Buddhist culture, duty supersedes right. Let both parties be not adamant, but use their wise discretion and come to an amicable settlement.
Otherwise, there will be mutual cursing and other repercussions. More often than not the infection is transmitted to progeny as well. It is said that in most cases people who perpetrate abuse of others were themselves the victims of abuse.
- The last duty is to hand over to them, at the proper time, their inheritance: Parents not only love and tend their children as long as they are still in their custody, but also make preparations for their future comfort and happiness. They acquire treasures through personal discomfort and ungrudgingly give them as a legacy to their children.
Parents who bequeath their wealth do not want their children to squander it but to benefit from the inheritance so that it will enhance their living standard. In all of this the bottom line is mutual respect, and concern for the welfare of both parents and children.
PARENTAL RESPONSIBILITIES IN THE UPBRINGING OF THEIR CHILDREN
Parenting is not like any other 9 to 5 job. It is never ending and there is never enough time to do everything. No matter how old your baby is, newborn or toddler, it is never too late to put your baby first and enjoy being a mum or dad.
Many parents think that they alone know what is best for the children and therefore expect too much from them. They force their children into tuition classes even if they can cope with their studies. At the same time they are asked to take up ballet dancing (in the case of girls), taekwando (in the case of boys), music lessons, computer classes and so on. On top of this, they insist that their children obtain straight 'A's in their examinations and excel in everything else. In this ratrace they turn their children into display objects; possessions which they can be proud to show off to their friends and relatives and for others to talk about.
In the good old days life as a child and a teenager was never stressful because there were not too many expectations to fulfil. But children these days, especially those in urban areas, seem to have so many things to do and compete in that they are deprived of a normal childhood. Many people fail to realise that as parents, they have certain rights and also responsibilities. The child has his or her rights and responsibilities too. What we have today are people who want to be super parents, but in many cases the children do not turn out to be super. Parents should therefore be realistic and reasonable. They should not set targets which they well know their children cannot fulfil, thus avoiding unnecessary stress and disappointment to the family. Building a happy family is a continuous process.
Hence parents must not only be fully aware of their role and responsibilities, but also apply modern techniques in parenting accordingly. Remember the saying of the Taoist philosopher, Zhuang Zu: 'If you have 6 fingers do not try to make them 5, and if you have 5 fingers do not try to make them 6. Do not go against nature.'
You are responsible as a concerned parent for the well-being and up-bringing of your children. If the child grows up to be a strong, healthy and useful citizen, it is the result of your efforts. If the child grows up to be a delinquent, it is you who must bear the responsibility. Do not blame others. As parents, it is your bounden duty to guide your child on a proper path. Although there are a few incorrigible cases of juvenile delinquency, nevertheless as parents, you are morally responsible for the behaviour of your children. Parental support and control have to be adjusted as the child grows. The ultimate goal of parenting is to become a friend to your child but only according to his capacity to accept responsibility. A mistake some parents make is that they want to be a friend to their six-year old. But we need to be careful about what we mean by friend. We certainly do not mean we treat a child as if he is an equal in maturity. But there must be love, trust and respect. At that age, a child needs a parent, not a friend. While building a loving and supportive relationship with the children, it is recommended that parents help them develop spiritually.
Above all you must have time for your child. Time to answer his questions, to help him understand the wonder of life. You have to bear in mind that you are stifling the creativity in your child when you do not answer the questions that he is raising. When a child is asking questions, he is indeed seeking to communicate, so the biggest challenge confronting you is to respond readily with love, and everything you do should be congruent with the natural inquisitiveness in a child.
Being spontaneous is also important in getting children involved in things and the greatest scientists have been known to be spontaneous. If parents do not know the answers to questions they must make it a point to find it out for their children instead of brushing them off and telling them that they are too busy, or it is not important, thus shutting them up and stifling their curiosity. You will feel guilty about telling your children during their most tender and inquisitive age: 'Don't ask so many questions!.' As a caring and responsible parent you should in fact respond readily to that natural inquisitiveness in your child.
The scientific way of solving a problem is to look at the problem, find all the data available and then put together a solution in a coherent manner. Likewise, a child whose curiosity meets with a favoured response will learn to think and act scientifically as well as creatively and it will serve him well into adulthood.
For instance, when you give a toy to your child, you should give it with tender love and joy. Instead, certain parents tend to almost shout: 'Don't open it like that. Don't break the toy, it is very expensive. Do you know how lucky you are to get such a toy?' So what if he indeed breaks the toy? If you can afford to buy the toy, he will quite logically think he can afford to break it.
You could instead be part of his discovery by telling him: 'Come my dear, let's open the toy box together,' and use the fun element instead of the negative element. Give the present with joy and love. It can be done if you are not stressed and unhappy yourself. You must be happy for it is only in a state of happiness that one is comfortable and generous.
Parents sometimes are to be blamed for unwittingly inculcating negative social habits in their children. For instance, a parent who asks a child to say that he or she is not in when answering a phone call ( a seemingly innocent act ) plants the first seed of falsehood in the tender mind of the young. If allowed to flourish in an environment not conducive to promoting human values, the child may well, in the future, become a destructive element to the peace, happiness and well being of family and society, and more importantly to himself.
Many parents and elders are today responsible for planting these seeds of falsehood in many different ways. They either encourage falsehood directly, or by acting or speaking falsely, initiate and allow the vicious cycle of human value degradation to develop. The fate of our children may well depend upon the parents and elders developing a right attitude to moral upbringing truth and truthful living.
Children echo the language of their parents. To prevent the use of rude or vulgar words, responsible parents should use pleasant terms, as children generally tend to imitate their parents.
A child at its most impressionable age needs the love, care, affection and attention of the parents. Without parental love and guidance, the child will be emotionally handicapped and will find the world a bewildering place to live in. Showering parental love on the other hand does not mean pandering to all the demands of the child, reasonable or otherwise. Too much pampering would in fact spoil the child. The mother in bestowing her love and care, should also be strict and firm, but not harsh, in handling the child. Show your love with a disciplined hand - the child will understand.
Parents should spend more quality time with their children, particularly during their formative years. They should consider giving their children the gift of healthy parenting instead of showering them with material presents. This gift includes building a child's self-esteem, striving for positive communication, granting unconditional love and eliminating aspects that hinder the child's psychological development. These are gifts with true, deeper meaning. Healthy parenting is the greatest gift a child can receive and a parent can give.
Unfortunately, amongst present-day parents, parental love is sadly lacking. The mad rush for material advancement, the liberation movements and the aspiration for equality among the sexes have all resulted in many mothers joining their husbands, spending their working hours in offices and shops, rather than remaining at home and tending to their off-spring. The children, left to the care of relations, day-care centres or paid servants, are bewildered on being denied tender motherly love and care.
Providing the child with all sorts of sophisticated modern toys (as a form of appeasement) such as tanks, machine guns, pistols, or swords that are detrimental to character formation is not psychologically advisable. Loading a child with such toys is no substitute for a mother's tender love and affection. The child as a result is unwittingly taught to condone aggression and destruction instead of being taught to be kind, compassionate and helpful. Such a child will develop brutal tendencies as it grows up. Devoid of parental affection and guidance, it will not be surprising if the child subsequently grows up to be a delinquent. Then, who is to be blamed for bringing up such a wayward child? The parents of course!
The working mother, especially after a hard day's work in an office, followed by household chores, can hardly find time for the child that is yearning for her care and attention. Parents who have no time for their children now should not complain later in life when these same children have no time for them. Parents who claim that they spend a lot of money on their children but are too busy should not complain when in later life their 'busy' children in turn decide to leave them in Homes for the Aged!
Most women work today so that the family can enjoy more material benefits. They should seriously consider Gandhi's advice for men to seek freedom from greed rather than freedom from need. Of course, given today's economic set-up we cannot deny that some mothers are forced to work. In such a case, the father and mother must make extra sacrifices of their time to compensate for what their children miss when they are away. If both parents spend their non-working hours at home with their children, there will be greater harmony and understanding between parents and children. We call this quality time'. with the family.
Children who are left in the care of relatives, day care centres or paid servants, as well as latch key children who are left to their own devices at home, are often deprived of motherly love and care. The mother, feeling guilty about this lack of attention, will try to placate the child by giving in to all sorts of demands. Such action only spoils the child.
Most men devote their energies and creativity to their work and thus what energy they have reserved for the family are merely the 'left overs'. Here is where the argument for quality time comes in, usually from guilty parents who want to justify whatever time they have left for their children. One of the flaws of the quality time concept lies in the fact that the needs of the children and the availability of the parents do not always converge. When the children need them, they are not around.
Parents are often placed in a dilemma. Rushing home from a hard day's work, weary parents have their own family chores waiting for them. When the day's work is done, it would be time for dinner followed by watching T.V., and whatever time there is left is hardly enough to attend to a child's rightful dues of parental love and affection. More importantly, parents are not around to transmit cultural, social and religious values to their children at times when children are best attuned to receive them. This cannot be done during 'quality time'.
Some working parents may even take their work home or even bring back the stress and tension they gathered from their work place. As a result, they may lose their tempers at the children.
As husband and wife they may not have enough time together and this may even lead to broken marriages. There should be increased awareness that strong family ties can contribute to the healthy growth of a child.
It can be said that gender differences do operate in parent/child relationships. It is said that mothers and their grown-up daughters communicate more often, even after the daughters are married and have left home.
On the other hand, it is different for fathers and grown-up sons. They are said to only speak when absolutely necessary and often about nothing serious. The conversation can be like a question and answer session.
The father perhaps thinks the son is a big boy and that he should know his role and duties at home, towards his parents and outside. But with mothers, it is different -- the daughter is forever 'my little girl'.
Whatever it is, parents have an important role to play in bringing up their children and doing it well if they want to help ease the many ills plaguing our society today. Good values cannot be taught through words, but through deeds.
Parents must be good models themselves. The old parental attitude that 'you do whatever father tells you to do and not what he does,' does not hold water any more. Parents must be of the right character themselves. If we want our children to begin life well, with the proper values, we have to start at home.
If things aren't good between the boys and their fathers, the latter must begin to look for answers within themselves.
Sacrifices by both parents are needed. They should make time and try as far as possible to get the family members involved in all activities pursued, by creating family oriented activities.
The essence is on setting their priorities right e.g. a priority oriented towards the family and marriage, thus creating a closeknit family relationship for a harmonious environment.
A HAPPY FAMILY
It is true in every society that a family is the smallest social unit. If every family in a country is happy, the whole nation will be happy. What constitutes a happy family? A happy family is defined as one that is stable in terms of social, economic, psychological and physical aspects of life; and where there is warm affection and harmony among family members. A family which can strike a balance between these factors is indeed a happy family.
But when we look around us at the situation in most parts of the world, what do we see? Children loitering in the streets and video arcades. They play truant. Children are abused, wives are beaten and ageing parents are packed off to old folks homes regardless of their feelings. All these are tell-tale signs that all is not well at the most basic level of society: these are signs of social decadence.
It is a sad situation when good values and traditions are no longer practised. There is little interaction among members of the family and friends and the sense of responsibility towards other members of the family is weakening. Unhappiness in a family may be attributed to poverty, but having material wealth is no guarantee of happiness either, if it simply breeds selfishness, cruelty and greed.
A child learns affection and love from his parents and, together, they make a happy family unit. Through this microcosm of society, it learns about caring, sharing, compassion and concern for others. Throughout the ages religion has been an important force to organize these values into a system that is easily recognized and taught. Thus family and religion are vital components in impartirng and nurturing these values.
The family plays an important role in the development of its members. The best of Asian and Western cultures teach and practise respect for elders, compassion for the sick and needy, care for elderly parents and consideration for the young.
Children growing up in families practising these values will emulate them and act accordingly towards others. But given the vast technological advances in modern civilization we are fast losing these values. Something must be done to bring the family back together and save society.
We must protect and support family development as an institution in the light of the rapid demographic and socio-economic changes world-wide. Extended families are giving way to nuclear families. We can do little to stop this trend but the values of respect, concern and compassion must be preserved. Good values, both Eastern and Western, must be maintained despite changes in lifestyle brought on by modernisation, industrialisation and urbanisation.
The mother is an important figure in family development. As care, love, tenderness and compassion are her innate qualities, she imparts these sterling values to her children in their upbringing. The mother, because of her love, concern, compassion, patience and tolerance thus holds the family together. Her espousal of these values may be passed on to her children who are great imitators and who learn by examples. We must as a group reinstate the traditional function of the mother, although of course to suit modern needs and pressures.
Religion too, promotes good human values. Strong resilient families and the practice of religion are therefore necessary in the promotion of family development.
It could be said that a happy family is a group of people living amicably and peacefully together with emphasis on religion, discipline and parenthood to create a happy family atmosphere. Values like these should be upheld and religiously protected so that a family is not influenced by anti-social values and unacceptable norms.
Realistic and reasonable parents make for a happy family. And the only way parents can build a happy family is through the institution of marriage. It worked very well in the past. It can do so now, provided we make it relevant to the needs of today's living.
MARRITAL PROBLEMS.
Almost every day, we hear of people complaining about their marriages. Young people reading romantic novels and seeing romantic films often conclude that marriage is a bed of roses. Unfortunately, marriage is not as sweet as one thinks. Marriage and marital problems are inter-related and people must remember that when they get married, they will have to face certain problems and responsibilities that they never expected or experienced before.
After the euphoria of the wedding, the realities of living together will set in for the couple, and for some, the prospects are daunting. Lack of communication or interaction with members of a family are some of the factors which can be attributed to an unhappy morriage. A stage will be reached when husband and wife do not even communicate with each other.
Common examples of non-communication between husband and wife are: (a) even at the breakfast table he is deeply engrossed in the newspaper; (b) when he returns from work he will be engrossed with his hobbies or watches television, and during weekends goes for golf or indulges in other postimes; (c) he does not express any feelings or concern for the wife, let alone observing important anniversaries or birthdays.
The wife on her part, after getting married, is no longer interested in her figure and general appearance. She dresses shabbily. As she no longer reads or maintains a stimulating circle of friends, the husband finds that he can no longer engage in a stimulating conversation with her. Life then becomes boring and this leads the husband to resort to drink and seek solace outside the matrimonial home.
When does discontent first creep into a marriage? For most couples, the first year is usually a good year. For some couples, the adjustments of living together as husband and wife may turn out to be a stressful experience. The arrival of the first child could also give rise to problems as both man and wife grapple with the realities of being first-time parents.
Some people say that the first year after their marriage the husband would listen to his wife. From the second year the wife would listen to her husband. From the third year onwards neighbours would listen to both of them when they shout at each other.
Usually, discontent will be greater if there is no adequate preparation for marriage. For instance, pre-marital counselling will help couples prepare for the many surprises, pleasant or otherwise, that they may discover in the course of their marriage.
The dissatifaction that is supposed to hit most men after being married for so many years arises from a misconception that 'the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.' This tendency to be attracted to members of the opposite sex has no age limits. Such restlessness can occur anytime during the marriage, even for women.
Boredom is the usual cause, whereas disappointment with the partner is also a common complaint. When expectations are not fulfilled, pockets of grouses will start to develop. In any case, when there is no firm commitment to the marriage and no religious foundation, anything can happen at anytime to jeopardise it.
What are the roots of discontent? Many wives say that they wish their husbands would listen to them more, be more attentive to their needs or express their feelings better. It all boils down to a case of communication which is very much lacking in most modern marriages. In the past because of their upbringing women were content to remain in the background and accept any kind of treatment at the hands of their husbands. But times have changed. Women are much better educated, hold responsible jobs and knowledgeable of their rights. Men must accept these realities and treat their wives as equal partners in a marriage. They can no longer be taken for granted.
For most men, marriage is a goal which they set for themselves to achieve. Having done so, they will pour their energies and time into the other most important aspect of their lives, that is, their career or business.
The expectations of the woman, on the other hand are totally different. After being married, she expects more love and intimacy and therefore seeks to spend more time with her husband.
Bringing one's outside problems to the home and taking it out on the spouse and children is damaging to the family's stability and creates a stress spiral.
In Asian societies, the problem of in-law interference is a common one. This is particularly so if the in-laws are able to influence the decisions of their child. A common complaint put forward by wives is that the husbands listen to their parents instead of to them. The interference of the inlaws in the upbringing of the children is also a common problem. While the grand-parents tend to be relaxed with the children and sometimes spoil them, the conflict of values between generations is often glaring in such cases.
Some young couples are not happy to allow their children to have close association with their grand parents thinking they will learn the old fashioned way of life of their grand parents.
In India and Sri Lanka and to a lesser extent even in Malaysia, the dowry system is one of the main obstacles to a happy union. The dowry could include huge amounts of money, a bungalow, a luxury car, all of these or even more, depending on how afluent the parents are. And because parents want desperately to marry their daughters off, they make promises which they cannot keep and the marriage starts to crumble.
The dowry system has been abused. In the old days, a dowry was given to the daughter for safekeeping in case of an emergency. Then, unlike today, women were totally dependent on their husbands and the dowry was a kind of insurance in case the husband became unable to support her.
Later, the dowry was to be handed over to the in-laws for safekeeping and now it has become compulsory for the daughter-in-law's parents to present her future in-laws with the dowry.
People often think that it is a duty to get married and that marriage is a very impoftant part of their lives. However, in order to ensure a successful marriage, a couple has .to harmonise their lives by minimising whatever differences they may have between them. A couple must also learn to accept each other's shortcomings and personal weaknesses. Even happy, well-matched couples can experience conflict, hurt, disappointment and anger. They may recognise shortcomings in such areas as showing appreciation of each other, willingness to converse and expressing emotions clearly. Do not shy away from conflict. Disagreements can lead to marital growth, not distance. Quarrels are essential for survival in a healthy marriage. But a quarrel can only be successfully terminated if both parties can forgive and forget.
Be willing to work at your marriage. Do not assume that since the first 10 or 20 years were good, the next 10 or 20 will also be good. Love needs to be fed -- with shared experiences, joys and sorrows. This requires time, attention, courage and understanding.
One of the major causes of marital problems is suspicion and mistrust. Both husband and wife should show implicit trust for one another and try not to have secrets between them. Secrets create suspicion, suspicion leads to jealousy, jealousy generates anger, anger causes enmity and enmity may result in separation or divorce, suicide or even murder.
If a couple can share pain and pleasure in their day-to-day life, they can console each other and minimise their grievances. Thus, the wife or husband should not expect to experience only pleasure in their wedded lives. There will be a lot of painful, miserable episodes, burdens and misunderstandings. Discussing mutual problems with one another will give them confidence to resolve any obstacle that they will have to face. They must have the strong will-power to reduce tension and develop the confidence to live together with better understanding and tolerance.
Men and women need the comfort of each other when facing problems and difficulties. The feeling of insecurity and unrest will disappear and life will be more meaningful, happy and interesting if there is someone who is willing to share the other's burden.
Marital problems prompted a cynic to say that there can only be a peaceful married life if the marriage is between a blind wife and deaf husband, for the blind wife cannot see the faults of the husband and a deaf husband cannot hear the nagging of his wife.
LIVING TOGETHER OUTSIDE MARRIAGE
Living together before getting married, or cohabiting as it is more commonly known, is a cosy option among young people in the West, and is progressively catching on in .many Asian countries. It is said that about half of the couples in the United States and Britain would have lived together before marriage. One can learn about it in the movies and in the papers. In the conservative East, on the other hand, living together before marriage is still very much a taboo. The mere mention of the subject is enough to be frowned upon particularly by the elders. We must add however that as the world is shrinking so fast many of these values are being adopted in the East as well, especially in urban areas.
In the United States, where living together out of wedlock is becoming increasingly acceptable, one out of three marriages results in divorce.
Tragic cases do occur in situations where couples live together out of wedlock, for example when the female partner gets pregnant and the male partner later disclaims responsibility. This often leads to the problem of unwed mothers.
PROBLEMS OF UNWED MOTHERS
Media reports of unwed mothers abandoning or discarding their babies at rubbish dumps, bushes or into toilets, drains and streams are just too dreadful for any caring, right-thinking member of society to condone. With such reports appearing almost every other day, the public is alarmed, saddened and have called for remedial measures to check the growing problem which has reached alarming proportions.
Some abandoned babies survive only because they are found in time by garbage collectors, residents or passers-by, although they had been exposed to such dangers as stray dogs, rats, ants and the elements of cold/heat. One wonders how these mothers can abandon their babies, as even animals are known to be fiercely protective of their offspring. It has to be remembered that not all babies born out of wedlock are from young girls. Adult women too are guilty of this terrible practice.
Parents should try to understand their children. They should ensure that their children will turn to them whenever they have a problem.
People who abandon their babies need help. They need counselling. We should not simply blame the West every time some problems crop up here. No doubt our youngsters are getting more and more westernised in their thinking, outlook, lifestyle and actions. Here is where the role of parents comes in.
Some parents are too busy working that they unintentionally neglect their children. Hence, parents should spend more time to instil discipline and educate their children on what is wrong and right.
We need a humane approach in dealing with the problem of unwed mothers which could start with the family where parents and children do not communicate well. When it happens to a daughter, she is afraid of being penalised, of not being accepted by the family and society as well as the social stigma attached to her; and she has nobody to turn to for advice or help. She is already paying for her mistake by shouldering the burden alone. Her parents also do not accept her and society condemns her and as a result she becomes desperate.
To overcome this problem, family development efforts must be stepped up where couples will be trained to be better parents, and young people will be responsible for themselves through programmes on sex education. Religious bodies and religious counsellors can greatly assist the government to fight this terrible social desease.
SEXUAL EXPLOITATION OF CHILDREN AND CHILD LABOR
Child prostitution is one of the fastest growing businesses in many countries. Tour agencies and affluent travellers have brought about this state of affairs to a large extent.
Sex has become a multi-billion-dollar industry and today children are being bought, sold and traded like any other mass product,' deplores Aaron Sachs, a staff researcher at the Washington - based World Institute.
'At 10, you are a woman. At 20, you are an old woman. And at 30, you are dead.' Thus goes a popular saying in certain countries.
In the ever expanding sex market, child prostitutes are among the hottest commodities. This is particularly true in Asia, the centre of the child sex industry. The Progress of Nations 1995 report of the United Nations Children's Fund (UNICEF) lists Thailand as the third country with the most number of child prostitutes. About 100,000 children are selling sex in this country. The record holder is India with 400,000 to 500,000 children. The United States is second with 300,000. The Philippines is fourth with 60,000.
The number of under 18s involved in prostitution probably exceeds two million,' the report says. 'Best estimates suggest a figure of one million for Asia alone, and 300,000 for the United States.'
Although most of the child prostitutes are girls, in many parts of the world even boys are used for sex.
Rich tourists, according to an official of the non-government watch group ECPAT (End Child Prostitution in Asian Tourism), 'have realised that human life is cheaper in the Third World.'
Why has child prostitution become popular in recent years? One possible reason is the fear of being infected by HIV, the virus that causes the dreaded Acquired Immuno-deficiency Syndrome (AIDS).
Sex tourists think children are AIDS-free. 'With the growing fear of HIV infection, many people are always on the search for younger and younger victims, and the demand unfortunately has been met by the 'ever-eager middleman,' observes Ramesh Shrestha, a UNICEF official based in Hanoi, Vietnam.
Experts cite poverty as the reason children are forced into the sex trade. 'Children are attracted to prostitution because it pays better than odd jobs,' Philippine Senator Ernesto F. Herrera said in his recent privilege speech. Children of the streets of Rio, Nairobi, Manila and Bombay often get involved in prostitution in order to survive and not by choice, a world congress against sexual exploitation of children observed. The congress has cast a harsh light on the conditions of poor children around the world, being forced out in life to find work without any schooling.
In some other countries, street children are among the first to be recruited into prostitution and often kept in brothels. Others drift into prostitution on a more casual basis and not as part of any network. With no family they simply have to find a way to survive. Social dislocation push these children into a means of earning a living, which they know is dishonourable but provides a more comfortable compensation.
In Latin America, street children come from among the poorest families, often from violent areas, frequently thrown out by the family, according to Per-Erik Astrom of the Swedish branch of the 'Save the Children Fund'. He said: 'A child of 15 in Rio, if he has lived that long, knows everything about survival, owns two younger sisters and has become a pimp himself!'
A Chilean organisation, CERSO report: 'Mothers send their children on to the streets to beg although they know the dangers that the girls may end up as drug addicts and prostitutes.' For more than 10 years now, Ladawan Wongsriwong, a two-time Member of Parliament from the northern Thailand province of Payco, has been fighting against child prostitution, an industry estimated to be worth US$1.5 billion (RM3.6 billion) annually.
Her crusade against this social ill involves a four-pronged strategy that includes a campaign to make people understand the causes, effects and ways to check the problem.
Although people generally have more understanding of the problem, there are parents who still hang on to the old idea that prostitution is indeed a good career fetching a high income for their daughters. We are trying to change all that by also having training workshops, meetings and seminars with parents as well as dissemination of information through the mass media', says Ladawan, 40, who is from Thailand's opposition Democrat Party and President of the Young Northern Women's Development Foundation.
Ladawan says for the legislation to work effectively, it is imperative that all countries come to an agreement and co-operate to consider women and child abuse as a criminal offence because the child prostitution problem is not only the making of Thai people alone, as foreigners have a part in it too.
The demand from European tourists and those from other developed countries for young girls seems limitless. According to the international children's advocacy group, Terre Des Hommes, each year tens of thousands of sex tourists from Germany alone visit Thailand, with about 10% of them engaging in sex with minors. It is a fact that young girls from poor families, who are deprived of continuing their education at secondary level, are being lured into prostitution.
It has been reported that a Swiss business man sexually abused 1500 children in Sri Lanka within a period of eight years!
There is a growing industry of commercial sexual exploitation of children for pornographic purposes. Thailand has the highest record of child trafficking and juvenile pornography. This accounts for the most profane type of paedophile material available in illicit video collections containing scenes of homosexual paedophilic depravity.
The recent discovery of a gruesome kidnapping and paedophilic ring in Belgium has awakened public opinion and dramatically illustrated the fact that sexual exploitation of children is not a problem only in Thailand, Brazil, Bangladesh, India and Sri Lanka; it exists practically in every country including Europe. The World Congress against commercial sexual exploitation of children has initiated co-operation at local, national and international levels to combat the child sex problem. Considering the level of international commitments, the World Congress has outlined priorities for the prevention, protection, rehabilitation and reintegration of child victims of sexual exploitation.
The term 'child labour' is defined as the employment of boys and girls when they are too young to work for hire, or when they are employed at jobs unsuitable or unsafe for children of their ages or under conditions injurious to their welfare. The term has had different meanings at various times and in -various communities, depending on society's concept of its responsibility for its youth.
In Malaysia, the employment of children is governed by the provisions of the Children and Young Persons (Employment) Act 1966, which state that a child, or any person below 14 years of age, may not be employed except under certain strict conditions, such as light work suitable for his or her capacity in any undertaking carried out by the family. Under separate conditions, such as employment in shops the child must not be less than 16 years old.
The Malaysian Labour Department has intensified its enforcement activities in the light of increasing complaints involving illegal child labour, especially during the school holidays. The illegal employment of children stems primarily from the acute shortage of labour in the country. The enforcement activities of the department have been intensified nation-wide through scheduled inspections as well as surprise raids both during the day and night.
Child experts at a regional meeting in Manila said they needed not just more resources for children's welfare, but also greater involvement of the media in conveying the plight of Asia's vulnerable children to policymakers.
'Children who are poor, exploited or forced to work, remind the world that economic growth has not given them the benefits of prosperity,' said Pratima Kale, Regional Director of the United Nations Children's Fund (UNICEF) for East Asia and the Pacific. 'The situations of inequity can and often do lead to anger, frustration and violence if their basic needs are not met; if their basic rights are not fulfilled; and if they do not see any hope for the future,' she said at the start of the Asian Summit on Child Rights and Media.
SEX DEVIATIONS
Sex deviations, sometimes called sexual aberrations, have concerned mankind almost from earliest recorded history. It is customary to refer to persons exhibiting what we could call sexual deviations, or departures from what modern society agrees to be normal, as sex perverts. Thus many persons, otherwise well informed in their own minds, have categorised and speak of them casually as perverts, sexual psychopaths, sex neurotics and so on, often without understanding very clearly the condition to which they refer. Our social customs seem to compel society to look upon a sex deviant as one bringing disgrace to his family.
Sex deviations such as homosexuality, bisexuality, transvestism have long been taboo subjects rarely brought up in polite conversation by respectable society. Strange as it may seem, teenagers today however are far more well-informed and open minded in their views on this subject.
More often than not, one associates the word 'homosexual' with effeminate men or men in drag. This is the stereotypical image of homosexuality that, like most stereotypes, conveniently obscures its complexity.
The word 'homosexuality' applies to people who are sexually and emotionally attracted to others of the same sex. Both men and women can be called 'homosexual' or 'gay', but these are only umbrella terms under which lie many shades of distinctions.
Broadly speaking, homosexuals comprise gay men, transvestites (both male and female), trans-sexuals (female and male) and lesbians.
And to complicate things further, there is a very fine distinction between the interchangable terms, 'transvestite' and 'trans-sexual'. As most dictionaries explain it, a transvestite is a person who dresses in the clothes of the opposite sex, often deriving gratification from this practice.
On the other hand, a trans-sexual is (as commonly understood) someone who has decided to live as a person of the opposite sex. Sometimes, a trans-sexual's identification with the opposite sex is so strong that he or she goes for a sex-change operation.
Some people who practise transvestism may not be gay; they may just enjoy wearing the clothes of the opposite sex without being sexually attracted to members of the same sex.
A gay is attracted to men of his own kind- gays, and not 'straight' men. When asked why a normal looking man would fall in love with another, he would say that there is nothing abnormal about him. Most people however find it difficult to accept gays as normal people.
Transvestites and trans-sexuals, on the other hand, consider themselves, and are considered by the gay community, as women. They generally feel that they are women trapped in male bodies. And as women, they are attracted to straight men, and not to gay man.
The world is indeed very much a lonely and hostile place for transvestites and trans-sexuals. It is difficult for them to have meaningful relationships as very few straight men are willing to face the social stigma and emotional hassles that come with having a transvertite partner.
What causes a person to be gay? According to some researchers, sexual and emotional attraction for a partner of the same sex may be a genetic trait, although social factors and upbringing are also thought to play a role. Homosexuality is not a medical or psychiatric disorder, although regarded as abnormal by many. Homosexuality was removed from the list of mental disorders in the early 1970s when it was obvious that homosexuals are as psychologically welladjusted as heterosexuals are. They have the same capacity to function in society, to achieve goals, to have their needs met, and to develop a sense of identity.
However, transvestism is considered a mental disorder, as transvestites have the feeling of being trapped in a man's body, causing a lot of inner turmoil, whereas gay men are totally comfortable with their maleness.
Although homosexuals may have accepted their sexual orientation, society may not be ready to accept them. They may be prepared to share their thoughts and feelings with family members and close friends, but not so in public. A homosexual person may go through several stages before coming to terms with himself or herself. They probably can't do anything about their 'condition', and we should not contribute to the prevailing social pressure that forces many of them to hide their true selves in the closet. From the Buddhist point of view this kind of sexual act can be regarded as sexual misconduct to those who try to renounce sensual pleasure in order to lead a holy life. For others this can be regarded as sex abuse.

Human Life and Problems
Venerable K. Sri Dhammananda
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BREAST FEEDING OF THE CHILD AND ITS ADVANTAGES
The modern attitude of working mothers towards their children tend to erode the time honoured filial piety which children are expected to maintain. The replacement of breast feeding by bottle feeding is yet another cause. When mothers breast feed and cuddle babies in their arms, the tender affection between mother and child becomes much greater. A breast feeding mother, through her maternal instinct, often experiences a tremendous satisfaction from knowing she is providing her baby, as nature had intended, with something of her very own which no one else can give. The influence a mother has on the child thus grows and becomes much more pronounced. Under such circumstances, filial piety, family cohesion and obedience are invariably enhanced.
A variety of arguments have been advanced to convince mothers that 'breast is best'. The reasons include both physiological and psychological advantages for the infant and the mother as well. The protein and other ingredients in human milk differ qualitatively from the protein in cow's milk. Breast milk is sterile and is not subject to contamination. Breast fed infants are more resistant to infections and communicable diseases. They are also less susceptible to allergic reactions. It is also cheaper to breast feed an infant than to purchase formula milk for bottle feeding. Breast feeding offers a superior psychological intimacy that results in emotional and cognitive advantages over other feeding methods. Breast-feeding also facilitates the development of mother-infant relationships and bonding.
Breast feeding the new born is more practical and less time-consuming than bottle feeding. There is no need for bottle sterilisers and washing. The milk supply is ready whenever the baby needs it. Babies who are breastfed have been found to cry less in the later months of the first year compared with those who are bottle-fed. Remember, nothing is more rewarding than the love between parent and child. Making time for your baby is definitely worth it.
During the early days following birth, breastfeeding provides the baby with the benefits of colostrum. Colostrum is the Pre-milk substance secreted by the breasts until milk is produced, usually about the second or third postpartum day. Colostrum is rich in all of the baby's essential needs.
Breast milk provides all the nutrition and vitamins the baby needs for at least the first six months after birth. Breast milk contains immunology factors that help prevent a host of diseases and allergies. Except in extreme circumstances, as in the case of mothers who suffer from AIDS and who can transmit the sickness to their babies, there is no real substitute for mothers' milk.
Also, physical contact with the mother evidently adds to the satisfaction of feeding. Authorities in various fields of child development have insisted that the breast is the only satisfactory way of feeding an infant. Breast feeding is recommended as many physicians believe it offers an advantage to the baby, physiologically as well as emotionally, because of the definite advantages that result from the mother's own satisfaction in nursing her baby. The baby needs affectionate handling, plenty of time and a relaxed atmosphere, just as much as the milk itself.
These traditional traits are for the good and well-being of children. It is up to the parents, especially the mother to provide them with love, care and affection as their rightful dues. The mother is responsible for the child being good or wayward. The mother can thus reduce juvenile delinquency!'
Those who lead their lives by going against nature, must face the consequences either physically or mentally'.
BIRTH CONTROL
Planned parenthood or voluntary parenthood under the Family Planning Programme refers to the regulation of conception within the family and is often referred to as birth control. Planned parenthood refers to the regulation and spacing of offspring by legal and ethical means, depending on the health, economic condition and circumstances of husband and wife.
One must take into consideration the fact that a controlled birth rate is conducive to sane living. Rapidly increasing population is a dangerous trend that creates problems in the wake of people marching towards sufficiency and secure living.
In Asia, where generations of people continue to live in sub-human conditions, it is appropriate to take advantages of Family Planning, in so far as it does not come into conflict with communal problems. A country that is able to support itself enjoys the greatest freedom.
There is no reason for Buddhists to oppose birth control. They are at liberty to use any of the old or modern methods to prevent conception. Those who object to birth control by saying that it is against God's law to practise it, must realise that their concept regarding this issue is not very reasonable. In birth control what is done is to prevent the coming into being of an existence, and hence there is no killing involved.
ABORTION
Although a person has the freedom to plan a family according to his own conviction, abortion is however not justifiable. This action is wrong because it involves the taking away or destroying of a visible or invisible life.
The word abortion evokes images of desperate young women and back-street abortionists. To many, the word also carries an illegal and criminal connotation. In the developed West the issue has been politicised as well.
Abortion is defined as the expulsion of a foetus from the uterus, brought about by accidental means or induction, before it is capable of carrying on its own life. In medical terms, abortion is the termination of pregnancy up to the 28th week of gestation. After this period, the foetus is regarded medically as viable, and any subsequent expulsion of the unborn human being may either be a live birth or a still birth.
In law, when abortion is committed with malicious intent, it becomes a criminal offence and the party causing it may be charged and punished. When an abortion results in the death of the woman, the crime is designated as murder.
The abortion issue has always remained contentious, but for women faced with an unwanted pregnancy, the matter is neither illegal nor political. It is personal and one which has to be dealt with quickly, at whatever cost. Under certain circumstances, such women in desperate situations may feel compelled to resort to abortion. But they should not justify this act of abortion, for somehow or other they will have to face the adverse consequences of committing such a cruel act.
In this country, ending a pregnancy is permitted only when it has been ascertained that the mother's physical or mental health is in danger. The procedure is referred to as therapeutic abortion and it requires the certification of two medical practitioners. Any other request for induced abortions would contravene the law.
Religious principles should never be surrendered for the satisfaction of humankind. Rather they should stand for the welfare of mankind as a whole.
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
The problem of domestic violence affecting families, particularly in the lower income group, and in certain, cases even in affluent societies, has reached alarming proportions. It has become necessary for the Government to legislate action, resulting in the recent passing of the Domestic Violence Act by Parliament in June 1996.
Evidence shows that a battered wife in many cases still loves her husband despite all the abuses, which she puts down to his alcoholism, gambling, womanising and constant financial problems. This is the reality of the problem of domestic violence faced by a large number of women today. Many a battered wife just endures it because she firmly believes that any retaliation on her part might end in her losing custody of her children, and her right to inherit the matrimonial home and to enjoy any form of financial security.
The public generally holds the view that domestic violence is a matter that does not warrant any outside intervention. For instance, neighbours will quickly come to a woman's aid if they hear her scream that she is being burgled, but when she screams from her husband's constant battery, others are reluctant to intervene as they consider it a personal family matter. Until very recently this view was also held by the police. Under the Domestic Violence Act however, police duties now include escorting the abused spouse home to collect her belongings, if necessary. What abused wives ask for is protection under the law, and not so much that their husbands be punished.
The Act gives protection to the abused spouse without breaking up the family. Under the Act one would be able to get a court order barring the abusive spouse from the matrimonial home, providing maintenance to the abused spouse and children as well as giving her custody of the children. The Act makes domestic violence a punishable offence.
DIVORCE - ONLY AS A LAST RESORT
Divorce is a controversial issue among the followers of different religions. Some people believe that marriage is recorded in heaven and therefore human beings have no right to allow divorce. But, if a husband and wife really cannot live together, instead of leading a miserable life and generating more conflict, anger and hatred, they should have the liberty to separate and live apart peacefully.
Separation or divorce is not prohibited in Buddhism though the necessity would scarcely arise if the Buddha's injunctions were strictly followed. Men and women must have the liberty to separate if they really cannot agree with each other. Separation is preferred to suffering a miserable family life for a long period of time.
Some may prefer legal separation which is a kind of divorce except that the marriage exists in name for various reasons.
Factors contributing to divorce vary. When the flame of love suddenly dies or when the vow to 'love, honour and cherish each other for life' seems no longer possible to maintain, divorce appears to be the best solution. Of course, there are other factors too, ranging from extra-marital affairs, in-law problems as well as family differences faced by working mothers related to the pursuit of a career. In this connection, we are reminded of the Buddha's advice that old men should not marry young wives as it can create incompatibility, jealousy and suspicion (Parabhava Sutta).
Under the Law Reform (Marriage and Divorce) Act 1976, and with effect from 1 March 1982, Marriage Tribunals have also been set up throughout Malaysia with functions to resolve and to reconcile couples, other than those of the Muslim faith, who have marital difficulties. (Couples of the Muslim faith are separately governed by Syariah Law and come under the jurisdiction of the Syariah Court).
Marriage Tribunals have been set up in every State, including the Federal Territory of Kuala Lumpur. The Act makes it mandatory to refer a matrimonial difficulty to the Marriage Tribunal set up under the Act before a divorce petition can be filed.
The Act provides a time frame of six months to see if the couple can reach a settlement. Every Tribunal has to meet the statutory requirement of three or four hearings per case within the six-monthly period. If there are no signs of reconciliation, the Tribunal will issue a certificate to that effect to the petitioner. It is only after the certificate is issued that a petitioner can file a divorce petition in the High Court through a lawyer.
Unfortunately, when parents get divorced, their children become the innocent victims who suffer the worst consequences of that failed marriage. Divorce is a social phenomenon and is something which affects the children psychologically and could make them feel insecure. They have to cope with innumerable problems of acceptance, adjustment and insecurity. Such young children will need constant counselling and constant moral support and comfort to ride out this very traumatic phase in their lives.
Divorced parents are often portrayed as selfish hedonists interested only in their own happiness, and not their children's.
Some may have to live with a stepparent when their parents remarry and will have to make new living arrangements. Divorce is almost like denying child the right to have a fulfilled life with both biological parents under one roof. Because of their disturbed minds, these children could lose concentration and as a result their performance in school could be affected. This will runaway children and juvenile crime.
Very often when the divorce had been unpleasant and having suffered physically at the hands of their angry parents, children grow up being afraid of entering into marriage themselves in later life because they view it as threatening their safety and holding little hope for happiness. They have lost trust in their parents for breaking up the marriage and they also lack trust in the opposite sex.
For some children, the emotional scars may heal with time. But for others, they may remain. Divorce therefore affects not just two people but many other innocent parties as well. There must be powerful reasons before anyone seeks to resort to divorce.
Most children of divorced parents would occasionally cherish and harbour the secret wish that they would get reconciled and family life becomes normal again.
Utmost care must be taken to ensure that separation is done in an atmosphere of goodwill and understanding by adopting reasonable solutions and not by creating more hatred. In fact they should make every effort to part amicably as friends. If a couple has children, they should try to make the divorce less traumatic for them and help them to adjust to the new situation. It is most important to ensure that their future and welfare will be well taken care of. It is inhuman if the couple desert their children and allow them to fend for themselves and lead a miserable life.
When a man for whatever reason institutes divorce proceedings it is the woman who more often than not will be the most hurt in the process. Her cherished dream of a happy married life would be shattered, particularly so if the husband, involved in an extra-marital affair, is seeking release from the marriage vows to be with the 'other woman.' A woman facing impending divorce would often express her frustrated feelings which is typical in such tragic cases: 'I was devastated. For me the world had come to an end and I thought about dying to make him regret for not wanting me.
The dilemma faced by many divorced women in Malaysia is the sad fact that she has only the right to care for her child but has no authority as legal guardian. In connection with this predicament, mothers who have custody of their children are forced to appeal to their ex-husbands to exercise what should be their (the mothers') right in the first place. What if the father does not co-operate by giving his consent or if he cannot be traced? The unfortunate child, who may need a passport to study abroad for example will be left in a quandary.
The only way a mother will ever get to be the legal guardian of her child is when the father dies, is declared insane or has a criminal record. Under the circumstances, lawyers generally advise women to start applying for custody and guardianship as soon as they are separated from their husbands, and not wait until divorce proceedings start, but this is never an easy process.
DISCRIMINATION AGAINST WOMEN
The Buddha says that if we are to understand anything, we must learn to 'see things as they are'. It is after such analysis of women in relation to men, that He came to the conclusion that there is no impediment in women to enable them to practise religion as men do and attain the highest state in life, which is Arahanthood or Sainthood, the highest level of mental purity. The Buddha had to face strong opposition in giving full freedom to women to practise religion.
At the time of the Buddha, before He emancipated women, the customs and traditions were such that the women were considered as chattel, to be used by men at their pleasure. Manu, the ancient lawgiver of India, had decreed that women were inferior to men. Women's position in society was therefore very low, and it was restricted to the kitchen. They were not even allowed to enter temples and to participate in religious activities in any manner whatsoever.
As we have previously noted under the heading 'Birth Control', discrimination against females begins even before the child is born into this world! The widespread practice of female foeticide prevalent in many parts of the world today testifies to this horrifying fact. Further on, under the heading 'Women's Liberation Movement and its Effect on Family Life', the discrimination against women in affluent societies, particularly those aspiring for top managerial positions in the corporate sector, will be dealt with in detail
In developing and underdeveloped countries however, the situation can only be described as being far worse and more deplorable as the following accounts will reveal.
In India's ritualistic, male dominated society, widowhood is a terrible fate for a woman. There are numerous cases of widows (some still in their 20s) who were cast away from their families and shunned by society after their husband died.
Among superstitious families, a widow often is blamed by her in-laws for her husband's death and is even ostracised. There are few options left for widows. Hindus frown on remarriage for women, although there are no such barriers for men. Until modern times, widows were expected to jump on to the funeral pyre of their husbands according to a tradition known as sati. Although the practice was outlawed by the British several decades ago, the last known case occurred as recently as 1996. Most women in India have little to look forward to when they become widows.
One typical tragic example could be cited of a widow who underwent child marriage which is another custom prevalent in rural India. She laments: 'I was married off when I was only five years old. My husband, whom I never saw, was 13 and he died one month after the wedding. I am now a widow.'
According to the World Bank, 65% of Indian women older than 60 are widows. That figure rises to 80% women older than 70.
The All India Democratic Women's Association reports that in India where a woman's identity is determined by her being an appendage to a male, widowhood has much larger implications than just losing a husband.
The situation is no better even in some other neighbouring countries. For a long time, families regarded daughters as inferior to sons and treated them accordingly. A girl is generally seen as suitable only for household chores. She lives through a series of social practices which generate, breed and reinforce discrimination against her. She becomes an economic burden and a moral liability. Yet, she is expected to raise healthy, hardworking and educated children and be a good mother. Many little boys grow up thinking their sisters are inferior having seen them treated less well than themselves. These beliefs are reinforced by many members of the society, including women themselves.
Perhaps the single biggest issue is the lack of support and the restrictions girls face if they want to do something with their lives beyond the traditional roles assigned to them as domestic help, baby-sitters for younger siblings, cooks and cleaners. In effect, girls are under life-long training to be good wives when they grow up.
As a 16 year old girl from Rawalpindi, points out: 'Our society does not treat girls well. People here do not educate their girls because to them girls are not theirs. Girls are seen as belonging to their future in-laws' families and any investment in their future is futile. They go to their husbands' homes at a young age, usually anywhere from 13. The rest of their lives is spent looking after in-laws, and bearing and bringing up children to prolong and strengthen their husband's family line'.
We need to eradicate this type of thinking and make education compulsory and free so that it does not become an issue' she says. 'Girls should also be able to have jobs, working in places where no one disapproves and preferably with other girls so parents can't object. I have always regretted that I was born a girl. Sometimes when I was not allowed to do something I would go to my room, cry and pray to God to make me a boy'.
The Girl Child Project in such countries is slowly changing all this by developing a core of young girls to act as catalysts in creating local awareness of the problems of girls and the discrimination they face.
The issue of education crops up almost invariably. Many girls have had to fight for their right to education. Some were helped in this fight by their untutored mothers who believed that their own lives would have been better if they had had some schooling.
In many societies a woman's place is in the home; a married woman owes her first allegiance to her duties as wife and mother. There is no such thing as 'women's lib'. Even in some progressive societies women are humiliated. For example in public places, they are required not only to sit apart from the men, but out of their view -- that is, behind them. When women are placed at the back of a room or hall, it acts as a subtle indication that their expected role is 'behind' and not 'together with' that of the men.
Some people believe that women are prone to evil. Therefore, it would be better to get them do more domestic work so that they can forget their natural evil attitude.
WOMEN'S LIBERATION MOVEMENT AND ITS EFFECT ON FAMILY LIFE
In the distant past men went out to hunt for food for the family and the women remained at home to cook and take care of the children and the home. Hence the origin of the popular phrase: 'A woman's place is in the home'.
In the old days, women were quite content being home makers. They did not go out to work or pursue a career. The stereotype of womanhood -- a life that revolves around children and kitchen -- has eroded over the past several decades, as more and more women have pursued careers. Rural society in general however still promotes motherhood and not careerism. Society accepts quite generally the fact that the single woman worker ordinarily supports herself and she contributes largely to the support of aged parents and younger members of the family. Most women seek employment because of economic needs and changing attitudes about personal fulfilment.
However with the call for women's liberation, many women seem to think that the solution is to compete with men outside the home. Such women should consider very carefully whether they want to bear children, or to pursue a career. It is irresponsible for a mother to bring a life into this world and then leave it in the care of others without due consideration for its welfare. You are responsible for what you create.
There has been a notable increase of married women who are employed. Today, they have forged ahead as career women, often playing a dual role of working woman and mother. Most working mothers are torn between the guilt of leaving their children at home with servants and the call of their careers.
With more and more women doing further studies, the number of working mothers is increasing. Over the years, women have made substantial advances in the professions and now occupy important top management positions in government departments and in the private sector. The trend is most pronounced in the urban areas. In the political field women have risen to top ministerial positions, to the extent that they find themselves more in the limelight of public life, whilst their husbands in the background, have to be content and remained in the shadows of their wives.
Women executives climbing the corporate ladder to top management positions however still face subtle form of sex discrimination. The gender gap faced by aspiring women, particularly professionals, is most pronounced at the top of the corporate ladder.
Boardroom decisions usually end up with the remark: 'We are reluctant to groom them for leadership jobs because our investment is lost if they leave to become mothers.'
Gender discrimination at the executive level however is not easy to prove; hence the term 'glass ceiling' has been coined to describe the invisible but rigid barrier that blocks women's path to the upper echelons of corporate power. Although some people categorically deny the existence of such a barrier, women's routes to the top are blocked by this so called 'glass ceiling . Hence to reach the top a woman has to make a choice between career and family. Some conscientious working mothers, with domestic helpers to look after the babies, have come to realise they could never leave their babies at the mercy of strange women; so however much they enjoy their office work they decide to give up their careers. It is indeed sad that some women on the other hand have chosen to pursue their careers at the expense of their families.
A child has a right to be satisfied materially, but more importantly spiritually and psychologically. The provision of material comfort is secondary when compared to the provision of parental love and attention. We know of many people from poor homes who in spite of their meagre income have brought up children well with penty of love.
Conversely, many rich people have provided every material comfort for their children, but being deprived of parental love, these children have grown up to become psychologically and morally handicapped.
Some women may feel that advising them to concentrate on the upbringing of the family is below their dignity or something degrading and reflects the thinking of the old and the conservative. It is true that in the past, women have been treated very badly, but this was due more to ignorance on the part of men rather than to an inherent weakness in women. The Sanskrit word for a housewife is Gruhini which literally means 'leader of the house.' Certainly it does not imply that a woman is inferior. Rather it means a division of responsibility for the male and the female.
Women have been struggling for ages to gain equality with men in the field of education, the professions, politics and other avenues. They are now at par with men to a great extent. The male generally tends to be aggressive by nature and the female more emotional. In the domestic scene, particularly in the East, the male is more dominant as head of the family whilst the female tends to remain as a passive partner. Please remember, 'passive' here does not mean 'weak'. Rather it is a positive quality of'modesty' and 'gentleness'. If man and woman maintain their masculine and feminine qualities inherited from nature and recognise their respective strengths and status, then such an attitude can contribute towards a congenial and mutual understanding between the sexes.
In this connection, Gandhi's remarks are very relevant: 'I believe in the proper education of woman. But I do believe that woman will not make her contribution to the world by mimicking or running a race with man. She can run the race, but she will not rise to the great heights she is capable of by mimicking man'. Here we can look at the wisdom of the ancient Chinese when they created the YIN and YANG symbol. The curved line which divides the dark and light segments show that opposites need not take confrontational stances. When one dominates the other recedes. When one side recedes the other dominates, and so both remain equal. Womem has to be the complement of man.
In certain countries, many husbands hand over their pay packets to their wives who handle domestic affairs. This leaves the man free to concentrate on what he can do best for the family. Since each partner knows clearly what his or her responsibilities are, there is no conflict between them. The atmosphere at home is thus happy and peaceful where their children can grow up well.
Of course, the husband must see to it that his partner is well cared for, that she is consulted on every family decision, that there is enough freedom for her to develop her own personality and that she has her own free time to pursue her personal interests. In this sense, husband and wife are both equally responsible for the welfare of their family. They should not be in competition with each other.
A mother should consider carefully whether she should continue as a working mother with all the attendant pitfalls or to be a housewife giving all her undivided attention, due affection and care to her growing children. Strangely, some modern mothers, particularly in certain countries with military regimes facing a shortage of manpower, are being trained to handle guns or other deadly weapons when they should be cuddling their children and training them to be good or law-abiding citizens.
In certain countries female soldiers often carry arms, though usually for self defence, and they are no longer restricted to the rear echelon. In the air, women now fly combat aircraft and attack helicopters, not just being drivers of military transports, but at home they still display their gentleness and caring natures especially with to children.
CHILDREN AND SEX EDUCATION
Teaching children the facts of sex and sexual development needs to be done with care, sensitivity and in a holistic manner. Coping with changes in sexual development is an issue every child must face, and the challenge is even more critical for children during their early formative years. Educators and parents must therefore regard sexuality as part of human drives and needs that must be correctly channelled.
The necessity for giving correct information about sexual development to children is of paramount importance. Children nowadays are exposed to knowledge about sex through the mass media (often with gory details), books, through the Internet and also from their peers, and if they are not taught to differentiate between what is appropriate and what is