Jealousy and the Abyss
William Pennell Rock
From the Journal of Humanistic Psychology, Vol. 23, No.
2, Spring 1983, 70-84
Copyright ©1983 by the Association for Humanistic
Reprinted by permission of the author at www.PlanetWaves.net
Relationships -- and jealousy in particular -- provide an opportunity to come
to a fundamental understanding of the self. Jealousy is the eruption of attachment.
It can be transcended only through awareness. As we move with awareness into the
core of this phenomenon, we pass through ungrounded expectations and beliefs,
projections and delusions, envy, guilt, the loss of self-esteem, and the threat
to security. The core is an existential problem; it has to do with illusion and
the essentially fearful nature of the ego. In possessiveness, ego defends itself
against nothingness. When we come to know and accept the nothingness at the core,
jealousy and the pain of obsessive attachment cease.
Imagine this: You're very
much in love with someone, and you have to go out of town. You know your lover's
habits; you know he or she likes to go to bed fairly early, and that he or she
gets up and goes to work in the morning. So you go away on your trip. You're gone
for about a week, and then one evening you call, and there's no answer. Awful
pictures rush into your mind. With great forces of will you stop them. The next
morning, you call at eleven in the morning. His or her roommate answers the phone
and says, "Gee, I'm sorry, She's not up yet, She's sleeping late." Oh
god. Something is fishy. Something's going on. You don't know what it is, but
your stomach is starting to churn. You're jealous.
What do you do when you're
jealous? In a fever, you may try to find out if your lover has been with someone
else. If he or she has, you go into a rage, a frenzy of blame.
It's an immediate
response. You are angry. You feel violated. You want revenge. You want to stop
what is happening, control the situation, manipulate whatever is necessary to
If you can cool down, if you can get hold of the internal
automatic reactions that accompany jealousy, you might find out that you can indeed
fix the situation. Often, what comes up as jealousy can be eradicated by simple
communication. "I need to have more time with you." "When we go
to a party, I don't want you to be with anybody else." "I need to have
sex outside the relationship." When we leave these needs unspoken, they lie
in wait until a situation exposes them. It is essential to get very clear and
explicit with your partner about your needs and expectations.
of diplomacy are important, but they remain superficial. A deeper opportunity
is missed. Things are happening in this odious passion that present the possibility
of entering new levels of self-understanding, to see who you are and what is the
source of suffering.
The first step is to clarify what you are about in the
relationship. If you and your lover want to evolve into more awareness; if somehow,
somewhere, the glimmer of enlightened consciousness attracts you and you want
to move in that direction, then you can make an important choice. What you choose
is not just to increase your pleasure together, not even necessarily to protect
the relationship or to secure it in some way, but to use the relationship as a
means of coming to a deeper and more fundamental understanding of what is so.
How you see the relationship will affect matters from the beginning;
for instance, what you share with each other about your realities. If both of
you are there to create a safe and secure relationship, you will tend to conceal
anything that might threaten it. Many couples come to live completely mendacious
lives together. Gradually, they smother themselves in compromises. Love energy
-- eros -- cannot pass between two lives lived in lies. Only truth is erotic.
the relationship is seen as a means to knowledge, the paradigm shifts: The discipline
is to learn to live uncompromisingly in your truth and to love the other without
qualification. No easy task, but there is no higher., What you are loving together
is truth: Everything real has to be shared; everything else has to be dismantled.
is a simple test to see where you are in this matter of relating. Write down all
the things you have not shared with your partner. Contemplate this list, and there
you will see the limits you place on the relationship, the degree of your commitment
to the way of the lover.
LOVE AND ATTACHMENT
Now, on the path where relationship
is a means for coming to self-understanding, it is necessary to clarify the difference
between loving and being attached. This is a most basic distinction, because so
much of what we experience as attachment, we call love. In fact, most of the institutions
around love, such as marriage and family, are actually ways of protecting our
investment in attached situations.
Loving someone is glorifying who they are
in their uniqueness. Consider a flower. You see a flower that is really beautiful
to you. You want to glorify that flower in its own natural setting, or else you
want to pick it and possess it. Those are two entirely different ways of being.
Love creates a thankful glorification of the flower. You love the other
you want to see the other thrive, enjoy, and grow. You want to see them become
more of who they are, nor matter what that entails. That's the truth of love.
It is unconditional.
Attachment is quite different. You want to pick the flower,
sever it from its roots, and make it yours. You want to appropriate the beloved,
make him or her be what you want them to be, conform to what is convenient for
you in the relationship. Attachment is not care for the other; it's care for oneself.
This distinction has to be understood: Are you loving, or are you attached?
you are attached, you are going to experience the pain of jealousy. It follows
that jealousy becomes the opportunity to see within yourself the truth of attachment.
Not theoretical understanding, but existential awareness of attachment at its
very roots. Only through this awareness can jealousy be really transcended.
TO THE CORE
The most extraneous and irrelevant way to deal with jealousy is
trying to control your partner. It is also the least effective. Whatever illusions
you may have as to who is to blame or who is at fault, jealousy is within you;
not within the relationship. Manipulating your lover is a poor palliative. To
control outer circumstances by making your lover behave or toe the line in a certain
way is to miss the opportunity. You always miss the opportunity of jealousy --
indeed, any pain -- if you blame others. It is not that the other may not be to
blame, but that in the matter of inner realities, blame is always irrelevant.
of the other is external. Moving inward, we use the situation that created the
jealousy as the occasion for clarifying communication and for negotiation. To
do so is constructive for the relationship, but still peripheral, still not touching
upon the real opportunity presented by jealousy. Moving further inward towards
the core, we come to the personal level: yourself and your own reactions. This
is the real field for dealing with jealousy: not trying to blame or fix your partner,
but seeing who you are.
Really, jealousy is like an onion -- so overwhelming,
so pungent, so difficult to be near. It cannot be ignored. It makes you cry. Yet
the onion is an important food. In blaming and controlling, you are refusing to
see that there is an onion. You are trying to avoid. In trying to see who you
are, you take the onion in hand. You take a radical, internal view of what happened
to you in jealousy. Now you peel off layer after layer of the onion until you
reach its center. There at the core is the possibility of freedom.
The first layer of the onion is your unexamined notions about how one
should be in relationship. What are your beliefs? Do you believe that if you're
in a relationship with someone, you should be with them exclusively and they should
be exclusively with you? Well, where does that belief come from? Is it based upon
some hidden idea that the other is your possession? Is the other an object to
be arranged in a way that is suitable to you? Only if you possess the beloved
can you tell them how to be. So, if you're inclined to manipulate and control
in this way somehow subconsciously you have already made the lover into your possession.
This is something to look at. Can one person be the possession of another? What
beliefs do you carry about relationship?
The fact of the matter is, you are
not actually in a loving relationship if you think that you possess the other,
because the essence of the other is basically free. Whatever peripheral control
you may exert, you cannot touch that inner freedom that a human being is. Whatever
peripheral control you may exert, you cannot touch that inner freedom that a human
being is. You may control your lover so that he or she appears to love you, but
you cannot make a person love you.
Moving inward, look at the situation rationally
or realistically. We each have our own sexuality, and we each have to take care
of it as we can. Only some people can fit their sexuality into one relationship.
So to have the belief that your lover should be able to so conform may already
be erroneous. You are not responsible for the sexuality of the other. You can
not take control of their sexuality. You do not own it. It is their own. And what
they do about it is in a real sense their own affair.
This insight has probably
helped me in my own dealings with jealousy more than any other. Somehow I had
the idea that my sexuality and her sexuality were tied up as one. That is a beautiful
experience. In fact, the relationship may go through a long period where there
is a pure union of two sexualities. But to say that that is how it must be forever
and oblige the other to behave in accordance with that belief will not work.
beliefs inevitably contribute to the pain of jealousy. Take stock of your beliefs,
and drop the ones that aren't functional. That's the first skin of the onion.
second layer is projection. Sometimes we suspect that our partner is being untrue
to us. For instance, that night you called your lover, a thought immediately came
to mind: "Oh, she's got somebody with her." One reason that you may
have these perceptions is because you yourself are harboring thoughts of being
"unfaithful." In fact, if you are in a relationship where you have an
agreement not to be sexual with anybody else, you will almost inevitably start
having feeling of wanting to be with others. Sooner or later, if you don't share
those thoughts, or if you're not up front about the fact that you have such feelings,
you will imagine that your partner is having them. This is projecting. Your jealous
feelings may come from the fact that you feel like you want to play around, and
so you suspect that your partner is doing it because you refuse to be aware that
you are entertaining such a temptation yourself. A projected perception and a
real one feel differently. We can learn to discriminate between the two. Again,
the challenge is to be aware, to examine oneself.
Another level that
we have to peel off is envy. Envy is often mistaken for jealousy. I have experienced
what I thought was tremendous jealousy, when in fact what I was feeling was envy
because my partner was having a ball and I wasn't. Well, she's off having a good
time with a boyfriend in New York, and I'm out here sitting alone. I want to have
a good time with somebody. Envy is the frustrated longing for the other's experience.
It is a different, more superficial phenomenon than jealousy.
layer is guilt. Guilt can afflict you if you feel bad because you're jealous.
Since the sexual revolution, some would-be liberated people think it's wrong to
feel jealous. We are told that we shouldn't feel jealous, we should rise above
it. So if you have this belief and you feel jealous, you're going to experience
shame and guilt. But judgment is truly irrelevant. Jealousy is jealousy. It is
neither good nor bad. It simply is, and it is an opportunity.
We must learn
to peel away the skins of illusion, and get to the core. Really, what I'm talking
about is awareness. The discussions of projection, envy, and guilt are pointers,
but you have to bring to your own internal situation of jealousy your awareness.
Ask these questions and investigate the reality of your feelings. In order to
transcend a negative feeling, you must move deeper and deeper into your own authentic
experience of it. Not what you read in a novel or saw in a movie. Not what someone
has said you should feel. What you are actually feeling.
Becoming aware of
the actual feeling and the true source often alleviates the feelings. You may
experience what you describe as jealousy, but when you really examine the feelings,
what is really there is anger that you were being left out of something that was
fun -- envy. There's your partner taking a trip with someone else. You would like
to go on that trip, and you're being left out. Those are not really feelings of
jealousy. They are simply feelings of sadness or anger at being excluded from
something that's happening, something that you feel you belong to in some ways.
outer layers of the onion of jealousy really aren't jealousy at all. They're reactions
belonging to other complexes. If you can see them, and separate them out from
what you're really feeling, you can sometimes relieve the pain without ever coming
to jealousy. What was really going on was moral indignation, envy, guilt or fear,
or some other kind of feelings.
Up to this point in peeling the onion, the
primary emotions are sadness or anger. Both are created out of expectation. You
are angry with your lover, you are sad because he or she has violated your expectations.
But you are responsible, because you have created and are holding those expectations.
Desire, according to the Buddha, is the source of suffering. A tension is created
in your consciousness between whatsoever is and what you would have it be. That
tension is the basis of all suffering.
Once the anger and sadness resulting
from our fractured expectations are peeled away, once blame is removed from the
other and anger disappears, once we see the superficial feelings around ourselves
that aren't really at the core of jealousy, we come to fear.
FEAR AND ANXIETY
first fear we come to is fear of loss. Jealousy sees many things that can be lost.
The fear of loss of the lover is the greatest. The rest of the fear around jealousy
is in fact anxiety; that is to say, it does not have a real object.
anxiety comes from the loss of self-esteem. All kinds of self-doubt come up. You
don't have enough money. Something's wrong with your body. You start projecting
your own inadequacies on the other's actions. If your self-esteem is low, a jealous
episode is going to be used as an occasion for proving that you are unlovable.
the ideas that you have. You'll notice that they belong to all the old mechanisms
by which you put yourself down. In other words, you were putting yourself down
for these things long before the beloved came along to give you an excuse for
doing so. Now you're just using him or her as a pretext.
So here's something
else that you can do about jealousy: Start being aware that you are putting yourself
down and that the inclination to do so is there independently of the jealousy-producing
situation. Own your own tendency to put yourself down. Learn to deal with it yourself,
and don't lay it on your lover.
Deeper than fear that comes from a loss of
self-esteem is fear for the nest. One of two lovers is usually more concerned
about the security of the relationship. Often it is the woman. Usually the function
of the female in nature has been to keep the nest. It's almost as though nature
gave her that fear out of protection of its own. The woman fears for her home,
fears that the source of biological or family security is threatened. A man can
also be possessed by security obsession. As women have become freer and more assertive
men experience jealous insecurity more often. This is a deeper level of this onion
Deeper than fear for the nest and close
to the core, are anxieties from infancy that are quickened by the present situation.
Often, such jealousy is delusional there whether or not there is any occasion
for it. We can come to terms with many of these fears by looking deep inside and
finding memory traces from our childhood of being abandoned, for instance.
These memory traces come from various losses or threats, beginning at birth. Later,
you may want to win the special love of the parent of the opposite sex, but you
may not achieve this primitive goal, so you feel constantly frustrated and inadequate.
Or you become morbidly guilty and conclude that you should lose your oedipal goal
because your incestuous wishes are bad.
You carry within you for the rest of
your life memories of these early childhood traumas. Later, as soon as your lover
goes for someone else, all that early trauma is triggered. Now if you move into
a deep awareness, you can actually experience those childhood traumas, you can
see that what you're experiencing in this present situation actually comes form
a deep residual memory of abandonment.
All of these levels of the onion have
to do with illusion, not with realities. They're from the past, from childhood,
or they're illusions about the present, beliefs that are illusory, that don't
relate to here/now reality. This is a very significant aspect of these anxieties
that come with jealousy. If you have jealous feeling, and you start looking at
them, suddenly you begin to see that they're not real. You are torturing yourself
with unreal fears. What does this mean? What does it come from?
THE CORE ILLUSION
are coming closer to the core of the onion. Reactions that are peripheral, the
more superficial skins of the onion, are resting upon the core. The core is the
source -- the first illusion. The core has to be there for the other illusions
to be there.
At the core is fear of a deeper kind. In its first aspect, it
looks like fear of aloneness. This fear, too, comes from a childhood situation,
from memories of when your parents left you alone. There you were, freaked out
in your crib, crying, and nobody heard you.
This core fear has also the aspect
of fear of death. Again, something is going to be taken away -- your own being!
That's how vulnerable you are. There's something about jealousy, that gut feeling,
that is like the fear of death. It's that immediate, it's that real.
that's very like fear of death, interestingly enough, is fear of love. When we
love, we move so much into the other that we lose ourselves. We use the expression
"falling in love" because it's like falling into a great abyss. You
lose your identity, your sense of autonomy. And that is exactly what happens when
you fall in love. You lose your autonomous sense of who you are.
of aloneness, of death, of love, all have the aspect of fear of abysmal nothingness
-- the fear that there isn't anything. Death suggests this to us. When we die,
we don't know what's beyond. The only thing we know is that it's not like here.
So as far as we're concerned, it's just oblivion. Nothingness is there in our
consciousness all the time. Jealousy brings us immediately to this fear of oblivion.
these fears -- of death, love, aloneness, and nothingness -- all are like the
core of the onion. In fact, they all point to this core. The core itself is existential.
It has to do with your existence. Thus jealousy is not fundamentally a problem
of relationship, not a problem of love, but a problem of religion. Jealousy is
basically, fundamentally, a spiritual problem.
What I mean by "religion"
here is not belief or morality. I mean religion in the fundamental sense of how
you relate to your own existence -- your feelings, your senses, your inner aloneness
all of those realities that you experience but can never really communicate.
Every human being relates to his or her own existence. Existence is God. In that
relationship you're totally alone. In that you have no company. That is what it
is to be a human -- relating alone and reflectively to your own existence.
truth of your religion has little to do with going to a church or temple, but
with how you relate to that which you can't articulate, which is within you, and
true. The way you relate to this existence is the basis of religion, and this
religious matter is the core of the onion. Jealousy in its core exposes how you,
as a human being, relate to your existence.
Basic to the question
of existence is the question, who is this "I" that's doing all of this
feeling? Who is this "I" that loses self-esteem, that has a nest to
protect, that is afraid? Who is this "I" that says "mine"?
Who is this conglomerate of expectations? Who is this I?
In the East, they
call it the ego. We use the word "ego" in the West in the sense of self-esteem;
or in psychoanalysis, it is your capacity to cope with reality. When I talk about
ego, I'm talking about something more fundamental. It is that which identifies,
that which feeds on self-esteem, that which is the composition of all your expectations,
that which perpetuates itself by possessing. In short, ego is that which can become
Ego and jealousy are both illusory. In your experiences of jealousy,
you come to an insight that it is not real. You were jealous, and then all of
a sudden you're not jealous any more, and you look back to when you were, and
you feel that it wasn't real at all. It disappeared because it had no basis. That's
what I mean about ego. Ego is that which we experience which is not real. Jealousy
is also not real. Becoming aware is the joy you feel when you actually experience
Let us consider envy again. Like all the skins of the onion,
envy stands on ego. See how illusion works in envy. First of all, how do you know
if you can be envious of another person? You see only outer circumstances and
objects. You don't really know if the other is really happy with what they're
experiencing. When you look at the other, what you perceive is your own projections.
Don't even suppose that you can see another person's reality sufficiently to compare
with yours in the first place. There's no way -- until we reach utter, silent
awareness within -- that we can go into another and truly know their reality.
But the illusion goes deeper.
In envy you are comparing the I -- which is your
ego -- with the ego presented by someone else. Your comparison is based on an
illusion that you are an entity and the other another entity, and you can compare
the two, Only ego is "comparable." Only if you see yourself as an ego
can you compare yourself in the first place.
Your comparison is based on illusion.
The "you" object that you're comparing with some objectified person
out there is really a subject -- internal, hidden, uniquely, incomparably yourself.
All your subjective reality is being objectified and then judgement compared with
an object out there that you perceive to be a certain way.
With envy, possessiveness,
jealousy, ego itself, we are not dealing in moral or ethical issues. It is irrelevant
whether these or any acts they come from are wrong or right. It is a matter of
reality or illusion, of authenticity, of phoniness. When I talk about peeling
away the layers of the onion, what I am asking you do is become aware. Through
awareness only can we drop this illusion. And that which has illusions, that which
can be jealous, is ego.
The feeling of abysmal jealousy is an eruption, a deep
catharsis of ego. That's why jealousy is the great opportunity to stare ego right
in the face. But it is difficult. It requires ruthless awareness, because ego
is usually concealing itself. With deadly subtlety it masquerades as comparison,
as blame, as the fault of the other, as problems that you have. It's hard even
to have any grasp of it, because its hold on you is so subtle, so magical. It's
always casting a spell over you. In fact, you believe that you are ego. That's
why it's so hard to see. Thus, when jealousy presents the source of suffering
itself directly before you, there is great possibility.
What creates ego in
the first place? Existence takes care of me as a child in a womb. It keeps "breathing"
me. Then why do I develop this illusory me that -- in the name of protection --
keeps me in pain, keeps me alienated, isolated, separated from others, and unable
to trust in existence? Why am I unable to trust that I'm taken care of by the
whole, by all that is? All of us live in fear, and that which lives in fear is
the same as that which is jealous: the ego.
To understand the ego, we must return to the core of jealousy. We "fear"
the same in love, death, and aloneness. It is existence, or God, pure being. But
because it is not a thing (only ego sees things), it has been called in the East,
"nothingness" and "emptiness."
Let me give you an experience
that might give you some sense of this nothingness. When you're waking up in the
morning you are in a twilight. You're just coming out of sleep, before your thoughts
begin to form, some ground is there. Like a tremendous empty vessel, it's there
prior to your thoughts. Things bubble up in it and become realities. They congeal,
take on an identity, and form the ego that you think you are.
The words "vessel
of emptiness" or "nothingness" sound as though they are describing
something that is devoid of content. They don't have that meaning. They mean that
for existence there are no things that are real. In other words, existence presents
us with an undifferentiated flow of experience welling up out of a void, an abyss
of the unknown. Only with our minds do we pick out things, interpret them, and
say that they are real. Our minds say that things out there really exist in the
meaning context and values we assign to them. What we actually experience is a
moving kaleidoscope of uninterpreted fullness. And this moving, ever-changing
phenomenon over which we have very little control, really, is a nothingness. It
is a fullness in which there is no thing. So when you get right down to the basic
religious question raised by jealousy, you have to question whether or not you
really even exist.
In his great work Being and Nothingness, Sartre said that
we as human beings so dread this ground of consciousness, this nothingness, that
we have to create ourselves to be something. We are nothing. We are undifferentiated
out of the great emptiness. We have no content. But this is so frightening, so
abysmal, that we create ourselves to be something namely, an ego. Being
and nothingness is ego and existence, jealousy and the abyss. We are something
fearful created out of nothing. Since somewhere we always know the something to
be unreal, nothing is always present to us threateningly. My sense of my death
is that it is always presented because nothingness is always there. Death is an
accession to nothingness, a return to the source. So here we are, and basically
what we come form is emptiness or nothingness. This is our basic angst.
of mine experienced a lot of pain in her relationships. She was very compulsive,
and possessive. She asked her teacher, Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, about her pain,
and he told her this: The ego, which arises out of the nothingness that we basically
are, can have a negative or a positive response to the nothingness. The something
that we are knows deep down that we're standing on nothingness. All of you know,
deep down, that before the whole, you aren't anything. The negative response is
subliminal terror. Against this fear of nothingness, you create the illusion that
you are something. You back this project by preoccupation with realities, accumulating
and possessing. That something illusory that you are is the one that suffers in
jealousy. The entire structure is a negative or fearful response to nothingness.
Bhagwan told my friend that this something-ego can also relate positively to nothingness.
Only then can we move out of attachment into prayerful gratitude and heartfelt
celebration of the other's being. Only then are we capable of real love. Only
by saying a deep yes to nothingness, existence, the whole, do we come to be at
home in nothingness. Eventually the positive response enables us to drop the something
in favor of nothingness.
You are just a bubble. You were nothing before; you
are nothing now. An enlightened bubble is not concerned with its bubbleness. It
just is. It doesn't appear anything special, yet it feels all, sees all just as
it is. That's why it is said to be enlightened. This is a positive, pure response
to our given existential situation.
Most of us don't react positively.
Instead, we shore up our ego realities and live in fear. But death goes on reminding
us of nothingness; aloneness goes on reminding us of nothingness; and love reminds
us of nothingness. All three of these are ways that we experience nothingness
right here and now, and they are frightening. If you have a fear response to nothingness,
you will cling in your relationships, you will have to be possessive. You will
have to control others. These are all tensions and compulsions that reflect this
fundamental fear -- this negative response to nothingness.
Thus ego in its
fear protects itself from truth. This is the core of the onion. It is this core
that you're really dealing with in jealousy. Many illusions are there, many external
circumstances distract you from this core, but this is what jealousy is.
what is so, you have to turn yourself around completely and fall in love with
nothingness. This turning brings with it the greatest religious insight: Nothingness
is there to be relaxed into and loved. This is what they call in religion, surrender.
You surrender to the nothingness and when you do so, it begins to give forth what
you need. You have no control. There is no you that can control.
The you that
controls is exercising the illusion of the ego. We are all in it -- all of us
running around filling our lives with possessing, controlling, and manipulating.
We are not really in control. Our manipulations are only superficial, but the
ego would have us believe that we must be in control or else there is chaos. If
you have much insight into how things around you really are, you will come to
see this control for what it is. It is like a molecule thinking it controls the
The whole organism of existence is moving in its own way, and we
are just nothing. Nothingness is the organism that is the whole. You are not separate
from that organism, and the sense that you are separate from it is the basic illusion
of ego. It prevents the richness that the whole gives forth when we let go to
You can become possessive about God as you can about a lover. If you become
possessive in religion, you lay a trip on God. He will be Rama, he will be Jesus,
he will be dialectical materialism, he will be the state, he will be your God.
"My religion is the only true one." "The God I believe in is the
one and only." Anyone who is very rigid in his or her beliefs is manifesting
the same principles as that which creates jealousy. In other words, the possessive
person and the fanatic are involved in the same game. They build up the same kinds
of resistance to the same primordial fear. So, if you are in negative response
to nothingness, you'll become preoccupied with material possessions, you'll become
obsessed with controlling a lover, or else you'll become very religious and rigid
about your beliefs.
When you possess you become possessed. You live in a deep
vulnerability based in illusion. The stomach-churning pain of jealousy comes from
that vulnerability. That's what you're experiencing. The jealous moment is essential
catharsii of this existential complex.
TO THE CORE
Now, a relationship with
a lover or a relationship with God can reveal the ultimate. Through loving a lover
or an image of God you can experience pure nothingness as bliss. But if you possess,
if you have a God that you have fixed beliefs about, or if you have a lover that
you jealously control, what you're actually doing is blocking your realization.
Out of fear you are misusing that which can give you an experience of bliss. You
are so controlled that you cannot be overwhelmed. And the ultimate can only make
itself known when you allow yourself to be overwhelmed.
If you have this negative
response to nothingness, the very base upon which you are standing is false. That
false base is ego, the seat of jealousy. The possessed person, or the God or principle
that you believe in, is only a projection of that ego. It is not real. You are
relating to an illusion, a projection that you created to keep yourself from experiencing
fear. Your eyes are closed. You can't really see the beloved.
And this is what
happens to us. This is why we don't communicate in love. Because the lover is
a false idol. Whether it's the person or whether it is a God, somehow it's false.
Our eyes are closed to the reality, and what we're relating to all the time is
our own illusion.
This is the basic mechanism that creates jealousy in the
first place. What you really want from a lover, what you really want from God,
is bliss. If you possess them, if you lay your trip on them, if you're relating
to your own projection, you're stopping yourself
from experiencing this bliss.
If you can't know joy through the lover, or through God because of the illusion
that you've created, you can't really experience the bliss of love. You have to
see this basic mechanism that is happening in your relationship to existence and
know that as a jealous person you are making a choice.
Love cannot be channeled
to one object. If you have one love object and channel all of your love there,
what you are experiencing is attachment. Similarly, if you are jealous, you are
not experiencing love, you are experiencing attachment. If you really love, then
you'll experience an overflowing, you will experience love for all. It's a natural
consequence of loving. It is not a natural consequence of attachment. In attachment,
you're channeling all of your love in one direction. In love you're experiencing
something in one direction that frees you in all directions. It's as if you threw
a stone into a pond. Where the stone hits the water, radiations ripple outward.
When you really love, it may be directed toward one object, but it radiates into
love for all of existence. That is why love is said to be divine.
So this is
the possibility that you have as a jealous person. When you work on jealousy,
forget the lover and deal with your own relationship to existence. Go deep inside
yourself, slowly peel away the outer layers of the onion until you come to the
core that is your own relationship to existence. Then you will free yourself to
My own love relationships have been guided by my teacher. In the
last five years he has shaped all the significant factors in the development of
my love life, because he wants me to reach beyond the neurotic needs of relationship.
There was a time when I experienced a lot of pain in loving, a lot of jealousy.
I felt that I was always living in fear of loss. I felt like I couldn't hold on,
and I was in constant pain because of it. So I went to my teacher and asked what
to do. His answer cut through to the core. "Simply love more," he said.
"To cut right through fear of loss which is infantile in its source, right
to the core of the basic relationship what you have to existence, go into more
loving." In other words, if you love someone, go deep into your own unique
experience of what that love is, and just let that be who you are. Surrender to
it. Build your identity upon it. You are not a person who is jealous. Not someone
who's trying to control. Not even someone who's fearing. You are love experiencing
itself deeper and deeper within its own fullness.
"Your love is a boat,"
Bhagwan said. "Just go on, enter loving more, tending, penetrating -- and
the boat, of its own volition, will carry you to the other shore."