As human beings we
have achieved a level of material progress we would not have even dreamed of barely
a century ago. The marvels of modern technology have given us enormous power over
the forces of nature. We have conquered many disasters but the ultimate question
is: 'Are we happier than our ancestors were in the past?' The answer is: 'No'.
The
abuse of women, children and the underprivileged religious and racial discrimination,
color bar, and caste distinction continue on unabated.
Perhaps those who enjoy
material comforts suffer more acutely than their 'poor' fellow beings. Mental
illnesses, stress and loneliness are some of the serious problems we now face
in our modern society. But the vital question is: Who is responsible for all the
evils that haunt the world today?'
There are many who are quite eager to take
the credit for the progress that mankind has achieved. Religionists, scientists,
politicians and economists- are all quick to claim that humanity is indebted to
them for progress. But who must share the blame? I believe that everyone is equally
responsible. Let us turn the spotlight on ourselves and ask ourselves to declare
in all honesty if we also have been responsible for failing to bring peace and
happiness to our fellow beings.
All of us are responsible for some of the horrors
taking place in our midst today because we are too afraid to tell the truth. Let
us take for example the exploitation of man's desire for sensual gratification.
Greed for money and power has led some unscrupulous people to develop a multi-million
dollar industry, to providing sensual pleasures in every possible way and young
children are being trapped and victimized in the process.
Never before in the
history of the world, has the human race been in such great need to be free from
conflict, ill-feeling, selfishness, decent and strife. We are in dire need of
peace nor only in our personal life at home and work, but also at the global level.
The tension, anxiety and fear arising from the conflict are not only disruptive
but continue to exert a constant drain on our well-being, mentally and physically.
In their desire to completely dominate everything around them, humans have become
the most violent beings in this world. They have succeeded, to some extent, but
in so doing have paid a terrible price. They have sacrificed peace of mind for
material comfort and power.
The basic problem we face today is moral degeneration
and misused intelligence. In spite of all the advances made by science and technology,
the world is far from being safe and peaceful. Science and technology have indeed
made human life more insecure than ever before. If there is no spiritual improvement
in the way we handle our problems then humanity itself is in danger of being wiped
out.
GOING BEYOND WORLDLY PLEASURES
The religions of the world have always
maintained that human happiness does not depend merely upon the satisfaction of
physical appetites and passions, or upon the acquisition of material wealth and
power. Even if we have all the worldly pleasures, we still cannot be happy and
peaceful if our minds are constantly obsessed with anxiety and hatred arising
from ignorance with regard to the true nature of existence.
Genuine happiness
cannot be defined solely in terms of wealth, power, children , fume or inventions.
These no doubt bring some temporary physical and mental comfort but they cannot
provide lasting happiness in the ultimate sense. This is particularly true when
possessions are unjustly acquired or obtained through misappropriation. They become
a source of pain, guilt and sorrow rather than bring happiness to the possessor.
Too
often we are made to believe that pleasing the five senses can guarantee happiness.
Fascinating sights, enchanting music, fragrant scents, delicious tastes and enticing
body contact mislead and deceive us, only to make us slaves to worldly pleasures.
While no one will deny that there is momentary happiness in the anticipation of
pleasure as well as during the gratification of the senses, such pleasures are
fleeting. When one views these pleasures objectively, one will truly understand
the fleeting and unsatisfactory nature of such pleasures. One will thus gain a
better understanding of realty: what this existence really means and how true
happiness can be gained!
We can develop and maintain inner peace only by turning
our thoughts inwards instead outwards. We must be aware of the dangers and pitfalls
of the destructive forces of greed, hatred and delusion. We must learn to cultivate
and sustain the benevolent forces of kindness, love and harmony. The battle-ground
is within us and is not fought with weapons or with any other sources but only
with our mental awareness of all negative and positive forces within our minds.
Mindfulness
makes a full man. A full man speaks with an open mind. And like a parachute, the
mind works better when it is fully opened. This awareness is the key to unlock
the door from conflict and strife as well as wholesome thoughts emerge.
The
mind is the ultimate source of all happiness and misery. For there to be happiness
in the world, the mind of an individual must first be at peace and happy. Individual
happiness is conducive to the happiness of society, while the happiness of society
means happiness of the nation. It is on the happiness of nations that the happiness
of this world is built. Here we must use the image of a net. Imagine the whole
universe as an immense net and each being as a single knot in this net. If we
disturb one knot, the whole net is shaken. So each individual must be happy to
keep the world happy.
From the lessons of life, it is clear that real victory
is never gained by strife. Success is be never achieved by conflict. Happiness
is never experienced through ill-feeling. Peace is never achieved by accumulating
more wealth or gaining worldly power. Peace is gained only by letting go of our
selfishness and helping the world with acts of love. Peace in the heart conquers
all opposing forces. It also helps us maintain a healthy mind and live a rich
and fulfilling life of happiness and contentment. 'Since it is in the minds of
men that wars are fought, it is in the minds of men that the fortresses of peace
must be built'.
SENSUAL PLEASURES
Today, especially in many so-called affluent
societies, people are facing more problems, dissatisfaction and mental derangement
than in under-developed societies. This is because men have become slaves in their
sensual pleasures and crave for worldly enjoyment without proper moral and spiritual
development. Their tensions, fears, anxieties, and insecurity disturb their minds.
This state of affairs has become the biggest problem in many countries. Since
people in developed societies have not learnt to maintain contentment in their
lives hence naturally they will experience unsatisfactoriness.
There are four
areas where man is trying to find the aim of life:
- Material or physical level;
-Likes
and dislikes or pleasant or unpleasant feeling;
- Studying and reasoning;
-
Sympathetic understanding, based on pure justice and fair dealing,
The last
one is the realistic and lasting method which never creates disappointment. Today,
people need more wealth, not only for their living and to fulfill their obligations,
but because their craving for accumulation has increased. It has become a sort
of competition.
In experience worldly pleasure there must be an external object
or partner but to gain mental happiness it is not necessary to such have an external
object.
Many young people have lost confidence in themselves and have to face
difficulty in dealing what to do with their lives. The main cause of this mental
attitude is excessive ambition and anxieties created by competition, jealousy
and insecurity. Such problems naturally create a very bad atmosphere for others
who want to live peacefully. It is a fact that when one individual creates a problem,
his behavior in turn effects the well being of others.
Animal never experience
happiness but pleasure. Happiness is not based on the arbitrary satisfaction of
one's own self but in the sacrifice of one's pleasure for the well-being of others.
USING
WEALTH PROPERTY
To most people a wealthy person, community or nation is one
that is 'rich' in the sense of possessing assets or money which constitute material
gain. The word 'wealth' originally meant state of well-being (weal). The word
'commonwealth' carries this meaning. But it is now used to refer to property which
generally promotes material well-being rather than the mental state of being well.
Of
course we cannot deny that desire for wealth is a valuable adjunct to success
if held within proper bounds. Desire , in itself, is not evil. Unrestrained, however,
desire leads to restless discontentment, envy, greed, fear and cruelty to fellow
beings. The accumulation of money may aid in the achievement of a kind of happiness
to some extent, but does not in itself bring total satisfaction. Where most men
of vast means fail is when they confuse the means with the end. They do not understand
the nature, meaning and proper function of wealth, that is merely a 'means' by
which one can gain the 'end' of supreme happiness. But one can be happy without
being rich. An old Chinese tale will illustrate this.
Once there was a king
who wanted to know how to be truly happy. One of his ministers advised him that
to be happy he would have to wear the shirt of a man who was truly happy. After
a long time he found such a man, but the happy man had no shirt to give the king.
That was why he was happy!
Wealth should be used well and wisely. It should
be used for one's welfare as well as that of others. If a person spends his time
clinging to his property, without fulfilling his obligations toward his country,
people and religion, he will lead an empty life plague with worries. Too many
people are obsessed with material gain, to the point that they forget their responsibilities
to their families and fellow beings. Happiness is a strange thing. The more you
share it, the more you get satisfaction .
If one is selfish, when the time
comes for one to leave the world, one will realize too late that one had not made
full use of his or her wealth. No one, even a wealthy person, will have really
benefited from the riches so painstakingly accumulated.
ACCUMULATION OF WEALTH
Some
people think that by accumulation more and more wealth, they can overcome their
problems. So they try to become billionaires, working hard, but after becoming
billionaires, they have to face many more unexpected problems - insecurity, unrest,
enemies and difficulty in maintaining their wealth. This, clearly shows that the
accumulation of wealth alone is not the solution for human problems. Wealth no
doubt can help to overcome certain problems but not all the world's happiness
can be gained through money. Money cannot eradicate natural problems.
Philosophers,
great thinkers and rationalists have pointed out the nature of human weaknesses
and how to overcome them. However, many people regard them as mere theories and
not as solutions to their problems. Sometimes the intellect actually creates more
problems because it increases our egoistic opinions about ourselves.
THE BUDDHA'S
ADVICE FOR EARNING
Contrary to misconceptions held by certain quarters that
Buddhism, with its spirit of tolerance and particularly in its practice of meditation,
does not encourage its followers to work hard and to be industrious. The Buddha
, in his many discourses, in fact strongly encouraged his followers not to be
idle and indolent but to work hard and to be industrious so as to accumulate wealth
through righteous means to maintain economic stability. Whilst encouraging the
accumulation of wealth, the Buddha incidentally warned his followers not to violate
any ethical or religious principles in so doing. He also advised that man should
not become a slave to the mere accumulation of wealth just for accumulation for
sake but to protect it without neglect and waste. He advised that wealth should
serve as an adequate means of livelihood for the family, should be utilized to
assist relatives and friends where necessary, and to help the poor and needy as
charitable acts.
In his discourse on various types of happiness in relation
to wealth, the Buddha gave four practical classifications of happiness as follows:
-
Happiness in the possession of wealth through righteous and legitimate means
-
Happiness through the proper and correct usage of accumulated wealth;
- Happiness
in the knowledge free from indebtedness to anyone;
- Happiness in the knowledge
that no illicit or illegitimate means had been employed in the course of accumulating
wealth and that no one had been harmed or injured in so doing.
MAN'S PLACE
ON THIS PLANET
From the Buddhist point of view, man is different from animals
because only he alone has developed his intelligence and understanding to reflect
his reasoning. Man means 'one who has mind to think'. The purpose of religion
is to help man to think
correctly, to raise him above the level of the animal,
to help him understand his relationship with his universe and live in harmony
with it so that he reaches his ultimate goal of supreme happiness and fulfillment.
The
three questions which have baffled man ever since he was able to satisfy his three
basic survival needs of food, shelter and procreation are:'Who am I? What am I
doing here? Am I needed? Throughout the history of man, many thought-systems have
evolved, with religion being foremost among them, to provide answers to these
questions. Naturally, since man asked them in the first place, the answers were
all seen from the point of view of man himself.
MAN IN THE UNIVERSE
Long
ago man had been seen himself as being in the centre of the Universe, as its most
important inhabitant. According to this point of view , the world was made for
humans, for themselves to obtain from it what they wanted because they were the
most favored creatures on it and everything that existed on this planet was for
their sole pleasure.
This so called "Humanistic" view may be directly
responsible for the terrible rape of our planet and our disregard for the rights
of other beings which co-exist with us. For example there have been tragic cases
where certain species of animals become extinct through needless slaughter by
unsympathetic humans in pursuit of their sporting pleasure or business purposes.
Even today the subjugation of nature by science and technology is being applauded.
We must increase the number of those amongst us who have already realized the
vast destruction that has been wrecked by man in the name of 'progress'. Up until
now nature has been most forgiving and it has allowed man to continue to think
that this planet was made for him to rape and plunder at will, to satisfy his
insatiable greed for material possessions and sensual gratification. Today there
are many warning signs to indicate that the comfortable times are about to end.
Hopefully, if Compassion and Right View will not save the world , then at least
the same selfishness and desire for self-preservation and self-gratification will
force man to give some sensible thought to our impoverished environment and our
suffering fellow creatures on this earth.
To understand the place of man in
the Universe from a Buddhist point of view we must first of all look at the Buddha's
views on the cosmos. According to Him, the Universe is to be understood in terms
of a vast cosmic space. His teaching categorized the whole universe into three
groups: planets with living beings, planets with elements and only space itself.
We
can see man as a specially favored creature that had come into existence to enjoy
the pleasures of a specially formed planet or the centre of the universe, Buddhism
views man as a tiny being not only in strength but also in life span. Man is no
more than just another creature but with intelligence that inhabits universe.
Biologically,
humans are weaker than any other beings big or small. Other animals are born armed
with some sort of weapon for their own protection and survival. Humans, on the
other hand have their mind for every thing but not as a weapon. Humans are regarded
as cultured living beings because they are to harmonize with others but not to
destroy them. Religion was discovered by them for this purpose. Everything that
lives share the same life force which energizes man. They are part of the same
cosmic energy which takes various forms during endless rebirths, passing from
human to animal, to divine form and back again, motivated by the powerful craving
for existence (the survival instinct) which takes them from birth to death and
to rebirth again in a never-ending cycle called samsara. The three detrimental
sources of man which bind him to samsara are Greed, Hatred and Delusion.
This
cycle can only be broken irrevocably through the development of Wisdom which destroy
these fetters and puts an end to craving. Our share fate as beings who inhabit
this planet is that we all want desperately to go on living.
'All tremble at
the rod
All fear death
Knowing that
One should neither strike
nor
cause to strike' (Dhammapada)
All things depend on each other for their existence.
A man cannot see himself as different from (let alone being superior to) other
beings because his body is solely dependent on food, which means he is dependent
on plants, water, oxygen, etc. for his existence. At the same time his mind also
exists dependently because the existence of thoughts rely on sense data which
are derived from the external world of objects and persons. The whole universe
must be seen as an immense net: if only one knot in it is shaken, the whole net
vibrates. Man owes allegiance to the world because he is dependent on it for his
existence both physically and mentally. His attitude towards the world should
therefore not be the arrogance of a pampered only child but one of humility: the
world was not made for him alone, nor is the world always made out in his favor.
Worldly conditions have no favoritism; they are neither kind nor cruel but neutral.
Man exists because the rest of the world allows him to do so.
Therefore he
should not try to squeeze things out from the world only for his own benefit.
He must maintain a sense of awe and respect towards nature and all beings. Man
is a relative newcomer to the planet Earth. He must learn to respect his other
brethren. He must learn to behave more like a guest rather than a player in a
card game where the winner takes all.
It was in recognition of this interdependence
that the Buddha advised his followers to practice metta (loving-kindness) to all,
to radiate that compassion towards all beings. The Buddha does not mean that men
should extend their love to fellow human beings only (he certainly does not recommend
special treatment for their 'fellow Buddhists'). Whenever he talks about loving
others he always speaks of 'all beings' (sabbe satta) even those lacking material
form, the conscious, the super conscious.
Three modes of birth: living beings
are those that are moisture-born, egg-born, womb-born and those spontaneously
arising in other planes of existence. Clearly the Buddha was teaching that if
a man is to live on this planet he must develop an attitude of loving kindness
towards not only fellow human beings but all beings that inhabit this planet as
well as in other planes of existence. Only then can he vanquish the selfish thoughts
which place his needs and survival above the needs of all others.
In Buddhist
cosmology man is simply the inhabitant of one of the existing planes one can go
to after death. These range from superconscious levels through the highly sensuous
down to the four unhappy states. Man occupies a mid-way position in these realms.
The so-called divine realms are 'happy' state but they too are impermanent. Although
there are indications to lead us to believe that some intelligent living beings
do exist in other world systems, it is not verifiable whether there are beings
similar to humans in other planets of the universe. It is in terms of this infinite
vast cosmic context that Buddhism tries to understand the place of man in the
universe. In terms of that context man seems to be small. We must add to this
man's propensity for cruelty, for his ability to inflict pain on others which
makes him at times far less admirable than animals which only attack to satisfy
their basic need for food, shelter or sex.
MAN'S UNIQUE POSITION
One might
argue that this is a very negative view of man, relegating him to an inferior
position and disregarding his magnificent achievements in philosophy, religion,
psychology, science, the arts, architecture, literature and development of culture
and the like. Far from it, in this cosmic context humans assume a unique position
because they have the most rare privilege of easy accessibility to salvation.
It is for three reasons.
Human world is a good, well-balanced mixture of pleasure
and pain. When pleasure is intensified (in the divine realms) or pain in predominant
(in the lower world) one's mind does not turn towards spirituality. Buddhists
maintain that extreme austerity or extreme self indulgence are not conducive to
the development of wisdom and understanding . The Middle Path between extreme
pleasure and austerity is advocated and the human world provides man the opportunity
to tread the Middle Path. The second reason is the relative short span of human
life and the unpredictability of the time of death. Faced with imminent death
one is more often inclined to spirituality. The third reason is that while in
other realms the inhabitants are mere passive recipients of the effects of their
past kamma, man is a favorable position to create fresh kamma, and is thus able
to shape his own destiny.
All of this gives man the responsibility to work
out his own salvation in the human plane. He is in effect his own Creator and
Savior. Many others believe that religion has come down from heaven but Buddhists
know that Buddhism started on the earth and reached heaven.
What this implies
is that each man has within him the Buddha-seed (potential for perfection) which
he can develop without any external aid. One can become a Buddha through birth
in the human plane , because it is here that he can experience existence in its
entirely. Buddhists would certainly agree with Shakespeare's view of the human
paradox -
What a piece of work is man
how noble in reason,
how infinite
in faculties in form and moving;
how express and admirable in action,
how
like an angel in apprehension,
how like a god, the beauty of the world
the
paragon of animals; and yet to me what is this quintessence of dust?
-Hamlet
2-2
In many ways man is ignorant, yet he has the seed to become the highest
of all beings, a fully enlightened one. Some people say that human life is between
heaven and hell because the human mind can be developed easily to experience heavenly
bliss, and when it is abused it could very easily experience suffering in hell.
Man
is man only if he has that human concern or human heartiness.
Proud man hath
no heaven
The envious man hath no neighbor
An angry man hath not even himself.
-Chinese
philosophy
'The individual by himself is helpless. Hence the social life of
man which brings forth co-operative power. Man cannot be man without society.
Man is one with nature' . -- (Greek philosopher)
In the teaching of the Buddha
it is mentioned that human beings experience heavenly bliss when the objects impinging
on the five senses are favorable and soothing.
On the other hand they also
experience suffering like in hell if the objects are irritable and disturbing.
WHAT
BUDDHISM REQUIRES OF MAN
What Buddhism require of man? A Chinese scholar once
asked a monk what constituted the essence of Buddhism and the sage replied:
To
do good, not to do evil
To purify mind,
This is the teaching of all the
Buddha's.
Naturally this scholar had expected a much more 'profound' answer,
something deep and abstruse, and he remarked that even a child of three could
understand that. But the sage replied that while a child of three could understand
it, a man of eighty could not practice it !
The Buddha has similarly cautioned
his attendant disciple , Ananda not to regard seemingly simple teachings as something
easy to follow.
This is the essence of Buddhism- Man is required to follow
startlingly 'simple' precepts in his search for emancipation, but the practice
of these can be extremely difficult.
To begin with:
-he must not take the
life of any living creature knowingly;
- he must not take anything not given
-he
must refrain from lying and harsh frivolous speech;
-he must guard against
sexual misdemeanor;
-he must no take anything (like drugs and liquor) which
causes him to lose his mindfulness.
These are important Buddhist principles
to observe.
These principles are not meant for expression but to be simply
put into practice with understanding. The central problem of the spiritual life
is one of active, practical application, not a matter of intellectual knowledge.
The
ultimate aim of man in Buddhism is to break finally and irrevocably the bonds
that bind him to constant rebirth in the repeated birth- and- death cycle of samsara.
He is destined to be subjected to an endless round of rebirths because in his
ignorance, man conceives of an enduring entity called on 'ego' or 'self'.
Taking
the illusion of an ego for real he develops selfish desires. Man is thus endlessly
struggling to satisfy his cravings but he is never satisfied. It is like scratching
a sore to find temporary relief, only to discover that in doing so the itch has
increased because the sore has been aggravated.
THE INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE
Marriage
is a partnership in which two individuals of opposite sexes but equal worth as
human beings choose to live together. A happy and lasting marriage requires a
lot of hard work and commitment where love is fed with shared experiences, joys
and sorrows.
Marriage is the culmination of love by two individuals committed
to one another by a common bond. 'How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I
love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach ...'(Robert Browning).
We believe as Browning does, that love is the essence of life itself, something
which transcends boundaries, race and creed.
Marriage has failed to fulfill
its purposes today because people have failed to recognize the importance of equality
and respect for women. These privileges are enjoyed by many women in a large number
of areas of human activity. Strangely when it comes to marriage, women are still
treated badly. The importance of the role of women in society was undoubtedly
widened after the advent of Buddhism in India, giving them a wide scope to venture
into vacations besides house-keeping. In spite of this, for the vast majority,
to get married and rear children remained the normal choice of career. But there
was a difference: married life was ennobled by the noble position given to it
by the Buddha himself to such an undertaking. He lifted the married women from
a state of servant to a state of responsibility and importance. As an indication
of the Buddha's concern for maintenance of happiness through marriage, he laid
down specific instructions for the guidance of husband and wife.
The Buddha
was full of praise for happy couples. Among his lay disciples were Nakulamata
and Nakulapita who were considered most eminent for having lived together amicably
for a long time. The Buddha praised them and gave instructions to others as to
how they too could live happily in marriage. These instructions given over two
thousand five hundred years ago hold good even to this day. Much misery has been
experienced in modern times by men and women in married life because they deviated
from these instructions.
The institution of marriage in ancient India was governed
by the concept of caste, the position of women, the rights of men and the four
stages of the individual's life. The Buddha's rejection of the concept of the
caste system meant that the Buddhist institution of marriage was emancipated from
these rigid and inflexible rules, regulations and rituals which had become a great
obstacle to the free and unprejudiced behavior of the members of society both
male and female.
The discourse of Fundamentals of Buddhist Social Ethic, (Sigalovada
Sutra) generally lays down the basic pattern of relationships between husband
and wife, parents and children, and enumerates the reprisal duties that bind them
together emphasizing the most essential aspects of their common life.
The comprehensive
study of the Buddhist institution of marriage outlined in the Buddha's teaching
clearly shows that was intended for the enjoyment, promotion and moralization
of biological needs, psychological satisfaction and material well-being of both
husband and wife without any reference to specific customs, sacraments or any
kind of ideology, religious or otherwise.
According to the Buddha, cultural
compatibility between husband and wife was considered as one of the factors of
successful married life. Many of today's problems in marriage arise from the inability
of the parties concerned to recognize the sacrifices involved. Marriage is not
simply lust and romance. Romance is not a bad thing in itself, but it is emotional
and has limitations.
There will be less disillusion and heartache in marriage
if we understand that, from the illusions of romance, a deep and abiding love
may emerge. Love is a passionate and abiding desire, on the part of two people,
to produce together conditions under which each can express his of her real self
and to produce together an intellectual soil and an emotional climate in which
each can flourish, far superior to what either could achieve alone.
In the
past we heard of blissfully married couples who shared the sweetness of love earned
through years of being together, for better or for worse. For most who have been
long-married couples, 'happily ever after did not just happen. Couples in long,
happy marriages mentioned this fact of life when asked what made their relationships
a success'. 'We worked to keep the romance alive. We enjoyed our differences and
learned from them.
'We voiced our discontents freely and deal with them right
away instead of letting them build into thunderclouds'. But in a way, the thing
all successful couples have in the common was reflected in this observation: 'Even
when things were really bad, we were both too stubborn to quit'. Perhaps what
characterizes modern couples with problems is that they want things to work out
too easily as it happens on television. No, everything good must be earned through
hard work.
For many the road to marital longevity has not been soothe. The
bumps included many things: inability to have children, the death of a child,
a disabled child. a difficult economic crisis and highly stressful career changes.
Although
none of the couples surveyed said so specifically it was obvious that two other
factors were important to their marital success. Firstly, even though some couples
forced considerable differences in personality and sometimes carried heavy emotional
baggage, they maintained respect for one another always and refrained from trying
to remake their partners. A wife once told her husband: 'You married me for what
I am'. He retorted, 'No, I married you for what you would become'. Now of course
both parties were wrong because their expectations were different and they were
unwilling to compromise. Secondly, none of the marriages was marred by psychological
disturbances too severe to preclude a true partnership. There was a wife who always
used to insult her husband even for a minor mistake stating: 'You are a stupid
man'. The husband on the other hand was a tolerant man. However, one day when
he was scolded by the wife using the same word the husband retorted: ' I think
you are right. If I were not stupid man, do you think that I would ever marry
a woman like you?' From that day onwards she did not repeat that insulting word.
To
achieve a successful marriage, couples also need to understand and accept the
differences between the two genders. Couples sometimes become frustrated with
each other and wish that their partner was more like them. Knowing and being able
to tolerate the differences between men and women helps a lot in marriage.
A
mate who is willing to weather the hard times and make the adjustments that come
with children, job changes, financial difficulties or simply learning more about
the person one is married to, is the real secret to a successful marriage.
Another
saying on married life: Wife becomes a mistress to a young man, a companion to
the middle aged, and a nurse to an old man'.
Many couples with children are
determined to stay together at least until their children are grown up. With just
a little effort these years can be among the most fulfilling times in a marriage.
Marriage
is a blessing but many people turn their married lives into misery and a curse.
Poverty is not the main cause of an unhappy married life. Both husband and wife
must learn to share the pleasure and pain of everything in their daily lives.
Mutual understanding is the secret of a happy family life.
In a true marriage,
man and woman think more of the partnership than they do of themselves individually.
Marriage is a bicycle made for two. A feeling of security and contentment comes
from mutual efforts.
A wife is not her husband's servant. She deserves respect
as an equal. Though a man is generally regarded even today as being the bread
winner helping out with household chores do not demean his masculinity. At the
same time, a nagging and grumpy wife is not going to make up for shortages in
the home. Neither will her suspicion of her husband help to make a happy marriage.
If her husband has shortcomings, only tolerance and kind words will get him to
see light. It is important in marriage to keep tolerance alive throughout. Little
things can mean a lot. Right understanding and moral conduct are the practical
sides of wisdom.
From time immemorial, flowers have been considered the language
of love. They don't cost much. Wives, or for that matter all women, attach a lot
of importance to birthdays and anniversaries, and caring husbands should never
be too busy to keep love alive with little tributes and attentions. Trivialities
such as these are at the bottom of most marital happiness. Wives do appreciate
such little attentions from their courteous husbands and it is this lifelong goodwill
that keeps the home fires burning.
A carefully developed family affection is
a simple formula that works both for keeping marriages together and bringing up
children of good character. True love means being willing to value ones' partner
and being unwilling to devalue him or her in the presence of other people. This
willingness has to spring from the heart. The key difference between marriages
that work and those that do not is how much a couple value each other. Criticizing,
putting down or belittling a spouse particularly in the presence of other people,
erodes a relationship. And even this is not enough as each still has to value
the other as he or she is a rare gem.
Sometimes words are not necessary if
there is understanding. An elderly father one confessed to his children that he
loved their mother very much and told them to take care of her always, even after
he was no more. He confided to them that she was the best woman in the world and
that the family as indeed lucky to have her around. The wife, now in her 60's,
has seven grown children and as many grandchildren. Yet she confessed that she
never once heard the endearing words 'I love You' ever uttered or whispered to
her- not even a variation of it. The wife, who belongs to the old school of Chinese
philosophy, is quite content with her husband's own caring ways and concern for
her happiness in their blissful married life. Her female intuition somehow tells
her that deep down in his heart he truly loves her and that she could not have
been dealt a better deck of cards. It is in the nature of some people not to speak
out their feelings, but they care. We have to watch out for their actions. The
next key to a harmonious marriage is to work towards achieving one's objective.
It is a law of nature that if no effort is put into, for instance, a garden, weeds
will grow instead of beautiful flowers. The same goes for marriage.
Faith,
not necessary in the religious sense, (though it helps tremendously if a couple
shares similar religious beliefs) is another vital ingredient in a lasting relationship.
How
important is sex in a marriage? Sex is a natural instinct and if enjoyed within
its proper boundaries can bring about great happiness. Sex helps to keep a marriage
glowing, and is an important and vital area that keeps a marriage together. It
creates intimacy, a shred experience between two people which no one else is party
to. It makes the relationship precious and private. The important thing to appreciate
here is the fact that men and women see sex differently. While men may view sex
as an intense physical activity, women do not. For her, it involves an interaction
with the man she loves, that is with gentleness, his care and concern. Understanding
the fact that women need intimacy and closeness makes the sexual activity a lot
more meaningful and fulfilling.
Sex is much more than the gratification of
an appetite. It is the basis of an intimate lifelong companionship, and the means
of bringing into the world children whom we love and cherish as long as we live.
Through
the ages we have learned that love and mutual respect must be the basis of close
intimacy between the sexes. Sex, like any other tendency in man, must be regulated
by reason. Man, not being governed by instincts like lesser animals, would find
his tendencies running wild were he not to regulate them with reason.
There
a saying:' Like fire, sex is a good servant but a bad master'
A society grows
a network of relationships which are mutually intertwined and inter-dependent.
Every relationship is a wholehearted commitment to support and to protect others
in a group of community.
Marriage plays a very important part in this strong
web of relationships of giving support and protection. A good marriage should
grow and develop gradually from understanding and not impulse, from true loyalty
and not just sheer indulgence.
The institution of marriage provides a fine
basis for the development of culture, a delightful association of two individuals
to be nurtured, and to be free from loneliness, deprivation and fear. In marriage,
each partner develops a complementary role, giving strength and moral courage
to each other, with each manifesting a supportive and appreciative recognition
to the other's skills.
There must be no thought of man or woman being superior
- each is complementary to the other, a partnership of equality, exuding gentleness,
generosity, calm and dedication and most important of all, self-sacrifice.
THE
BUDDHA'S ADVICE TO A COUPLE
I- THE WIFE:
In advising women about their role
in married life, the Buddha appreciated the fact that peace and harmony of a home
rested largely on a woman. His advice was realistic and practical when he explained
a number of day-to-day characteristics which a woman should or should not cultivate.
On diverse occasions, the Buddha counseled that a wife should:
- not harbor
evil thoughts against her husband
- not be cruel, harsh or domineering
-
not be spendthrift but should be economical and live within her means;
- guard
and save her husbands' hard-earned earnings and property;
- always be attentive
and chaste in mind and action;
- be faithful and harbor no thought of any adulterous
acts;
- be refined in speech and polite in action;
- be kind, industrious
and hardworking;
- be thoughtful and compassionate towards her husband;
-
be modest and respectful;
- be cool, calm and understanding - serving not only
as a wife but also as a friend and adviser when the need arises.
According
to Buddhist teaching, in a marriage, the husband can expect the following qualities
from his wife:
-love: A deep and abiding love is the most emotional and spontaneous
expression of desire and self-fulfillment a husband expects of his wife. It is
indeed the basis of an intimate life-long mutual relationship and the means of
bringing into the world children whom they will love and cherish as long as they
live. Here love is not limited to mere attachment (prema), but it is an all pervading
quality of wishing for the genuine well-being of her husband.
- attentiveness:
To be ever heedful, mindful and diligent, as well as to give her undivided attention
to her husband's needs;
- family obligations: Besides fulfilling the duties
and responsibilities of the couple's own family, the wife should also honor and
respect her in-laws and deserving relatives and treat them as she would her own
parents;
- faithfulness: Is associated with chastity, fidelity and steadfastness
of the wife. It also implies being trust worthy and giving her constant devotion
to her husband;
- Child-care: Motherly love is the foundation of all love in
the world. As a devoted mother she would through her maternal instincts, even
venture out at the risk of her life, for the protection of her only child;
-
thrift: As the wife is entrusted with the task of home management it is incumbent
on her to be that household expenditure is kept well within the family budget
provided by the husband. To accomplish this task, the wife has to economize on
her expenditure and exercise thrift, even to the extent of being frugal in doing
so;
- the provision of meals: As the mistress of the house, it is the duty
of the wife to prepare good nourishing food for the family. The family meal is
an important event each day as it develops goodwill and togetherness;
- to
calm him down when he is upset: When the husband returns home in an agitated state,
the wife has to express herself in a soothing manner so as to pacify and comfort
him. This will ease the situation;
- sweetness in everything: Besides expressing
her endearing and tender feelings, the wife should also possess a charming disposition,
be always cheerful, pleasant and comely.
II- THE HUSBAND
The Buddha, in
reply to a householder as to how a husband should minister to his wife, declared
that the husband should always honor and respect his wife, by being faithful to
her, by giving her the requisite authority to manage domestic affairs and by giving
her befitting ornaments. This advice, given over twenty five centuries ago, still
stand good till today.
Over the centuries, male dominated societies have perpetuated
the myth that men are superior to women but the Buddha made a remarkable change
and uplifted the status of woman by a simple suggestion that a husband should
honor and respect his wife. Such a remark may be common today, but when we consider
it was made 2500 years ago, it is no less than revolutionary!
A husband should
be faithful to his wife which means that a husband should fulfill and maintain
his marital obligations to his wife, thus sustaining the confidence in the marital
relationship in every sense of the word.
The husband being the bread-winner,
has to invariably be away from home, hence he should entrust the domestic or household
duties to the wife who should be considered as the custodian and manager of their
property and as the home economic-administrator.
The provision of befitting
ornaments to the wife should be symbolic of the husband's love, care and appreciation
showered on her. This symbolic practice has been carried out from time immemorial
in Buddhist communities.
Unfortunately today it is in danger of dying out because
of the adverse influence of the modern way of life.
The wife expectations from
the husband are:-
- tenderness: Being gentle and respectful to the wife on
all matters when attending to her needs;
- courtesy: Being polite, obliging,
civil and modest in his dealings and consultations with his wife;
- sociability:
Being genial, friendly, communicative and compatible at all times with his wife
in the company of their friends and visitors to their home;
- security: The
principal objective a wife seeks in her marriage is security to be provided by
her husband.
In this respect the husband is expected to be a tower of strength
so as to withstand any form of external threat to the family and to provide them
with adequate protection and safety at all times;
-fairness: As a responsible
husband, he should be giving , compassionate and merciful as well as being charitable
to deserving causes needing his assistance. As a father, he has to be just and
reasonable to the demands of his growing children;
- loyalty: As an understanding
husband, he should give his undivided loyalty to his wife and stand by her, through
thick and thin, under any adverse situation confronting the family.
He should
be steadfast in his principles and one whom the wife could, with complete confidence,
depend upon in facing any untoward eventuality;
- honesty: Being a responsible
husband, he has to be upright in his character and be frank with his wife on all
matters affecting themselves and their children. He should not harbor any secrets
from his wife as this will ultimately erode her trust and confidence in him;
-
good companionship: The husband should possess an amiable personality and be able
to mix with people from all walks of life. He should be knowledgeable so as to
be able to engage in intelligent conversation at all levels of society and be
approachable to anyone needing his assistance. He also should possess a good sense
of humour to enliven his listeners who seek his companionship; and
-moral support:
As a responsible husband, he should be able to stand steadfastly by his wife's
side to the very end, in the face of any untoward eventuality confronting her
and lend her moral support and much - needed courage to overcome such a situation.
III-
HUSBAND AND WIFE
The husband is the acknowledged head of the family, unless
he is incapacitated from performing his duties as such. Both in common law and
under modern legislation, the husband is legally bound to support his wife and
family, notwithstanding the fact that the wife has her own property or income
or is capable of earning her own support.
Even today where many wives work,
the nurturing of a family should be a shared experience. Husbands have no reason
to shirk household duties, to help the wife and train the children, especially
when there are no servants to do such work.
Apart from these emotional and
sensual aspects, the couple will have to take care of day-to-day living conditions,
family budget and social obligations.
Thus, mutual consulations between the
husband and wife on all family problems would help to create an atmosphere of
trust and understanding in resolving whatever issues that may arise.
THE FIVE
DUTIES TO BE PERFORMED BY PARENTS TOWARDS THEIR CHILDREN.
According to the
Buddha there are five duties that should be performed by parents toward their
children.
- The first duty is to dissuade them from evil: Home is the first
school, and parents are the first teachers. Children usually take their elementary
lessons on good and evil from their parents. Careless parents directly or indirectly
impart an elementary knowledge of lying, cheating, dishonesty, slandering, revenge,
shamelessness and fearlessness towards evil and immoral activities to their children
during childhood. Remember the habit of aping. Parents should therefore show exemplary
conduct and should not transmit such vices into their children's impressionable
mind.
- The second duty is to persuade them to be good: Parents are the teachers
at home; teachers are the parents in school. Both parents and teachers are equally
responsible for the future and well-being of the children, who become what they
are made into. They are, and they will be, what the adults are. They sit at the
feet of the adults during their im-pressionable age.
They imbibe what is imparted.
They follow in their footsteps. They are influenced in thoughts, words and deeds.
As such it is the duty of the parents to create the most congenial atmosphere
both at home and in the school.
Simplicity, obedience, co-operation, unity,
self-sacrifice, honesty, straightforwardness, service, self-reliance, contentment,
good manners, religious zeal and other kindred virtues should be inculcated in
their juvenile minds by degrees. Seeds so planted will eventually grow into fruit-laden-trees.
-
The third duty is to give the children a good education: A decent education is
the best legacy that parents can bestow upon their children. A more valuable treasure
there is not. It is the best blessing that parents could confer on their children.
Education
should be imparted to them, preferably from youth, in a religious atmosphere by
training them to uphold noble human disciplines and humane qualities. This has
a far-reaching effect on their lives.
- The fourth duty is to see that they
are married to suitable individuals: Marriage is a solemn act that pertains to
one's whole lifetime; this union should be one that cannot be dissolved easily.
Hence, marriage has to be viewed from every angle and in all its aspects to the
satisfaction of all parties concerned before the wedding.
Parents' observations
of their children's life partners is important for their future married life.
While parents must accept modern practices like dating and so on, children must
know clearly that parents have a right to monitor their activities, know who their
friends are. But there must be also a right to privacy and self respect.
According
to Buddhist culture, duty supersedes right. Let both parties be not adamant, but
use their wise discretion and come to an amicable settlement.
Otherwise, there
will be mutual cursing and other repercussions. More often than not the infection
is transmitted to progeny as well. It is said that in most cases people who perpetrate
abuse of others were themselves the victims of abuse.
- The last duty is to
hand over to them, at the proper time, their inheritance: Parents not only love
and tend their children as long as they are still in their custody, but also make
preparations for their future comfort and happiness. They acquire treasures through
personal discomfort and ungrudgingly give them as a legacy to their children.
Parents
who bequeath their wealth do not want their children to squander it but to benefit
from the inheritance so that it will enhance their living standard. In all of
this the bottom line is mutual respect, and concern for the welfare of both parents
and children.
PARENTAL RESPONSIBILITIES IN THE UPBRINGING OF THEIR CHILDREN
Parenting
is not like any other 9 to 5 job. It is never ending and there is never enough
time to do everything. No matter how old your baby is, newborn or toddler, it
is never too late to put your baby first and enjoy being a mum or dad.
Many
parents think that they alone know what is best for the children and therefore
expect too much from them. They force their children into tuition classes even
if they can cope with their studies. At the same time they are asked to take up
ballet dancing (in the case of girls), taekwando (in the case of boys), music
lessons, computer classes and so on. On top of this, they insist that their children
obtain straight 'A's in their examinations and excel in everything else. In this
ratrace they turn their children into display objects; possessions which they
can be proud to show off to their friends and relatives and for others to talk
about.
In the good old days life as a child and a teenager was never stressful
because there were not too many expectations to fulfil. But children these days,
especially those in urban areas, seem to have so many things to do and compete
in that they are deprived of a normal childhood. Many people fail to realise that
as parents, they have certain rights and also responsibilities. The child has
his or her rights and responsibilities too. What we have today are people who
want to be super parents, but in many cases the children do not turn out to be
super. Parents should therefore be realistic and reasonable. They should not set
targets which they well know their children cannot fulfil, thus avoiding unnecessary
stress and disappointment to the family. Building a happy family is a continuous
process.
Hence parents must not only be fully aware of their role and responsibilities,
but also apply modern techniques in parenting accordingly. Remember the saying
of the Taoist philosopher, Zhuang Zu: 'If you have 6 fingers do not try to make
them 5, and if you have 5 fingers do not try to make them 6. Do not go against
nature.'
You are responsible as a concerned parent for the well-being and up-bringing
of your children. If the child grows up to be a strong, healthy and useful citizen,
it is the result of your efforts. If the child grows up to be a delinquent, it
is you who must bear the responsibility. Do not blame others. As parents, it is
your bounden duty to guide your child on a proper path. Although there are a few
incorrigible cases of juvenile delinquency, nevertheless as parents, you are morally
responsible for the behaviour of your children. Parental support and control have
to be adjusted as the child grows. The ultimate goal of parenting is to become
a friend to your child but only according to his capacity to accept responsibility.
A mistake some parents make is that they want to be a friend to their six-year
old. But we need to be careful about what we mean by friend. We certainly do not
mean we treat a child as if he is an equal in maturity. But there must be love,
trust and respect. At that age, a child needs a parent, not a friend. While building
a loving and supportive relationship with the children, it is recommended that
parents help them develop spiritually.
Above all you must have time for your
child. Time to answer his questions, to help him understand the wonder of life.
You have to bear in mind that you are stifling the creativity in your child when
you do not answer the questions that he is raising. When a child is asking questions,
he is indeed seeking to communicate, so the biggest challenge confronting you
is to respond readily with love, and everything you do should be congruent with
the natural inquisitiveness in a child.
Being spontaneous is also important
in getting children involved in things and the greatest scientists have been known
to be spontaneous. If parents do not know the answers to questions they must make
it a point to find it out for their children instead of brushing them off and
telling them that they are too busy, or it is not important, thus shutting them
up and stifling their curiosity. You will feel guilty about telling your children
during their most tender and inquisitive age: 'Don't ask so many questions!.'
As a caring and responsible parent you should in fact respond readily to that
natural inquisitiveness in your child.
The scientific way of solving a problem
is to look at the problem, find all the data available and then put together a
solution in a coherent manner. Likewise, a child whose curiosity meets with a
favoured response will learn to think and act scientifically as well as creatively
and it will serve him well into adulthood.
For instance, when you give a toy
to your child, you should give it with tender love and joy. Instead, certain parents
tend to almost shout: 'Don't open it like that. Don't break the toy, it is very
expensive. Do you know how lucky you are to get such a toy?' So what if he indeed
breaks the toy? If you can afford to buy the toy, he will quite logically think
he can afford to break it.
You could instead be part of his discovery by telling
him: 'Come my dear, let's open the toy box together,' and use the fun element
instead of the negative element. Give the present with joy and love. It can be
done if you are not stressed and unhappy yourself. You must be happy for it is
only in a state of happiness that one is comfortable and generous.
Parents
sometimes are to be blamed for unwittingly inculcating negative social habits
in their children. For instance, a parent who asks a child to say that he or she
is not in when answering a phone call ( a seemingly innocent act ) plants the
first seed of falsehood in the tender mind of the young. If allowed to flourish
in an environment not conducive to promoting human values, the child may well,
in the future, become a destructive element to the peace, happiness and well being
of family and society, and more importantly to himself.
Many parents and elders
are today responsible for planting these seeds of falsehood in many different
ways. They either encourage falsehood directly, or by acting or speaking falsely,
initiate and allow the vicious cycle of human value degradation to develop. The
fate of our children may well depend upon the parents and elders developing a
right attitude to moral upbringing truth and truthful living.
Children echo
the language of their parents. To prevent the use of rude or vulgar words, responsible
parents should use pleasant terms, as children generally tend to imitate their
parents.
A child at its most impressionable age needs the love, care, affection
and attention of the parents. Without parental love and guidance, the child will
be emotionally handicapped and will find the world a bewildering place to live
in. Showering parental love on the other hand does not mean pandering to all the
demands of the child, reasonable or otherwise. Too much pampering would in fact
spoil the child. The mother in bestowing her love and care, should also be strict
and firm, but not harsh, in handling the child. Show your love with a disciplined
hand - the child will understand.
Parents should spend more quality time with
their children, particularly during their formative years. They should consider
giving their children the gift of healthy parenting instead of showering them
with material presents. This gift includes building a child's self-esteem, striving
for positive communication, granting unconditional love and eliminating aspects
that hinder the child's psychological development. These are gifts with true,
deeper meaning. Healthy parenting is the greatest gift a child can receive and
a parent can give.
Unfortunately, amongst present-day parents, parental love
is sadly lacking. The mad rush for material advancement, the liberation movements
and the aspiration for equality among the sexes have all resulted in many mothers
joining their husbands, spending their working hours in offices and shops, rather
than remaining at home and tending to their off-spring. The children, left to
the care of relations, day-care centres or paid servants, are bewildered on being
denied tender motherly love and care.
Providing the child with all sorts of
sophisticated modern toys (as a form of appeasement) such as tanks, machine guns,
pistols, or swords that are detrimental to character formation is not psychologically
advisable. Loading a child with such toys is no substitute for a mother's tender
love and affection. The child as a result is unwittingly taught to condone aggression
and destruction instead of being taught to be kind, compassionate and helpful.
Such a child will develop brutal tendencies as it grows up. Devoid of parental
affection and guidance, it will not be surprising if the child subsequently grows
up to be a delinquent. Then, who is to be blamed for bringing up such a wayward
child? The parents of course!
The working mother, especially after a hard day's
work in an office, followed by household chores, can hardly find time for the
child that is yearning for her care and attention. Parents who have no time for
their children now should not complain later in life when these same children
have no time for them. Parents who claim that they spend a lot of money on their
children but are too busy should not complain when in later life their 'busy'
children in turn decide to leave them in Homes for the Aged!
Most women work
today so that the family can enjoy more material benefits. They should seriously
consider Gandhi's advice for men to seek freedom from greed rather than freedom
from need. Of course, given today's economic set-up we cannot deny that some mothers
are forced to work. In such a case, the father and mother must make extra sacrifices
of their time to compensate for what their children miss when they are away. If
both parents spend their non-working hours at home with their children, there
will be greater harmony and understanding between parents and children. We call
this quality time'. with the family.
Children who are left in the care of relatives,
day care centres or paid servants, as well as latch key children who are left
to their own devices at home, are often deprived of motherly love and care. The
mother, feeling guilty about this lack of attention, will try to placate the child
by giving in to all sorts of demands. Such action only spoils the child.
Most
men devote their energies and creativity to their work and thus what energy they
have reserved for the family are merely the 'left overs'. Here is where the argument
for quality time comes in, usually from guilty parents who want to justify whatever
time they have left for their children. One of the flaws of the quality time concept
lies in the fact that the needs of the children and the availability of the parents
do not always converge. When the children need them, they are not around.
Parents
are often placed in a dilemma. Rushing home from a hard day's work, weary parents
have their own family chores waiting for them. When the day's work is done, it
would be time for dinner followed by watching T.V., and whatever time there is
left is hardly enough to attend to a child's rightful dues of parental love and
affection. More importantly, parents are not around to transmit cultural, social
and religious values to their children at times when children are best attuned
to receive them. This cannot be done during 'quality time'.
Some working parents
may even take their work home or even bring back the stress and tension they gathered
from their work place. As a result, they may lose their tempers at the children.
As
husband and wife they may not have enough time together and this may even lead
to broken marriages. There should be increased awareness that strong family ties
can contribute to the healthy growth of a child.
It can be said that gender
differences do operate in parent/child relationships. It is said that mothers
and their grown-up daughters communicate more often, even after the daughters
are married and have left home.
On the other hand, it is different for fathers
and grown-up sons. They are said to only speak when absolutely necessary and often
about nothing serious. The conversation can be like a question and answer session.
The
father perhaps thinks the son is a big boy and that he should know his role and
duties at home, towards his parents and outside. But with mothers, it is different
-- the daughter is forever 'my little girl'.
Whatever it is, parents have an
important role to play in bringing up their children and doing it well if they
want to help ease the many ills plaguing our society today. Good values cannot
be taught through words, but through deeds.
Parents must be good models themselves.
The old parental attitude that 'you do whatever father tells you to do and not
what he does,' does not hold water any more. Parents must be of the right character
themselves. If we want our children to begin life well, with the proper values,
we have to start at home.
If things aren't good between the boys and their
fathers, the latter must begin to look for answers within themselves.
Sacrifices
by both parents are needed. They should make time and try as far as possible to
get the family members involved in all activities pursued, by creating family
oriented activities.
The essence is on setting their priorities right e.g.
a priority oriented towards the family and marriage, thus creating a closeknit
family relationship for a harmonious environment.
A HAPPY FAMILY
It is true
in every society that a family is the smallest social unit. If every family in
a country is happy, the whole nation will be happy. What constitutes a happy family?
A happy family is defined as one that is stable in terms of social, economic,
psychological and physical aspects of life; and where there is warm affection
and harmony among family members. A family which can strike a balance between
these factors is indeed a happy family.
But when we look around us at the situation
in most parts of the world, what do we see? Children loitering in the streets
and video arcades. They play truant. Children are abused, wives are beaten and
ageing parents are packed off to old folks homes regardless of their feelings.
All these are tell-tale signs that all is not well at the most basic level of
society: these are signs of social decadence.
It is a sad situation when good
values and traditions are no longer practised. There is little interaction among
members of the family and friends and the sense of responsibility towards other
members of the family is weakening. Unhappiness in a family may be attributed
to poverty, but having material wealth is no guarantee of happiness either, if
it simply breeds selfishness, cruelty and greed.
A child learns affection and
love from his parents and, together, they make a happy family unit. Through this
microcosm of society, it learns about caring, sharing, compassion and concern
for others. Throughout the ages religion has been an important force to organize
these values into a system that is easily recognized and taught. Thus family and
religion are vital components in impartirng and nurturing these values.
The
family plays an important role in the development of its members. The best of
Asian and Western cultures teach and practise respect for elders, compassion for
the sick and needy, care for elderly parents and consideration for the young.
Children
growing up in families practising these values will emulate them and act accordingly
towards others. But given the vast technological advances in modern civilization
we are fast losing these values. Something must be done to bring the family back
together and save society.
We must protect and support family development as
an institution in the light of the rapid demographic and socio-economic changes
world-wide. Extended families are giving way to nuclear families. We can do little
to stop this trend but the values of respect, concern and compassion must be preserved.
Good values, both Eastern and Western, must be maintained despite changes in lifestyle
brought on by modernisation, industrialisation and urbanisation.
The mother
is an important figure in family development. As care, love, tenderness and compassion
are her innate qualities, she imparts these sterling values to her children in
their upbringing. The mother, because of her love, concern, compassion, patience
and tolerance thus holds the family together. Her espousal of these values may
be passed on to her children who are great imitators and who learn by examples.
We must as a group reinstate the traditional function of the mother, although
of course to suit modern needs and pressures.
Religion too, promotes good human
values. Strong resilient families and the practice of religion are therefore necessary
in the promotion of family development.
It could be said that a happy family
is a group of people living amicably and peacefully together with emphasis on
religion, discipline and parenthood to create a happy family atmosphere. Values
like these should be upheld and religiously protected so that a family is not
influenced by anti-social values and unacceptable norms.
Realistic and reasonable
parents make for a happy family. And the only way parents can build a happy family
is through the institution of marriage. It worked very well in the past. It can
do so now, provided we make it relevant to the needs of today's living.
MARRITAL
PROBLEMS.
Almost every day, we hear of people complaining about their marriages.
Young people reading romantic novels and seeing romantic films often conclude
that marriage is a bed of roses. Unfortunately, marriage is not as sweet as one
thinks. Marriage and marital problems are inter-related and people must remember
that when they get married, they will have to face certain problems and responsibilities
that they never expected or experienced before.
After the euphoria of the wedding,
the realities of living together will set in for the couple, and for some, the
prospects are daunting. Lack of communication or interaction with members of a
family are some of the factors which can be attributed to an unhappy morriage.
A stage will be reached when husband and wife do not even communicate with each
other.
Common examples of non-communication between husband and wife are: (a)
even at the breakfast table he is deeply engrossed in the newspaper; (b) when
he returns from work he will be engrossed with his hobbies or watches television,
and during weekends goes for golf or indulges in other postimes; (c) he does not
express any feelings or concern for the wife, let alone observing important anniversaries
or birthdays.
The wife on her part, after getting married, is no longer interested
in her figure and general appearance. She dresses shabbily. As she no longer reads
or maintains a stimulating circle of friends, the husband finds that he can no
longer engage in a stimulating conversation with her. Life then becomes boring
and this leads the husband to resort to drink and seek solace outside the matrimonial
home.
When does discontent first creep into a marriage? For most couples, the
first year is usually a good year. For some couples, the adjustments of living
together as husband and wife may turn out to be a stressful experience. The arrival
of the first child could also give rise to problems as both man and wife grapple
with the realities of being first-time parents.
Some people say that the first
year after their marriage the husband would listen to his wife. From the second
year the wife would listen to her husband. From the third year onwards neighbours
would listen to both of them when they shout at each other.
Usually, discontent
will be greater if there is no adequate preparation for marriage. For instance,
pre-marital counselling will help couples prepare for the many surprises, pleasant
or otherwise, that they may discover in the course of their marriage.
The dissatifaction
that is supposed to hit most men after being married for so many years arises
from a misconception that 'the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.'
This tendency to be attracted to members of the opposite sex has no age limits.
Such restlessness can occur anytime during the marriage, even for women.
Boredom
is the usual cause, whereas disappointment with the partner is also a common complaint.
When expectations are not fulfilled, pockets of grouses will start to develop.
In any case, when there is no firm commitment to the marriage and no religious
foundation, anything can happen at anytime to jeopardise it.
What are the roots
of discontent? Many wives say that they wish their husbands would listen to them
more, be more attentive to their needs or express their feelings better. It all
boils down to a case of communication which is very much lacking in most modern
marriages. In the past because of their upbringing women were content to remain
in the background and accept any kind of treatment at the hands of their husbands.
But times have changed. Women are much better educated, hold responsible jobs
and knowledgeable of their rights. Men must accept these realities and treat their
wives as equal partners in a marriage. They can no longer be taken for granted.
For
most men, marriage is a goal which they set for themselves to achieve. Having
done so, they will pour their energies and time into the other most important
aspect of their lives, that is, their career or business.
The expectations
of the woman, on the other hand are totally different. After being married, she
expects more love and intimacy and therefore seeks to spend more time with her
husband.
Bringing one's outside problems to the home and taking it out on the
spouse and children is damaging to the family's stability and creates a stress
spiral.
In Asian societies, the problem of in-law interference is a common
one. This is particularly so if the in-laws are able to influence the decisions
of their child. A common complaint put forward by wives is that the husbands listen
to their parents instead of to them. The interference of the inlaws in the upbringing
of the children is also a common problem. While the grand-parents tend to be relaxed
with the children and sometimes spoil them, the conflict of values between generations
is often glaring in such cases.
Some young couples are not happy to allow their
children to have close association with their grand parents thinking they will
learn the old fashioned way of life of their grand parents.
In India and Sri
Lanka and to a lesser extent even in Malaysia, the dowry system is one of the
main obstacles to a happy union. The dowry could include huge amounts of money,
a bungalow, a luxury car, all of these or even more, depending on how afluent
the parents are. And because parents want desperately to marry their daughters
off, they make promises which they cannot keep and the marriage starts to crumble.
The
dowry system has been abused. In the old days, a dowry was given to the daughter
for safekeeping in case of an emergency. Then, unlike today, women were totally
dependent on their husbands and the dowry was a kind of insurance in case the
husband became unable to support her.
Later, the dowry was to be handed over
to the in-laws for safekeeping and now it has become compulsory for the daughter-in-law's
parents to present her future in-laws with the dowry.
People often think that
it is a duty to get married and that marriage is a very impoftant part of their
lives. However, in order to ensure a successful marriage, a couple has .to harmonise
their lives by minimising whatever differences they may have between them. A couple
must also learn to accept each other's shortcomings and personal weaknesses. Even
happy, well-matched couples can experience conflict, hurt, disappointment and
anger. They may recognise shortcomings in such areas as showing appreciation of
each other, willingness to converse and expressing emotions clearly. Do not shy
away from conflict. Disagreements can lead to marital growth, not distance. Quarrels
are essential for survival in a healthy marriage. But a quarrel can only be successfully
terminated if both parties can forgive and forget.
Be willing to work at your
marriage. Do not assume that since the first 10 or 20 years were good, the next
10 or 20 will also be good. Love needs to be fed -- with shared experiences, joys
and sorrows. This requires time, attention, courage and understanding.
One
of the major causes of marital problems is suspicion and mistrust. Both husband
and wife should show implicit trust for one another and try not to have secrets
between them. Secrets create suspicion, suspicion leads to jealousy, jealousy
generates anger, anger causes enmity and enmity may result in separation or divorce,
suicide or even murder.
If a couple can share pain and pleasure in their day-to-day
life, they can console each other and minimise their grievances. Thus, the wife
or husband should not expect to experience only pleasure in their wedded lives.
There will be a lot of painful, miserable episodes, burdens and misunderstandings.
Discussing mutual problems with one another will give them confidence to resolve
any obstacle that they will have to face. They must have the strong will-power
to reduce tension and develop the confidence to live together with better understanding
and tolerance.
Men and women need the comfort of each other when facing problems
and difficulties. The feeling of insecurity and unrest will disappear and life
will be more meaningful, happy and interesting if there is someone who is willing
to share the other's burden.
Marital problems prompted a cynic to say that
there can only be a peaceful married life if the marriage is between a blind wife
and deaf husband, for the blind wife cannot see the faults of the husband and
a deaf husband cannot hear the nagging of his wife.
LIVING TOGETHER OUTSIDE
MARRIAGE
Living together before getting married, or cohabiting as it is more
commonly known, is a cosy option among young people in the West, and is progressively
catching on in .many Asian countries. It is said that about half of the couples
in the United States and Britain would have lived together before marriage. One
can learn about it in the movies and in the papers. In the conservative East,
on the other hand, living together before marriage is still very much a taboo.
The mere mention of the subject is enough to be frowned upon particularly by the
elders. We must add however that as the world is shrinking so fast many of these
values are being adopted in the East as well, especially in urban areas.
In
the United States, where living together out of wedlock is becoming increasingly
acceptable, one out of three marriages results in divorce.
Tragic cases do
occur in situations where couples live together out of wedlock, for example when
the female partner gets pregnant and the male partner later disclaims responsibility.
This often leads to the problem of unwed mothers.
PROBLEMS OF UNWED MOTHERS
Media
reports of unwed mothers abandoning or discarding their babies at rubbish dumps,
bushes or into toilets, drains and streams are just too dreadful for any caring,
right-thinking member of society to condone. With such reports appearing almost
every other day, the public is alarmed, saddened and have called for remedial
measures to check the growing problem which has reached alarming proportions.
Some
abandoned babies survive only because they are found in time by garbage collectors,
residents or passers-by, although they had been exposed to such dangers as stray
dogs, rats, ants and the elements of cold/heat. One wonders how these mothers
can abandon their babies, as even animals are known to be fiercely protective
of their offspring. It has to be remembered that not all babies born out of wedlock
are from young girls. Adult women too are guilty of this terrible practice.
Parents
should try to understand their children. They should ensure that their children
will turn to them whenever they have a problem.
People who abandon their babies
need help. They need counselling. We should not simply blame the West every time
some problems crop up here. No doubt our youngsters are getting more and more
westernised in their thinking, outlook, lifestyle and actions. Here is where the
role of parents comes in.
Some parents are too busy working that they unintentionally
neglect their children. Hence, parents should spend more time to instil discipline
and educate their children on what is wrong and right.
We need a humane approach
in dealing with the problem of unwed mothers which could start with the family
where parents and children do not communicate well. When it happens to a daughter,
she is afraid of being penalised, of not being accepted by the family and society
as well as the social stigma attached to her; and she has nobody to turn to for
advice or help. She is already paying for her mistake by shouldering the burden
alone. Her parents also do not accept her and society condemns her and as a result
she becomes desperate.
To overcome this problem, family development efforts
must be stepped up where couples will be trained to be better parents, and young
people will be responsible for themselves through programmes on sex education.
Religious bodies and religious counsellors can greatly assist the government to
fight this terrible social desease.
SEXUAL EXPLOITATION OF CHILDREN AND CHILD
LABOR
Child prostitution is one of the fastest growing businesses in many countries.
Tour agencies and affluent travellers have brought about this state of affairs
to a large extent.
Sex has become a multi-billion-dollar industry and today
children are being bought, sold and traded like any other mass product,' deplores
Aaron Sachs, a staff researcher at the Washington - based World Institute.
'At
10, you are a woman. At 20, you are an old woman. And at 30, you are dead.' Thus
goes a popular saying in certain countries.
In the ever expanding sex market,
child prostitutes are among the hottest commodities. This is particularly true
in Asia, the centre of the child sex industry. The Progress of Nations 1995 report
of the United Nations Children's Fund (UNICEF) lists Thailand as the third country
with the most number of child prostitutes. About 100,000 children are selling
sex in this country. The record holder is India with 400,000 to 500,000 children.
The United States is second with 300,000. The Philippines is fourth with 60,000.
The
number of under 18s involved in prostitution probably exceeds two million,' the
report says. 'Best estimates suggest a figure of one million for Asia alone, and
300,000 for the United States.'
Although most of the child prostitutes are
girls, in many parts of the world even boys are used for sex.
Rich tourists,
according to an official of the non-government watch group ECPAT (End Child Prostitution
in Asian Tourism), 'have realised that human life is cheaper in the Third World.'
Why
has child prostitution become popular in recent years? One possible reason is
the fear of being infected by HIV, the virus that causes the dreaded Acquired
Immuno-deficiency Syndrome (AIDS).
Sex tourists think children are AIDS-free.
'With the growing fear of HIV infection, many people are always on the search
for younger and younger victims, and the demand unfortunately has been met by
the 'ever-eager middleman,' observes Ramesh Shrestha, a UNICEF official based
in Hanoi, Vietnam.
Experts cite poverty as the reason children are forced into
the sex trade. 'Children are attracted to prostitution because it pays better
than odd jobs,' Philippine Senator Ernesto F. Herrera said in his recent privilege
speech. Children of the streets of Rio, Nairobi, Manila and Bombay often get involved
in prostitution in order to survive and not by choice, a world congress against
sexual exploitation of children observed. The congress has cast a harsh light
on the conditions of poor children around the world, being forced out in life
to find work without any schooling.
In some other countries, street children
are among the first to be recruited into prostitution and often kept in brothels.
Others drift into prostitution on a more casual basis and not as part of any network.
With no family they simply have to find a way to survive. Social dislocation push
these children into a means of earning a living, which they know is dishonourable
but provides a more comfortable compensation.
In Latin America, street children
come from among the poorest families, often from violent areas, frequently thrown
out by the family, according to Per-Erik Astrom of the Swedish branch of the 'Save
the Children Fund'. He said: 'A child of 15 in Rio, if he has lived that long,
knows everything about survival, owns two younger sisters and has become a pimp
himself!'
A Chilean organisation, CERSO report: 'Mothers send their children
on to the streets to beg although they know the dangers that the girls may end
up as drug addicts and prostitutes.' For more than 10 years now, Ladawan Wongsriwong,
a two-time Member of Parliament from the northern Thailand province of Payco,
has been fighting against child prostitution, an industry estimated to be worth
US$1.5 billion (RM3.6 billion) annually.
Her crusade against this social ill
involves a four-pronged strategy that includes a campaign to make people understand
the causes, effects and ways to check the problem.
Although people generally
have more understanding of the problem, there are parents who still hang on to
the old idea that prostitution is indeed a good career fetching a high income
for their daughters. We are trying to change all that by also having training
workshops, meetings and seminars with parents as well as dissemination of information
through the mass media', says Ladawan, 40, who is from Thailand's opposition Democrat
Party and President of the Young Northern Women's Development Foundation.
Ladawan
says for the legislation to work effectively, it is imperative that all countries
come to an agreement and co-operate to consider women and child abuse as a criminal
offence because the child prostitution problem is not only the making of Thai
people alone, as foreigners have a part in it too.
The demand from European
tourists and those from other developed countries for young girls seems limitless.
According to the international children's advocacy group, Terre Des Hommes, each
year tens of thousands of sex tourists from Germany alone visit Thailand, with
about 10% of them engaging in sex with minors. It is a fact that young girls from
poor families, who are deprived of continuing their education at secondary level,
are being lured into prostitution.
It has been reported that a Swiss business
man sexually abused 1500 children in Sri Lanka within a period of eight years!
There
is a growing industry of commercial sexual exploitation of children for pornographic
purposes. Thailand has the highest record of child trafficking and juvenile pornography.
This accounts for the most profane type of paedophile material available in illicit
video collections containing scenes of homosexual paedophilic depravity.
The
recent discovery of a gruesome kidnapping and paedophilic ring in Belgium has
awakened public opinion and dramatically illustrated the fact that sexual exploitation
of children is not a problem only in Thailand, Brazil, Bangladesh, India and Sri
Lanka; it exists practically in every country including Europe. The World Congress
against commercial sexual exploitation of children has initiated co-operation
at local, national and international levels to combat the child sex problem. Considering
the level of international commitments, the World Congress has outlined priorities
for the prevention, protection, rehabilitation and reintegration of child victims
of sexual exploitation.
The term 'child labour' is defined as the employment
of boys and girls when they are too young to work for hire, or when they are employed
at jobs unsuitable or unsafe for children of their ages or under conditions injurious
to their welfare. The term has had different meanings at various times and in
-various communities, depending on society's concept of its responsibility for
its youth.
In Malaysia, the employment of children is governed by the provisions
of the Children and Young Persons (Employment) Act 1966, which state that a child,
or any person below 14 years of age, may not be employed except under certain
strict conditions, such as light work suitable for his or her capacity in any
undertaking carried out by the family. Under separate conditions, such as employment
in shops the child must not be less than 16 years old.
The Malaysian Labour
Department has intensified its enforcement activities in the light of increasing
complaints involving illegal child labour, especially during the school holidays.
The illegal employment of children stems primarily from the acute shortage of
labour in the country. The enforcement activities of the department have been
intensified nation-wide through scheduled inspections as well as surprise raids
both during the day and night.
Child experts at a regional meeting in Manila
said they needed not just more resources for children's welfare, but also greater
involvement of the media in conveying the plight of Asia's vulnerable children
to policymakers.
'Children who are poor, exploited or forced to work, remind
the world that economic growth has not given them the benefits of prosperity,'
said Pratima Kale, Regional Director of the United Nations Children's Fund (UNICEF)
for East Asia and the Pacific. 'The situations of inequity can and often do lead
to anger, frustration and violence if their basic needs are not met; if their
basic rights are not fulfilled; and if they do not see any hope for the future,'
she said at the start of the Asian Summit on Child Rights and Media.
SEX DEVIATIONS
Sex
deviations, sometimes called sexual aberrations, have concerned mankind almost
from earliest recorded history. It is customary to refer to persons exhibiting
what we could call sexual deviations, or departures from what modern society agrees
to be normal, as sex perverts. Thus many persons, otherwise well informed in their
own minds, have categorised and speak of them casually as perverts, sexual psychopaths,
sex neurotics and so on, often without understanding very clearly the condition
to which they refer. Our social customs seem to compel society to look upon a
sex deviant as one bringing disgrace to his family.
Sex deviations such as
homosexuality, bisexuality, transvestism have long been taboo subjects rarely
brought up in polite conversation by respectable society. Strange as it may seem,
teenagers today however are far more well-informed and open minded in their views
on this subject.
More often than not, one associates the word 'homosexual'
with effeminate men or men in drag. This is the stereotypical image of homosexuality
that, like most stereotypes, conveniently obscures its complexity.
The word
'homosexuality' applies to people who are sexually and emotionally attracted to
others of the same sex. Both men and women can be called 'homosexual' or 'gay',
but these are only umbrella terms under which lie many shades of distinctions.
Broadly
speaking, homosexuals comprise gay men, transvestites (both male and female),
trans-sexuals (female and male) and lesbians.
And to complicate things further,
there is a very fine distinction between the interchangable terms, 'transvestite'
and 'trans-sexual'. As most dictionaries explain it, a transvestite is a person
who dresses in the clothes of the opposite sex, often deriving gratification from
this practice.
On the other hand, a trans-sexual is (as commonly understood)
someone who has decided to live as a person of the opposite sex. Sometimes, a
trans-sexual's identification with the opposite sex is so strong that he or she
goes for a sex-change operation.
Some people who practise transvestism may
not be gay; they may just enjoy wearing the clothes of the opposite sex without
being sexually attracted to members of the same sex.
A gay is attracted to
men of his own kind- gays, and not 'straight' men. When asked why a normal looking
man would fall in love with another, he would say that there is nothing abnormal
about him. Most people however find it difficult to accept gays as normal people.
Transvestites
and trans-sexuals, on the other hand, consider themselves, and are considered
by the gay community, as women. They generally feel that they are women trapped
in male bodies. And as women, they are attracted to straight men, and not to gay
man.
The world is indeed very much a lonely and hostile place for transvestites
and trans-sexuals. It is difficult for them to have meaningful relationships as
very few straight men are willing to face the social stigma and emotional hassles
that come with having a transvertite partner.
What causes a person to be gay?
According to some researchers, sexual and emotional attraction for a partner of
the same sex may be a genetic trait, although social factors and upbringing are
also thought to play a role. Homosexuality is not a medical or psychiatric disorder,
although regarded as abnormal by many. Homosexuality was removed from the list
of mental disorders in the early 1970s when it was obvious that homosexuals are
as psychologically welladjusted as heterosexuals are. They have the same capacity
to function in society, to achieve goals, to have their needs met, and to develop
a sense of identity.
However, transvestism is considered a mental disorder,
as transvestites have the feeling of being trapped in a man's body, causing a
lot of inner turmoil, whereas gay men are totally comfortable with their maleness.
Although
homosexuals may have accepted their sexual orientation, society may not be ready
to accept them. They may be prepared to share their thoughts and feelings with
family members and close friends, but not so in public. A homosexual person may
go through several stages before coming to terms with himself or herself. They
probably can't do anything about their 'condition', and we should not contribute
to the prevailing social pressure that forces many of them to hide their true
selves in the closet. From the Buddhist point of view this kind of sexual act
can be regarded as sexual misconduct to those who try to renounce sensual pleasure
in order to lead a holy life. For others this can be regarded as sex abuse.
BREAST
FEEDING OF THE CHILD AND ITS ADVANTAGES
The modern attitude of working mothers
towards their children tend to erode the time honoured filial piety which children
are expected to maintain. The replacement of breast feeding by bottle feeding
is yet another cause. When mothers breast feed and cuddle babies in their arms,
the tender affection between mother and child becomes much greater. A breast feeding
mother, through her maternal instinct, often experiences a tremendous satisfaction
from knowing she is providing her baby, as nature had intended, with something
of her very own which no one else can give. The influence a mother has on the
child thus grows and becomes much more pronounced. Under such circumstances, filial
piety, family cohesion and obedience are invariably enhanced.
A variety of
arguments have been advanced to convince mothers that 'breast is best'. The reasons
include both physiological and psychological advantages for the infant and the
mother as well. The protein and other ingredients in human milk differ qualitatively
from the protein in cow's milk. Breast milk is sterile and is not subject to contamination.
Breast fed infants are more resistant to infections and communicable diseases.
They are also less susceptible to allergic reactions. It is also cheaper to breast
feed an infant than to purchase formula milk for bottle feeding. Breast feeding
offers a superior psychological intimacy that results in emotional and cognitive
advantages over other feeding methods. Breast-feeding also facilitates the development
of mother-infant relationships and bonding.
Breast feeding the new born is
more practical and less time-consuming than bottle feeding. There is no need for
bottle sterilisers and washing. The milk supply is ready whenever the baby needs
it. Babies who are breastfed have been found to cry less in the later months of
the first year compared with those who are bottle-fed. Remember, nothing is more
rewarding than the love between parent and child. Making time for your baby is
definitely worth it.
During the early days following birth, breastfeeding provides
the baby with the benefits of colostrum. Colostrum is the Pre-milk substance secreted
by the breasts until milk is produced, usually about the second or third postpartum
day. Colostrum is rich in all of the baby's essential needs.
Breast milk provides
all the nutrition and vitamins the baby needs for at least the first six months
after birth. Breast milk contains immunology factors that help prevent a host
of diseases and allergies. Except in extreme circumstances, as in the case of
mothers who suffer from AIDS and who can transmit the sickness to their babies,
there is no real substitute for mothers' milk.
Also, physical contact with
the mother evidently adds to the satisfaction of feeding. Authorities in various
fields of child development have insisted that the breast is the only satisfactory
way of feeding an infant. Breast feeding is recommended as many physicians believe
it offers an advantage to the baby, physiologically as well as emotionally, because
of the definite advantages that result from the mother's own satisfaction in nursing
her baby. The baby needs affectionate handling, plenty of time and a relaxed atmosphere,
just as much as the milk itself.
These traditional traits are for the good
and well-being of children. It is up to the parents, especially the mother to
provide them with love, care and affection as their rightful dues. The mother
is responsible for the child being good or wayward. The mother can thus reduce
juvenile delinquency!'
Those who lead their lives by going against nature,
must face the consequences either physically or mentally'.
BIRTH CONTROL
Planned
parenthood or voluntary parenthood under the Family Planning Programme refers
to the regulation of conception within the family and is often referred to as
birth control. Planned parenthood refers to the regulation and spacing of offspring
by legal and ethical means, depending on the health, economic condition and circumstances
of husband and wife.
One must take into consideration the fact that a controlled
birth rate is conducive to sane living. Rapidly increasing population is a dangerous
trend that creates problems in the wake of people marching towards sufficiency
and secure living.
In Asia, where generations of people continue to live in
sub-human conditions, it is appropriate to take advantages of Family Planning,
in so far as it does not come into conflict with communal problems. A country
that is able to support itself enjoys the greatest freedom.
There is no reason
for Buddhists to oppose birth control. They are at liberty to use any of the old
or modern methods to prevent conception. Those who object to birth control by
saying that it is against God's law to practise it, must realise that their concept
regarding this issue is not very reasonable. In birth control what is done is
to prevent the coming into being of an existence, and hence there is no killing
involved.
ABORTION
Although a person has the freedom to plan a family according
to his own conviction, abortion is however not justifiable. This action is wrong
because it involves the taking away or destroying of a visible or invisible life.
The
word abortion evokes images of desperate young women and back-street abortionists.
To many, the word also carries an illegal and criminal connotation. In the developed
West the issue has been politicised as well.
Abortion is defined as the expulsion
of a foetus from the uterus, brought about by accidental means or induction, before
it is capable of carrying on its own life. In medical terms, abortion is the termination
of pregnancy up to the 28th week of gestation. After this period, the foetus is
regarded medically as viable, and any subsequent expulsion of the unborn human
being may either be a live birth or a still birth.
In law, when abortion is
committed with malicious intent, it becomes a criminal offence and the party causing
it may be charged and punished. When an abortion results in the death of the woman,
the crime is designated as murder.
The abortion issue has always remained contentious,
but for women faced with an unwanted pregnancy, the matter is neither illegal
nor political. It is personal and one which has to be dealt with quickly, at whatever
cost. Under certain circumstances, such women in desperate situations may feel
compelled to resort to abortion. But they should not justify this act of abortion,
for somehow or other they will have to face the adverse consequences of committing
such a cruel act.
In this country, ending a pregnancy is permitted only when
it has been ascertained that the mother's physical or mental health is in danger.
The procedure is referred to as therapeutic abortion and it requires the certification
of two medical practitioners. Any other request for induced abortions would contravene
the law.
Religious principles should never be surrendered for the satisfaction
of humankind. Rather they should stand for the welfare of mankind as a whole.
DOMESTIC
VIOLENCE
The problem of domestic violence affecting families, particularly
in the lower income group, and in certain, cases even in affluent societies, has
reached alarming proportions. It has become necessary for the Government to legislate
action, resulting in the recent passing of the Domestic Violence Act by Parliament
in June 1996.
Evidence shows that a battered wife in many cases still loves
her husband despite all the abuses, which she puts down to his alcoholism, gambling,
womanising and constant financial problems. This is the reality of the problem
of domestic violence faced by a large number of women today. Many a battered wife
just endures it because she firmly believes that any retaliation on her part might
end in her losing custody of her children, and her right to inherit the matrimonial
home and to enjoy any form of financial security.
The public generally holds
the view that domestic violence is a matter that does not warrant any outside
intervention. For instance, neighbours will quickly come to a woman's aid if they
hear her scream that she is being burgled, but when she screams from her husband's
constant battery, others are reluctant to intervene as they consider it a personal
family matter. Until very recently this view was also held by the police. Under
the Domestic Violence Act however, police duties now include escorting the abused
spouse home to collect her belongings, if necessary. What abused wives ask for
is protection under the law, and not so much that their husbands be punished.
The
Act gives protection to the abused spouse without breaking up the family. Under
the Act one would be able to get a court order barring the abusive spouse from
the matrimonial home, providing maintenance to the abused spouse and children
as well as giving her custody of the children. The Act makes domestic violence
a punishable offence.
DIVORCE - ONLY AS A LAST RESORT
Divorce is a controversial
issue among the followers of different religions. Some people believe that marriage
is recorded in heaven and therefore human beings have no right to allow divorce.
But, if a husband and wife really cannot live together, instead of leading a miserable
life and generating more conflict, anger and hatred, they should have the liberty
to separate and live apart peacefully.
Separation or divorce is not prohibited
in Buddhism though the necessity would scarcely arise if the Buddha's injunctions
were strictly followed. Men and women must have the liberty to separate if they
really cannot agree with each other. Separation is preferred to suffering a miserable
family life for a long period of time.
Some may prefer legal separation which
is a kind of divorce except that the marriage exists in name for various reasons.
Factors
contributing to divorce vary. When the flame of love suddenly dies or when the
vow to 'love, honour and cherish each other for life' seems no longer possible
to maintain, divorce appears to be the best solution. Of course, there are other
factors too, ranging from extra-marital affairs, in-law problems as well as family
differences faced by working mothers related to the pursuit of a career. In this
connection, we are reminded of the Buddha's advice that old men should not marry
young wives as it can create incompatibility, jealousy and suspicion (Parabhava
Sutta).
Under the Law Reform (Marriage and Divorce) Act 1976, and with effect
from 1 March 1982, Marriage Tribunals have also been set up throughout Malaysia
with functions to resolve and to reconcile couples, other than those of the Muslim
faith, who have marital difficulties. (Couples of the Muslim faith are separately
governed by Syariah Law and come under the jurisdiction of the Syariah Court).
Marriage
Tribunals have been set up in every State, including the Federal Territory of
Kuala Lumpur. The Act makes it mandatory to refer a matrimonial difficulty to
the Marriage Tribunal set up under the Act before a divorce petition can be filed.
The
Act provides a time frame of six months to see if the couple can reach a settlement.
Every Tribunal has to meet the statutory requirement of three or four hearings
per case within the six-monthly period. If there are no signs of reconciliation,
the Tribunal will issue a certificate to that effect to the petitioner. It is
only after the certificate is issued that a petitioner can file a divorce petition
in the High Court through a lawyer.
Unfortunately, when parents get divorced,
their children become the innocent victims who suffer the worst consequences of
that failed marriage. Divorce is a social phenomenon and is something which affects
the children psychologically and could make them feel insecure. They have to cope
with innumerable problems of acceptance, adjustment and insecurity. Such young
children will need constant counselling and constant moral support and comfort
to ride out this very traumatic phase in their lives.
Divorced parents are
often portrayed as selfish hedonists interested only in their own happiness, and
not their children's.
Some may have to live with a stepparent when their parents
remarry and will have to make new living arrangements. Divorce is almost like
denying child the right to have a fulfilled life with both biological parents
under one roof. Because of their disturbed minds, these children could lose concentration
and as a result their performance in school could be affected. This will runaway
children and juvenile crime.
Very often when the divorce had been unpleasant
and having suffered physically at the hands of their angry parents, children grow
up being afraid of entering into marriage themselves in later life because they
view it as threatening their safety and holding little hope for happiness. They
have lost trust in their parents for breaking up the marriage and they also lack
trust in the opposite sex.
For some children, the emotional scars may heal
with time. But for others, they may remain. Divorce therefore affects not just
two people but many other innocent parties as well. There must be powerful reasons
before anyone seeks to resort to divorce.
Most children of divorced parents
would occasionally cherish and harbour the secret wish that they would get reconciled
and family life becomes normal again.
Utmost care must be taken to ensure that
separation is done in an atmosphere of goodwill and understanding by adopting
reasonable solutions and not by creating more hatred. In fact they should make
every effort to part amicably as friends. If a couple has children, they should
try to make the divorce less traumatic for them and help them to adjust to the
new situation. It is most important to ensure that their future and welfare will
be well taken care of. It is inhuman if the couple desert their children and allow
them to fend for themselves and lead a miserable life.
When a man for whatever
reason institutes divorce proceedings it is the woman who more often than not
will be the most hurt in the process. Her cherished dream of a happy married life
would be shattered, particularly so if the husband, involved in an extra-marital
affair, is seeking release from the marriage vows to be with the 'other woman.'
A woman facing impending divorce would often express her frustrated feelings which
is typical in such tragic cases: 'I was devastated. For me the world had come
to an end and I thought about dying to make him regret for not wanting me.
The
dilemma faced by many divorced women in Malaysia is the sad fact that she has
only the right to care for her child but has no authority as legal guardian. In
connection with this predicament, mothers who have custody of their children are
forced to appeal to their ex-husbands to exercise what should be their (the mothers')
right in the first place. What if the father does not co-operate by giving his
consent or if he cannot be traced? The unfortunate child, who may need a passport
to study abroad for example will be left in a quandary.
The only way a mother
will ever get to be the legal guardian of her child is when the father dies, is
declared insane or has a criminal record. Under the circumstances, lawyers generally
advise women to start applying for custody and guardianship as soon as they are
separated from their husbands, and not wait until divorce proceedings start, but
this is never an easy process.
DISCRIMINATION AGAINST WOMEN
The Buddha says
that if we are to understand anything, we must learn to 'see things as they are'.
It is after such analysis of women in relation to men, that He came to the conclusion
that there is no impediment in women to enable them to practise religion as men
do and attain the highest state in life, which is Arahanthood or Sainthood, the
highest level of mental purity. The Buddha had to face strong opposition in giving
full freedom to women to practise religion.
At the time of the Buddha, before
He emancipated women, the customs and traditions were such that the women were
considered as chattel, to be used by men at their pleasure. Manu, the ancient
lawgiver of India, had decreed that women were inferior to men. Women's position
in society was therefore very low, and it was restricted to the kitchen. They
were not even allowed to enter temples and to participate in religious activities
in any manner whatsoever.
As we have previously noted under the heading 'Birth
Control', discrimination against females begins even before the child is born
into this world! The widespread practice of female foeticide prevalent in many
parts of the world today testifies to this horrifying fact. Further on, under
the heading 'Women's Liberation Movement and its Effect on Family Life', the discrimination
against women in affluent societies, particularly those aspiring for top managerial
positions in the corporate sector, will be dealt with in detail
In developing
and underdeveloped countries however, the situation can only be described as being
far worse and more deplorable as the following accounts will reveal.
In India's
ritualistic, male dominated society, widowhood is a terrible fate for a woman.
There are numerous cases of widows (some still in their 20s) who were cast away
from their families and shunned by society after their husband died.
Among
superstitious families, a widow often is blamed by her in-laws for her husband's
death and is even ostracised. There are few options left for widows. Hindus frown
on remarriage for women, although there are no such barriers for men. Until modern
times, widows were expected to jump on to the funeral pyre of their husbands according
to a tradition known as sati. Although the practice was outlawed by the British
several decades ago, the last known case occurred as recently as 1996. Most women
in India have little to look forward to when they become widows.
One typical
tragic example could be cited of a widow who underwent child marriage which is
another custom prevalent in rural India. She laments: 'I was married off when
I was only five years old. My husband, whom I never saw, was 13 and he died one
month after the wedding. I am now a widow.'
According to the World Bank, 65%
of Indian women older than 60 are widows. That figure rises to 80% women older
than 70.
The All India Democratic Women's Association reports that in India
where a woman's identity is determined by her being an appendage to a male, widowhood
has much larger implications than just losing a husband.
The situation is no
better even in some other neighbouring countries. For a long time, families regarded
daughters as inferior to sons and treated them accordingly. A girl is generally
seen as suitable only for household chores. She lives through a series of social
practices which generate, breed and reinforce discrimination against her. She
becomes an economic burden and a moral liability. Yet, she is expected to raise
healthy, hardworking and educated children and be a good mother. Many little boys
grow up thinking their sisters are inferior having seen them treated less well
than themselves. These beliefs are reinforced by many members of the society,
including women themselves.
Perhaps the single biggest issue is the lack of
support and the restrictions girls face if they want to do something with their
lives beyond the traditional roles assigned to them as domestic help, baby-sitters
for younger siblings, cooks and cleaners. In effect, girls are under life-long
training to be good wives when they grow up.
As a 16 year old girl from Rawalpindi,
points out: 'Our society does not treat girls well. People here do not educate
their girls because to them girls are not theirs. Girls are seen as belonging
to their future in-laws' families and any investment in their future is futile.
They go to their husbands' homes at a young age, usually anywhere from 13. The
rest of their lives is spent looking after in-laws, and bearing and bringing up
children to prolong and strengthen their husband's family line'.
We need to
eradicate this type of thinking and make education compulsory and free so that
it does not become an issue' she says. 'Girls should also be able to have jobs,
working in places where no one disapproves and preferably with other girls so
parents can't object. I have always regretted that I was born a girl. Sometimes
when I was not allowed to do something I would go to my room, cry and pray to
God to make me a boy'.
The Girl Child Project in such countries is slowly changing
all this by developing a core of young girls to act as catalysts in creating local
awareness of the problems of girls and the discrimination they face.
The issue
of education crops up almost invariably. Many girls have had to fight for their
right to education. Some were helped in this fight by their untutored mothers
who believed that their own lives would have been better if they had had some
schooling.
In many societies a woman's place is in the home; a married woman
owes her first allegiance to her duties as wife and mother. There is no such thing
as 'women's lib'. Even in some progressive societies women are humiliated. For
example in public places, they are required not only to sit apart from the men,
but out of their view -- that is, behind them. When women are placed at the back
of a room or hall, it acts as a subtle indication that their expected role is
'behind' and not 'together with' that of the men.
Some people believe that
women are prone to evil. Therefore, it would be better to get them do more domestic
work so that they can forget their natural evil attitude.
WOMEN'S LIBERATION
MOVEMENT AND ITS EFFECT ON FAMILY LIFE
In the distant past men went out to
hunt for food for the family and the women remained at home to cook and take care
of the children and the home. Hence the origin of the popular phrase: 'A woman's
place is in the home'.
In the old days, women were quite content being home
makers. They did not go out to work or pursue a career. The stereotype of womanhood
-- a life that revolves around children and kitchen -- has eroded over the past
several decades, as more and more women have pursued careers. Rural society in
general however still promotes motherhood and not careerism. Society accepts quite
generally the fact that the single woman worker ordinarily supports herself and
she contributes largely to the support of aged parents and younger members of
the family. Most women seek employment because of economic needs and changing
attitudes about personal fulfilment.
However with the call for women's liberation,
many women seem to think that the solution is to compete with men outside the
home. Such women should consider very carefully whether they want to bear children,
or to pursue a career. It is irresponsible for a mother to bring a life into this
world and then leave it in the care of others without due consideration for its
welfare. You are responsible for what you create.
There has been a notable
increase of married women who are employed. Today, they have forged ahead as career
women, often playing a dual role of working woman and mother. Most working mothers
are torn between the guilt of leaving their children at home with servants and
the call of their careers.
With more and more women doing further studies,
the number of working mothers is increasing. Over the years, women have made substantial
advances in the professions and now occupy important top management positions
in government departments and in the private sector. The trend is most pronounced
in the urban areas. In the political field women have risen to top ministerial
positions, to the extent that they find themselves more in the limelight of public
life, whilst their husbands in the background, have to be content and remained
in the shadows of their wives.
Women executives climbing the corporate ladder
to top management positions however still face subtle form of sex discrimination.
The gender gap faced by aspiring women, particularly professionals, is most pronounced
at the top of the corporate ladder.
Boardroom decisions usually end up with
the remark: 'We are reluctant to groom them for leadership jobs because our investment
is lost if they leave to become mothers.'
Gender discrimination at the executive
level however is not easy to prove; hence the term 'glass ceiling' has been coined
to describe the invisible but rigid barrier that blocks women's path to the upper
echelons of corporate power. Although some people categorically deny the existence
of such a barrier, women's routes to the top are blocked by this so called 'glass
ceiling . Hence to reach the top a woman has to make a choice between career and
family. Some conscientious working mothers, with domestic helpers to look after
the babies, have come to realise they could never leave their babies at the mercy
of strange women; so however much they enjoy their office work they decide to
give up their careers. It is indeed sad that some women on the other hand have
chosen to pursue their careers at the expense of their families.
A child has
a right to be satisfied materially, but more importantly spiritually and psychologically.
The provision of material comfort is secondary when compared to the provision
of parental love and attention. We know of many people from poor homes who in
spite of their meagre income have brought up children well with penty of love.
Conversely,
many rich people have provided every material comfort for their children, but
being deprived of parental love, these children have grown up to become psychologically
and morally handicapped.
Some women may feel that advising them to concentrate
on the upbringing of the family is below their dignity or something degrading
and reflects the thinking of the old and the conservative. It is true that in
the past, women have been treated very badly, but this was due more to ignorance
on the part of men rather than to an inherent weakness in women. The Sanskrit
word for a housewife is Gruhini which literally means 'leader of the house.' Certainly
it does not imply that a woman is inferior. Rather it means a division of responsibility
for the male and the female.
Women have been struggling for ages to gain equality
with men in the field of education, the professions, politics and other avenues.
They are now at par with men to a great extent. The male generally tends to be
aggressive by nature and the female more emotional. In the domestic scene, particularly
in the East, the male is more dominant as head of the family whilst the female
tends to remain as a passive partner. Please remember, 'passive' here does not
mean 'weak'. Rather it is a positive quality of'modesty' and 'gentleness'. If
man and woman maintain their masculine and feminine qualities inherited from nature
and recognise their respective strengths and status, then such an attitude can
contribute towards a congenial and mutual understanding between the sexes.
In
this connection, Gandhi's remarks are very relevant: 'I believe in the proper
education of woman. But I do believe that woman will not make her contribution
to the world by mimicking or running a race with man. She can run the race, but
she will not rise to the great heights she is capable of by mimicking man'. Here
we can look at the wisdom of the ancient Chinese when they created the YIN and
YANG symbol. The curved line which divides the dark and light segments show that
opposites need not take confrontational stances. When one dominates the other
recedes. When one side recedes the other dominates, and so both remain equal.
Womem has to be the complement of man.
In certain countries, many husbands
hand over their pay packets to their wives who handle domestic affairs. This leaves
the man free to concentrate on what he can do best for the family. Since each
partner knows clearly what his or her responsibilities are, there is no conflict
between them. The atmosphere at home is thus happy and peaceful where their children
can grow up well.
Of course, the husband must see to it that his partner is
well cared for, that she is consulted on every family decision, that there is
enough freedom for her to develop her own personality and that she has her own
free time to pursue her personal interests. In this sense, husband and wife are
both equally responsible for the welfare of their family. They should not be in
competition with each other.
A mother should consider carefully whether she
should continue as a working mother with all the attendant pitfalls or to be a
housewife giving all her undivided attention, due affection and care to her growing
children. Strangely, some modern mothers, particularly in certain countries with
military regimes facing a shortage of manpower, are being trained to handle guns
or other deadly weapons when they should be cuddling their children and training
them to be good or law-abiding citizens.
In certain countries female soldiers
often carry arms, though usually for self defence, and they are no longer restricted
to the rear echelon. In the air, women now fly combat aircraft and attack helicopters,
not just being drivers of military transports, but at home they still display
their gentleness and caring natures especially with to children.
CHILDREN AND
SEX EDUCATION
Teaching children the facts of sex and sexual development needs
to be done with care, sensitivity and in a holistic manner. Coping with changes
in sexual development is an issue every child must face, and the challenge is
even more critical for children during their early formative years. Educators
and parents must therefore regard sexuality as part of human drives and needs
that must be correctly channelled.
The necessity for giving correct information
about sexual development to children is of paramount importance. Children nowadays
are exposed to knowledge about sex through the mass media (often with gory details),
books, through the Internet and also from their peers, and if they are not taught
to differentiate between what is appropriate and what is not, they might end up
exhibiting inappropriate behaviour. No parents will ever want their children to
obtain information on sexual development from the gutter.
Parents can impart
knowledge of sex to their children but such information needs to be tailored to
the child's level of understanding -- in this case, the mental age, which may
not correspond to the child's chronological age. Children are very innocent and
can easily be victims of sexual abuse in the hands of unscrupulous adults. The
child may not even realize that he is being used as an object to gratify the deviant
sexual needs of adults.
One important area is the need to inform children as
to what constitutes 'appropriate and inappropriate touching'. The importance of
giving such awareness to children is stressed on parents. The child needs to know
who is allowed to touch him or her and when, and where; what a doctor can touch,
situations the child should avoid, and how best to stop inappropriate conduct
in the classroom.
Parents themselves need to be aware that inappropriate touching
could also happen between relatives. For instance, parents usually tell their
children to 'beware of strangers', yet studies have shown that in child sexual
abuse cases, the majority of abusers are in fact known to the child, or are members
of the child's own family.
As with other children in society, children require
open lines of communication with their parents. This would include openness in
discussing issues connected with sex. If any untoward physical contact has occurred
they should be comfortable in telling their parents about it, instead of being
too ashamed or too afraid to reveal details.
Sex education is important because
one cannot expect teenagers to follow rules blindly without knowing why they must
follow them. One of the subjects they should be educated about is why they should
abstain from sex until after marriage.Many people oppose sex education for children
because they think that 'once you tell them about it, they will go out and abuse
it.' It is significant to note that in Switzerland, sex education is taught in
kindergartens and that country has the lowest number of teenage pregnancies in
the world. What is vitally important is that children be taught responsible sexual
behaviour from the time they are ready for such instruction. A sound sexual education
will save the child untold stress from guilt, fear, remorse and retribution in
the future.
CRIME NURSERY
The most fertile grounds for nurturing crimes
are families. In spite of all the measures taken to decrease crime rates, violent
crimes are increasing in many families in modern, technologically advanced societies.
Most of them learn to become criminals from the way they are being brought up.
In
some countries, while adult crime rates have fallen somewhat, crimes committed
by youths continue to rise. We learn from the mass media that many children take
guns to their schools. Sometimes we hear that very young children even below the
age of five, have shot their siblings or parents. Usually crimes among youths
are related to drugs and alcohol, which are easily available to them in some homes.
Criminals are not born, but made by misguided and inconsiderate families and by
the environment in which they live.
It has become a 20th century fashion among
many people to live together without getting married. In some cases, children
born into such circumstances suffer from neglect. Quite often these children end
up under the care and guidance of one parent, usually the mother. The parent who
is more irresponsible leaves the children under the care of the other partner.
Women, since they often experience discrimination, have to work twice as hard
as their male counterparts to provide for themselves and their children. The modern
global economy is such that women are more disadvantaged than even underprivileged
men. As the entire social structure has taken a completely different route from
that of the traditional one, support for the family is also almost non-existent
in many countries. Women often suffer more as a result and their difficulties
are reflected in families they try to raise.
Children brought up by single
parents often don't receive enough parental love and care. Psychologically-troubled
parents cannot give very sound emotional fulfillment to their children. These
children's baby-sitters sometimes are TV sets or other people who have been brought
up the same way as those whom they baby sit. Many a time, baby sitters are young
girls who need money for their own drugs or alcohol. They do not have any training
in taking care of babies. While baby-sitting, they themselves. may be smoking
or taking illegal drugs. Under such circumstances, children do not receive enough
necessary care, guidance, love and, most important, basic education.
No baby
sitter can give the same love and care as mothers do. Children can never relate
to baby sitters as they do to their own parents.
When they grow up, such children
may start their own careless and misguided way of life. They don't receive proper
religious education. Nor do they know how to explore religions on their own. To
make things worse for them, TV violence become their role model. Many movie producers
and writers are writing books promoting violence primarily so they can make a
few quick dollars. Children who grow up without proper guidance lay their hands
on these books and try to imitate what they watch on TV and what they read in
books.
Many parents are also not very careful about their guns and alcohol.
Some parents drink and smoke in front of their children. When they lose their
sense of responsibility under the influence of alcohol, their senses are so dulled
that they do not remember to put away their bottles, cigarettes and guns in appropriate
places or to hide them away from children. They also unmindfully and carelessly
keep their loaded guns accessible to children. Children are inadvertently encouraged
to satisfy their natural curiosity by using guns, alcohol, drugs and cigarettes.
Some
parents, who themselves come from broken families may be without enough education
in morality and ethics to restrain their senses and so misbehave in front of their
children. Some parents, grandparents, uncles, and brothers even sexually abuse
young children. Sexually abused children grow up with unforgiving hatred towards
their abusers. Sometimes they themselves can turn to similar crimes when they
grow up.
Society often makes matters worse for troubled families and their
children. Gun producers are very glad to see more and more people using guns to
increase their income. Drug users make greater profits by using small children,
mostly from broken families, for distributing and using drugs. Children who make
money by selling drugs do everything to encourage their peers to use and deal
in drugs. When their parents are not at home it may be even more of a thrill to
get hold of some drugs and alcohol from their own parents' unlocked repositories.
Divorce
has also become the norm of the day in many technologically advanced societies.
The ones who suffer most from divorce are children. In their young and tender
years, children need all the love and care possible from both parents. That is
the age they need proper guidance and good examples as models to follow. That
is the age when the mind absorbs everything quickly like a sponge. When their
parents are divorced or separated prior to divorce, children become devastated
and bewildered. Parents, who are struggling themselves to handle their emotions
and to put their own lives together, cannot guide children in the right direction,
nor can they pay all the necessary attention to children for their healthy growth.
If totally neglected by parents, children seek solutions to their problems from
friends, many of whom themselves come from broken families. None of them can truly
help each other.
Even in homes untroubled by divorce, children may not see
enough of their parents. Parents are extremely busy these days making money to
provide comfortable lives for themselves and their children. Quite often they
are not home because they have more than one job, to make more money. Some are
not home because they have to make numerous business-related trips out of town.
Some parents who may not be travelling are instead overly engaged in their work
at the office. Some are such workaholics they cannot spend a minute in their waking
life without doing something related to their jobs. Or, from very early in the
morning they commute to work and cannot return home until late in the evening,
bringing home some more work. They might go to bed very late in the evening and
continue to think of their next day's work. They are busy working every waking
moment of the day and busy thinking of their next day's work even while sleeping.
Asked
why they are so obsessed with work, such parents might say that they have to earn
and save to provide for their family. But since they always live in tension, they
are always grouchy and grumpy. Grumbling, they wake up in the morning, and grumbling,
they go to bed in the evening. Any tiny little thing can irritate them. They don't
have any time for themselves or their children. They believe that if they earn
more their children's future will be assured. But no matter how much they earn
it is not enough. And some parents who have more than they need do not have time
for their children because they spend more time with their friends than with their
families.
When children come home from school, they often do whatever they
like because there is nobody at home to supervise them. In some cases, parents
pick up their children from schools on their way home from work and yet don't
have time to listen to them. They like children to be seen but not to be heard.
Children are afraid to talk to their parents lest they might anger them for speaking
up about their problems. Children's problems may continue to grow, when they have
no time to discuss them with their parents. Their peers are not in a position
to give them meaningful advice.
Some parents look forward to having their children
grow up and leave home as soon as possible, so they can be free to do what they
wish to do. Sadly, their children may also look forward to growing up quickly
to be free from their parents. In extreme cases, some misguided, impatient children
even kill their parents to take possession of their property. Children wishing
to achieve their independence as quickly as possible become more selfish. We know
the problems. There is no close-loving relationship between parents and children.
But what are the solutions?
Of course, both parents and children can be independent
and still have a good relationship with one another. Relationships between parents
and children have been highly valued by the Buddha. To promote these good relationships,
the Buddha has advocated numerous measures. If parents fulfil their duties and
responsibilities towards children and if children fulfil their responsibility
toward parents, more harmonious and peaceful families can result.
People who
equate money with happiness are often at the root of violent crimes. Almost all
crimes are committed by people who have not been educated in moral and ethical
values. If you invest all your interest, all your energy and time in making money
or in sensual pleasure at the cost of your children's future, how can you expect
your children to learn the distinction between good and evil? Or if you teach
your children to hate your neighbor because the neighbor is different from you
and your values, how can you expect your children to respect anybody?
Or if
you teach your children to hate others who follow a religion different from yours,
how can you expect your children not to be violent? Or if you teach your children
to hate others for speaking a different language which you don't understand, how
can you expect them to reduce crimes in the society? There is a low number of
violent crimes in societies where there is a close family link between parents
and children, a close relationship between relatives and between families. In
societies where there is a free exchange of time, wealth, energy, knowledge, love
and care, violent crime diminishes.
Blessed are the parents and children who
have a loving relationship between them. Blessed is the home where there is friendship
and harmony. Parents should make some sacrifices to give all their love and care
to their children. Wise parents should invest their time, energy and money to
create a healthy home environment where they can bring up their children happily.
To take care of their children, some benevolent parents take turns working outside
the home. In some cases, it would be advisable for parents to change their work
schedules, if both must work to earn sufficient income to support their families.
Sometimes, either the father or the mother may decide to stay home to take care
of their children if one of them earns enough income to support the family.
Good
parents should realize they are role models for their children. To discipline
children, parents must be disciplined themselves. If parents are undisciplined,
they cannot expect any discipline from their children. When parents do try to
discipline their children, sometimes the children may rebel against them. They
might even say they hate their parents. Nevertheless, good parents should not
be afraid of children's comments such as these. When children grow up they will
realize their parents disciplined them for their own benefit.
Sometimes, children
may have an important topic, related to anxious feelings or learning problems
or peer-problems, and may wish to discuss them with their parents. Then, parents
must listen to them mindfully, patiently and compassionately. During the discussion,
if children use abusive language parents should reprimand them immediately then
allow them to continue the discussion. If they show emotion, parents should not
play a co-dependent role and also become emotional, but listen mindfully, hoping
to help them. In other words, when children are angry, parents should listen to
them mindfully and patiently without themselves getting angry, so they can be
effective in helping children.
Parents and children should have open and friendly
discussions regularly. Parents should admit their mistakes and apologize to children.
If parents shout, curse or throw their own temper tantrum, they should apologize
to children either immediately or later on and explain the reason why they behaved
that way. They should determine not to repeat that kind of behaviour in front
of children. Children also should be encouraged to admit their mistakes and apologize
to parents. Parents should appreciate the good things children do and acknowledge
any improvement they have made. Reward and punishment works with everybody.
If
there are several children in a family, parents should be equally fair to all
of them. In dealing with family problems, parents always should exercise caution
to do justice to all of the children. If they should praise one child more than
others in front of everybody, their siblings may become jealous of the one that
was praised. When parents are full of loving-kindness and compassion, solving
any family problem is easy.
Parents should treat children with honour and dignity,
as wonderful human beings who are going to take the world's responsibility into
their hands one day.
Whenever children do something good, parents should not
forget to appreciate and reward them, at least in words. When children do something
unethical, immoral and harmful, parents should immediately reprimand them and
talk to them directly. Parents should know when to reprimand them in private and
when to reprimand them at a family meeting, in front of everybody. Also, neither
the father nor mother should criticize each other in front of children. They should
have their own private meeting to discuss problems.
Parents should choose the
right words, right attitude, right moment and right place to tell the right things
to children. In every situation parents should make sure that they really and
sincerely love their children. They must assure their children that they honestly
love them. If you humiliate children in front of everybody, children may do many
wrong things secretly. They will also learn to be hypocritical. Parents must be
very honest with children. If parents are dishonest, children lose respect for
them. You as parents cannot demand respect if you don't deserve it. You should
learn to earn it by your own behavior and attitude towards children. And don't
expect to be their teacher all the time. Children, too can be very good teachers
to parents.
'One of the best things parents can do to establish and maintain
a friendly and loving relationship with children is to spend some time practising
loving-kindness and meditation. They should make it a habit to encourage children
to join them a few minutes every day practising meditation. In many good Buddhist
families, parents and children spend a few minutes reciting some religious verses.
They have little home shrines where they gather every day at least for a few minutes.'
-- -Ven Dr. Henepola Gunaratana, USA.
JUVENILE DELINQUENCY
Any discussion
of juvenile delinquency raises two fundamental questions: (1) Who are the juveniles?
and (2) What constitutes delinquency? In answer to the first question, the most
common criterion employed is chronological age. The vast majority of the laws
dealing with juvenile delinquency throughout the world provide an age limit beyond
which special procedures and measures meant for juveniles are inapplicable. The
age limit applicable to juveniles in Malaysia will be dealt with later in subsequent
paragraphs.
The second question as to what constitutes delinquency is more
difficult to answer. The word delinquency is derived from the Latin deliquesce
meaning 'neglect', and it may be interpreted in broad terms as neglect on the
part of juveniles to conform to the accepted standards of behaviour in a given
society. An antisocial act is defined as a criminal offence constituting delinquency
when committed by a juvenile.
Some of us have a black sheep in the family or
in our midst. What is the cause? Research has disclosed a number of factors which
show how a young child may face the danger of falling into crime. The main reasons
for crimes are stated to be: (a) criminal history in the child's family; (b) unhappy
family back-ground arising from inconsistent behaviour by parents where harsh
and erratic discipline is mixed with generosity in the provision of material gifts;
(c) large family size; (d) a record of truancy, and (e) failure to do well at
school.
A juvenile delinquent probably comes from a bad home environment, has
no selfconfidence, no belief in his own identity and no experience of normal satisfaction.
The key to the solution will be the family. To what extent are parents responsible
for this state of affairs? The young persons who commit petty crimes could have
been neglected in childhood. They want possessions and money. But because they
do not know how to earn them they steal them. Those who commit violent crimes,
in addition to having been neglected, usually are treated cruelly in childhood.
They do not feel ashamed about going to prison. They have no sense of letting
anybody down and they have no desire for social approval.
Divorced parents
often create serious emotional problems for children. They are deprived of family
traditions which could have helped them to behave with correctness and decorum.
There
is no way to make children do anything once they become truly defiant. Punishment
and reward have their limitations. When do we start controlling or motivating
our children? Psychologists maintain that it is in the first couple of years of
life that the largest part of this process takes place during which period parental
love arouses the corresponding love in children.
This period is vital to guide
the child as he grows up to be a responsible or an anti-social person. In these
modern times many six to seven year old children are no longer the little darlings
we admired and caressed, but are often defiant little brats. Parents are largely
responsible for such behaviour. We should nurture habits of serious critical thought
in our children, teaching them to measure actions against consequences.
At
this stage of development of children, the school has an equal responsibility
with parents. Some children are afraid to go to school for fear of being bullied
or teased or of being too self-conscious of their appearance or worried about
doing badly in their school work or have fear of teachers. In the light of such
experiences, an attempt to make the lives of children from five to six years more
secure is appropriate.
Recent reports on juvenile delinquency released by the
Welfare Services Department show a sharp increase in the number of criminal cases
(300 per cent since 1962) committed by those below 18. This is indeed saddening,
seeing how much effort has gone into programmes and projects to propagate and
foster a caring society. Over 4000 juvenile delinquents were arrested in 1995,
compared to about a thousand less in the previous year.
Most of the youths
caught were those who had difficulties in school. Indiscipline among students
has reached an alarming stage. Teenage delinquency has been caused by the lack
of attention received at home, the presence of unhealthy elements in 'shady' video
game and amusement centres an mixing with bad company. The study had singled out
students living in squatter areas and low cost flats as the most vulnerable and
problematic.
Datuk Seri Dr. Mahathir Mohamad, the Prime Minister of Malaysia,
said that if the Government closed down certain centres where people encourage
young person to get into some immoral practices, they may do the same thing secretly.
Police
have also expressed concern over rising gangsterism and assault cases in schools.
Such criminal activities need to be curbed to prevent more pupils from getting
involved in serious crimes. Headmasters and teachers should counsel and advise
pupils against getting involved in criminal activities. The police should be called
in only if the problem is beyond their control.
Hisham Harun writes in The
New Straits Times dated March 5, 1997:
'Police statistics reveal that in 1994,
the number of arrests for crimes including drug addiction, rape, incest, house-break-ins
and car thefts stood at 4,192. Out of this, a total 1,839 males and 23 females
were Malay compared to 590 Chinese males and 18 females, and 421 Indian males
and 10 females
The following year, the number of Malay offenders in this age
group rose to 2,402 while the number of Chinese youths arrested totalled 922;
507 Indian youths were caught. Last year's figures were 2,890 Malays, 770 Chinese
(registering a drop) and 574 Indians, with Selangor, Iohor and Kedah posting the
highest crime rates among youths in the past three years. Malay youths made up
the bulk of offenders in all States.
National Unity and Social Development
Ministry statistics seem to support the police figures and show that of the 2,898
juvenile cases involving drug abuse and other social problems, 61 per cent of
the offenders were Malays, 17 per cent Chinese and 10 per cent Indians. In addition,
Malays make up at least 70 per cent of inmates at the Hendry Gurney School for
boys in Malacca'.
Sociologists and welfare officers point the finger at the
pressures of modern living, which inevitably lead to a collapse of strong community
and family bonds. Who then are the people who need counselling? It would appear
that the parents need it as well, not just the juvenile delinquents.
Datuk
Adul Kadir bin Jasin, Group editor of The New Straits Times stated in the Sunday
Times in Malaysia that elders are also to be blamed for the social ills in the
country.
Adolescence is often a time of conflicts - physically, emotionally
and psychologicaly. It has now been established that most juvenile delinquents
are school children. When school children display behaviour that merits concern,
the authorities should call up their parents and make them aware of what has been
observed about their children.
Such early 'warnings' could help parents take
some preventive or remedial measures before their children add to the statistics
of the country's criminal records. As such, the home and the schools have very
important roles to play in the prevention of juvenile deliquency. If parents pay
attention to the advice given by the Buddha as their duty towards their children,
many of the problems created by the children can be curbed.
RUNNING AWAY FROM
HOME
Running away from home is becoming a serious problem among our young people
which gives parents much cause for concern. A 'runaway' youth is one who leaves
home without permission with the intention of not returning. Young people run
away because they feel a situation is intolerable. They see running away as a
solution. But, in fact, it only takes them physically away from the problem. The
mental stress and the trauma remain.
A social psychologist who has studied
this modern day problem says running away 'is an irrational response to stress
and frustration'. Indeed, 'there is enough reason in the home and school environments
to prompt even the most mentally healthy person to consider flight as a way of
coping.'
When a child starts to think about running away, he asks himself many
questions. He bargains with himself a lot more than we adults think. Yet they
are willing to give up the known security of home, however limited, for the unknown
promises of a new environment. Why? It is because they are so desperate that they
perceive that any alternative is better compared to the suffering they undergo
at home. Running away is rarely well planned. It is a spontaneous, impulsive behaviour.
Some
parents rigidly select and restrict their children's friends. Such parents may
as a result encourage their children to think of running away - towards the promise
of greater freedom outside their home. Girls tend to run away to escape a closed
family and their parents' over-protectiveness; for example, having to make decisions
about boy friends. Boys on the other hand often run away because they have been
unsupervised for far too long. They have developed an impulsive and escapist behaviour,
having got used to an unstructured life-style.
Strain may also sometimes arise
from too little parenting. Parents preoccupied with work problems may be incapable
of correcting their child's behaviour. On the other hand running away is almost
always tied to excessive parental control and unrealistic parental expectations.
The
country's current strong economic growth has led to various social problems which
have affected the nation's youths.
With the advent of satellite television
and the information superhighway, our youths will be exposed to even more information
containing negative values which would lead to moral decay now haunting many youths
in developed countries. We must prepare ourselves for the challenges of a new
world ahead.
MORAL DECAY
Moral
decay is already evident in our midst judging from the number of social problems,
namely drug abuse, loitering, bohsia and lepak culture among youths, illicit sex
etc. From a study conducted by the Youth and Sports Ministry on 5,860 youths,
71% smoke, 40% watch pornographic videos, 28% gamble, 25% consume alcohol and
14% take drugs. Eleven juveniles from various detention centres throughout the
country have been identified as carriers of the Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV)
which causes AIDS. Ten of them are in fact below 20 years of age.
The authorities
are concerned about the juveniles being confirmed HIV carriers and are closely
monitoring the situation. Initial checks showed some of the juveniles were not
drug addicts but had been involved with them. The majority of the cases were discovered
through counselling and voluntary medical tests.
This unhealthy trend can only
be curbed with direct influence from parents. Parents should monitor the movements
of their children to ensure that they are not involved in any immoral or illegal
activities.
Without early monitoring and control, children can become easy
prey to unhealthy influences. If this is allowed to continue, the teenagers will
move on to more serious crimes. The emergence of various social problems must
be addressed urgently. Hence parents must strengthen the family institution to
withstand the demands of a changing society.
PUNISHMENT
In law, according
to our Penal Code, 'Nothing is an offence which is done by a child under 10 years
of age. Further, nothing is an offence which is done by a child above 10 years
of age and under 12, who had not attained sufficient maturity of understanding
to judge the nature and consequences of his conduct on that occasion.'
There
is a conclusive and absolute presumption in law that a child below 10 is incapable
of knowing right from wrong although in truth, the child could have done the forbidden
act with premeditated intention.
The second category of children, those between
10 and 12, are in a 'twilight zone' in which they are exempted from criminal responsibility
unless it is proven by the prosecutor that the child was of normal mental capacity
with a proven mischievous tendency.
Although a child under 10 is free to do
any crime and can escape punishment, he cannot totally escape all the consequences.
Although there is no punishment as such his future behaviour may be restricted.
The person who instigates a child to commit a crime will be charged as the principal
offender, the child being treated only as an innocent agent.
The Juvenile Court
is the pivot around which revolves the machinery for the treatment of juvenile
delinquents. The law relating to juveniles is embodied in the Juvenile Courts
Act 1947 and Children and Young Persons Act 1947. A juvenile is defined as a person
aged between 10 to below 18 years.
The Juvenile Court is not open to the public.
Although newspaper reporters may attend they cannot reveal particulars that may
identify the offender. If found guilty, the court does not use terms such as 'convict'
or 'sentence' in relation to the offender.
The court is presided over by a
first class magistrate who decides on guilt. He sits with two assessors, one of
whom should be a woman if possible, to assist him on deciding the 'sentence'.
Before deciding how to deal with a juvenile, the court considers the offender's
general conduct, home environment, school record and medical history.
The court
may admonish and discharge, grant a discharge upon the offender entering a bond
to be of good behaviour to comply with such orders as may be imposed, a committal
to the care of a relative or other
fit person, and order his parents or guardian
to execute a bond to exercise proper care and guardianship, a probation order,
an order of committal to an approved school or Henry Gurney School, for 'corrective'
education, an order to pay a fine, compensation or costs.
Imprisonment may
only be ordered if the offender is aged between 14 and 18 years. It is the last
resort provided the delinquent cannot be suitably dealt with in any other way
possible.
A child between 10 and 14 years cannot be ordered to be imprisoned
for any offence. Neither can it be committed to prison in default of payment of
a fine, damage or costs. Under Section 16 of the Juvenile Courts Act, a juvenile
cannot be sentenced to death. However the restriction is not applicable where
a juvenile is charged under Essential (Security Cases) Regulations 1975 which
expressly excludes the Juvenile Courts Act. The only situation where an ordinary
court may try a juvenile is when he is jointly charged with another adult or the
offence carries the death penalty. Possibly, in such cases, the juvenile may be
pardoned and committed to the Henry Gurney School.
Where a child below 10 years
is intolerably mischievous or even otherwise needs care and protection being beyond
the control of anyone, the Juvenile Court makes an order vesting the custody and
protection of the child to an approved institution.
One of the most frequent
measures of treatment applied by juvenile courts is probation. A juvenile delinquent
is placed under the supervision of a probation offlcer whose duties are to befriend
and assist him with a view to his rehabilitation. Probation is essentially social
case work because it is the task of the probation officer to find regular employment
for his charge and assist in his family problems whenever necessary.
The spirit
behind the law relating to youngsters is that they should be treated differently
from adults, that is, with compassion and understanding so that they are shown
the correct path from which they strayed through no fault of their own.
The
advice that could be given to families with young children is to spend quality
time with them, to listen to what is going on, and what the child may be really
trying to tell.
"BOSHIA" AND "LEPAK" - CULTURE AMONG YOUTHS
"Bohsia"
and "Lepak" Culture among Youths With rapid industrialisation of the
country many youths from the rural areas flock to larger cities in search of employment
in factories. Girls from the rural areas in particular come in large numbers to
be employed mostly in electronic factories. The lure of a care-free life in the
city with their many shopping complexes, supermarkets and bright lights attract
many rural youths who generally spend their leisure hours after work indulging
in 'window shopping' or merely loitering around in groups in such places. Money
is uppermost in their minds - some extra cash with which they could enjoy a better
quality of fashionable life in the city.
This kind of lifestyle among youths
in the course of time gave rise to the popular use of the terms bohsia and lepak
(Bahasa Malaysia). The word bohsia originates from Chinese Hokkien meaning 'voiceless'.
How the term originated and came to be associated with loafing youths in large
cities is however obscure. Its Bahasa Malaysia equivalent is lepak.
With a
large proportion of these teenage youths being away from the social controls of
normal rural family life, it was indeed not surprising to find some of them indulging
in unwholesome activities in large cities and becoming involved in a way of life
which would not normally be tolerated back in their own rural home towns. Inevitably
a decline in ethics set in due to the absence of the sanctions of parents and
society back in their own villages.
A stage was reached when female teenagers
in small groups would place themselves as 'pick-ups' at strategic locations in
shopping complexes, public buildings or street corners, only to be 'picked-up'
by local youths. The girls are so naive they became easy prey to those roving
romeos in super motorcycles.
One could in fact approach and strike up a casual
acquaintance with any factory girl seen loitering in the vicinity of shopping
complexes and the chances are that she would readily accept an invitation from
such an acquaintance for a drink or snack at a restaurant and later adjourn for
a walk or to a disco or any place mutually agreed upon.
Later on however, the
female teenagers, having grown wiser to the scheme of things, elevate themselves
to solicit acquaintance with affluent older men who would prowl around in expensive
cars looking for tpick-ups' to keep them company. These men in high society would
generally be lavish in entertaining the girls. The situation in the course of
time however got out of hand when cases of khalwat (close proximity) were apprehended
by the police, who also received complaints lodged by wives against their husbands
involved in vice activities. With continued action and surveillance by the police,
the bohsia and lepak problems, which at one time had occupied news headlines to
a large extent, gradually faded away.
To fill the void that ensued, unscrupulous
business operators took the opportunity of raking in money by opening up karaoke
lounges and video arcades thereby providing ideal rendezvous facilities with subdued
lighting and popular music for 'boy-meets-girl' situations. Despite government
regulations, karaoke and video arcades still allow children under 18 years of
age to patronise their premises and their operating hours extend up to 3.00 am
or 4.00 am. Both sexes mingle freely in the dimly-lit premises and their behaviour
leaves much to be desired.
Karaoke centres employ attractive young ladies as
'guest relation officers' as a front to seduce youths to indulge themselves in
shows where they are encouraged to spend excessive amounts of money. In video-clip
shows scantily dressed men and women move around lewdly to erotic music. One could
imagine how much adverse influence it could have on a young mind. Teaching moral
values in school alone will not create a healthy society. Parents too have to
weed out negative elements, and the media needs also to play a positive role in
this regard. Society has to nip the festering problem in the bud by disallowing
the young mind to be poisoned by such lewd video shows.
There is a move by
the Government to clamp down on karaoke lounges and video arcade centres as this
will help to curb social ills prevalent among youths. Many such centres operate
under disguise as their main activities are gambling and drug peddling. Their
activities are highly computerised and, using remote control, they can quickly
re-set the games when raids are carried out on the premises. This has made it
difficult for the police to take action against them unless they go undercover.
The Police are aware of criminal activities taking place in video, amusement and
karaoke outlets.
We want to strengthen family ties and promote healthy family
values. We do not want our youths to spend their leisure time and money in karaoke
and video outlets as this could lead them astray. By closing video and karaoke
outlets youths would be less likely to waste their time and this would encourage
them to engage in wholesome activities or stay at home with their families.
In
the Sigalovada Sutta the Buddha has given advice to youths not to mingle during
unusual times in the streets and certain places where people can influence young
people into immoral practices.
THE PROBLEM OF DRUG ABUSE.
During the early
1960s, the 'hippie'subculture swept the West making a deep impact on human civilization.
A typical 'hippie' was seen as a young unkempt person wearing gaudy coloured casual
clothes and long hair, advocating freedom of thought and expression, and rejecting
many of the conservative standards and values of society. Smoking cannabis (ganja)
was their favourite form of drug abuse. Our local youths copied this lifestyle
to a certain extent. Although with hindsight we can say that the hippie movement
did have some positive effects, its permissiveness paved the way for the greatest
scourge mankind has ever known: drug abuse.
When drugs are abused, the results
can be devastating -- for the abuser, for those who care about him or her, and
for society at large. Dependence on commonly abused drugs has become one of the
leading public health problems. The escalating drug toll is quite unacceptable,
in terms of wasted lives, destabilised families, and rising crime rates, quite
apart from the high costs of funding research programmes, rehabilitation centres
and specialised law-enforcement agencies. The severe harm addiction causes the
human body and the difficulty of overcoming the problem are beyond doubt.
Repeated
use of drugs can cause the user to become dependent on them. Physical dependence
on a drug like heroin for example, is characterised by increasing tolerance to
the drug - that is, the user has to take ever larger -doses in order to achieve
the same degree of drug - induced euphoria, or 'high'. And this of course makes
the withdrawal symptoms, (the often severe physical reactions the user may experience
when denied the drug) much worse. Traditionally, drug addiction has been defined
as physical dependence. Today the term drug addiction usually refers to a behavioural
pattern marked by compulsive use of a drug and a preoccupation with getting it.
Drug
abuse has been rated as one of the world's greatest enemies. Society has ascribed
the cause of this scourge to the moral degradation of our youths who have strayed
from their normal family home environment to be enticed by influences outside
the home. Many use drugs as a means to escape from unhappy home situations. Parents
who are too busy to attend to the social and spiritual needs of their adolescent
children often neglect them to the extent of driving them to seek solace in drug
addiction. The lack of proper parental guidance and supervision and the low regard
for values of life, such as morality and spirituality has to a large extent contributed
to this negative state of affairs. Many addicts began with no intention whatsoever
of becoming addicted but they were sadly mistaken when they became enslaved to
the habit.
It is significant to note that drug trafficking has even surpassed
international oil trading as a money spinner and is second only to the arms trade.
The lucrative trade in drugs has made its distribution widespread and caused serious
socio-economic problems in both developed and developing nations. Drug traffickers
are in fact known to be using complex corporate structures and dealing in intricate
business transactions involving banks, trust companies, financial institutions
and real estate firms.
Drug abusers invariably progress on to hard drugs and
'mainliners' live under the perpetual threat of an overdose. The common habit
of sharing needles to 'fix' or inject drugs into one's body system by hard-core
'mainliners' is one of the principal causes of the spread of AIDS now threatening
the country, which will be discussed in detail in the next section.
The Government
is currently spending millions of dollars on various drug rehabilitation programmes
as the ever growing problem of drug abuse by our youths is increasing to alarming
proportions.
It is significant to note that infants born to heroin-addicted
mothers also become addicts. Because the mother's heroin intoxication can penetrate
the placenta barrier (the buffer between her bloodstream and that of the foetus)
and pass directly on to the unborn child, doctors try to find out beforehand if
a mother is on heroin (many would not admit it) so that the child can be treated
and handled as an addict from the moment it is born. If a doctor is unaware of
the mother's addiction problem, the new born baby may go into an immediate and
life-threatening withdrawal state. This can include breathing problems, convulsions
and trembling.
According to reports a vast majority (98.8 %) of addicts are
men, with more than 80 % of them aged between 20 and 39 years. More than 41 %
of addicts caught the habit because of peer pressure, 36.8 % were seeking pleasure
on their own initiative while 15.6 % took drugs out of curiosity. Others became
addicted to overcome mental stress (4.6 %), as a result of medical treatment (1%),
by accident (0.4 %) and 0.1% as a sexual stimulant.
How can parents tell if
their children in the adolescent age group (12 to 21 years) are on drugs? Millions
of parents are quite rightly concerned about this problem and worry about the
appeal of drugs to youngsters. What they are obviously concerned about is illicit
drug use. Your suspicions that one of your children is involved in drug-taking
may be aroused by an unexpected change in his or her behaviour patterns. He or
she may appear confused, have slurred speech, become aggressive, paranoid or depressed,
suffer weight loss, display red eyes, drowsiness, reveal declining performance
at school etc. If faced with irrefutable evidence, it is best not to over dramatise
the situation but to get the help of trained counsellors who will best know how
to handle the situation. The worst action would be to deny that the problem exists.
One
of the best ways to help your child avoid drugs is to set a responsible pattern
at home - do not abuse potentially addictive products, such as alcohol or tobacco,
yourself. If you find that your child is involved, do not confront him while he
is affected. Instead approach him later and try to discuss the problem and any
underlying adolescent difficulties that may relate to it.
There are two major
aims to bear in mind: to keep on good terms with the child, who will often be
the only person able to tell you what is going on, and to establish some firm
facts about the drug used - whether smoked, swallowed, injected or inhaled, also
how long and how often it has been taken. You should then consult-your family
doctor, who will advise you on the most sensible policy to adopt. If the situation
is serious your doctor may refer you to a rehabilitation centre or to a hospital.
THE
SPREAD OF AIDS
AIDS ( Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome ) is now the most
deadly of all sexually transmitted diseases. AIDS is caused by the human immunodeficiency
virus (HIV), which attacks and weakens the body's immune system so that it can
no longer fight off infections normally controlled with ease. A person with AIDS
is not likely to survive,
although it is not the actual AIDS virus which kills
him. The cause of death may be any of the wide variety of organisms that can enter
the body and, finding little resistance, multiply wildly. The victim is thus subject
to a variety of rare illnesses normally found only in a relatively mild form if
they do occur, in people with a normal immune system.
People who have AIDS
die from a secondary disease. The two illnesses most commonly identified in AIDS
patients are pneumonia and a rare form of skin cancer, as a result of the breakdown
of the body's immune system.
Once the virus enters the body, it is targeted
to attack the immune system of the human body. The AIDS virus is carried in the
body fluids, particularly blood and semen, of people who suffer the disease. Persons
so infected can transfer the virus to their sexual partners or spread it by contaminated
blood during transfusions. An AIDS infected mother can transmit the deadly virus
to her child, during or shortly after birth.
The AIDS virus also circulates
in the blood of its victims. This is almost certainly why intravenous drug users
and haemophiliacs are in the higher-risk group. Intravenous drug users often share
needles, and a needle used by an AIDS carrier can transmit the needle used to
anyone who uses the same needle. Since many people donate blood to blood banks,
it is possible that AIDS contaminated blood might be given to a haemophiliac,
and indeed some people have been infected by this way. It is almost impossible,
of course, to get AIDS by donating blood, since the needles used for the procedure
are sterile and are discarded after each use.
The inherent danger of the deadly
disease is that AIDS antibodies, which indicate infection, only appear in the
blood a few weeks, and sometimes a few months after the person has been infected.
The incubation period however, varies greatly and can be quite long, perhaps as
long as five years. Hence it is not possible to detect infection immediately after
exposure. With no known cure or vaccine so far, AIDS prevention is indeed most
vital.
The following symptoms occur in AIDS: swollen lymph nodes, recurring
fevers, night sweats, sudden unexplainable weight loss, fatigue, diarrhoea, purplish
skin lesions and unusual infections.
The results of several investigations
into the spread of AIDS indicate that people living in the same house, sharing
eating utensils, or being exposed to sneezes from an infected person do not become
infected with AIDS virus. Nor is it possible to be infected from swimming pools,
handshaking or sharing toilet seats. The only known routes of infection are sexual
contact and exposure to contaminated needles or blood.
Nearly half a million
people around the world are officially reported to have AIDS. This is just a third
of the estimated total of eleven million people carrying the potentially lethal
virus HIV.
The global total of carriers is estimated to be 446,681 spread over
163 countries. In our country alone, the known number of HIV carriers has reached
more than 2,500 and 31 of the 37 AIDS victims have died. By the year 2000, it
is estimated that more than 60,000 infants will have AIDS, and 120,000 children
will become orphans!
There has been a 440% increase in HIV /AIDS cases over
the last five years. Data compiled by UNAIDS prove the gravity of our situation.
The
country's AIDS strategy is a plan on AIDS prevention that is based on proper morals.
The plan will 'go back to the basics', that is, religion, cultural and traditional
values, as today's teens are indulging in activities their forefathers would never
have dreamt of doing in their day. The danger of sexual misconduct is explained
in the teaching of the Buddha.
ADDICTION TO TOBACCO SMOKING
Tobacco smoking
covers a wide range of nicotine - laden products and includes cigarettes, cigars
and pipe smoking. Of the above mentioned categories, cigarette smoking is the
most prevalent. It has been established statistically that nicotine addiction
usually starts among the young, and smokers are usually hooked to the habit by
the time they become adults. 'Catch 'em young, and you have 'em for life' seems
to be the corporate strategy of the tobacco industry.
Right now, Malaysia seems
to be in a tobacco 'cloud-nine' oblivion. Our sports events, youth rock concerts,
film shows and trendy holiday programmes are sponsored by tobacco companies. They
advertise themselves on TV, radio and in the print media in a very subtle way
by promoting products and services totally unrelated to their trade. Although
their esteemed end product -- the all-important cigarette, appears nowhere in
sight, the message and logo they want to put across to the public nevertheless
ring loud and clear. Despite public criticism, our authorities continue to allow
such brand names and logo promotions as well as free distribution of cigarette
samplesat rock concerts.
Whatever has happened to our laws on anti-smoking,
and who are enforcing them? Are they to be observed only within the vicinity of
hospitals, the courts, gas stations and certain public buildings? Even the Congress
passed Bills recently defining nicotine as an addictive substance. Now that the
vast US market is rapidly being closed to tobacco companies, we can expect a more
aggressive and well-planned campaign upon the youth in Third World countries.
Malaysia, an economic success story, is certain to be a 'prime target'. Are we
ready for this onslaught upon our youngsters in this country? This pandering to
cigarette traders must come to an end. Or else, are we admitting that U.S President
Clinton cares more for his American youngsters than we care for ours.
Malaysia
as a responsible nation should unite to protect the health of our next generation.
Government agencies, the corporate sector and local Non-Government Organisations
(NGO's) should work together on a single policy to thwart the insidious strategy
of the international cigarette companies. The authorities should lay down singleminded
policies and detailed plans to curb smoking among youths. Cigarette companies
are required by law to print a warning notice on all cigarette cartons about the
dangers relating to smoking but, as could be expected, this usually appears in
almost microscopic print, merely to conform with official policy.
Cigarette
smoking is one of the contributory causes of heart disease which is already a
major killer in this country and its medical and social costs are growing each
year. We cannot afford to allow the tobacco habit to destroy the health of our
younger generation; hence we must act now, and as one society.
There is no
such thing as a 'safe' cigarette. Low-tar, low nicotine cigarettes, according
to manufacturers' tests, provide some risk reduction as far as contracting lung
cancer and heart disease is concerned. These tests, however, are performed on
smoking machines and not on human beings. In addition, switching to a low nicotine
brand is not a reliable alternative to quitting, especially for those who increase
the number of cigarettes they smoke to maintain former nicotine levels.
Even
though you do not inhale when smoking, you are still holding the smoke in your
mouth and thus increase the risks of developing oral cancer. In addition, you
may be inhaling some smoke without being aware of it, and you are breathing in
glycoprotein ( a tobacco ingredient that may cause some damage to the blood vessels)
both during the time you are actually smoking each cigarette and for a while afterwards.
If
you can stop smoking instantly, and find that you don't experience an intense
craving for tobacco or such signs of withdrawal as nervousness and headaches,
then you would not be classified as addicted. But the chances are that you probably
would not be able to give up without feeling some symptoms, in which case you
would be described, and accurately so, as addicted.
It is never too late to
stop smoking, even after 25 years. Quitting offers both short and long-term benefits.
You will soon notice some changes once you have given up smoking. You will be
able to taste food better and breathe more efficiently and your 'smoker's cough'
will clear up. Although your lungs will never return to the state they were in
before you took up smoking, some of the damage may clear up. The good news, of
course, is that if you quit smoking your lungs will cease deteriorating further.
Before
heart surgery doctors may ask whether the patient used to smoke or not. If the
answer is 'yes', they will delay the operation to clean the lungs of 'tar' accumulated
in the lungs of the smoker.
Many smokers do gain weight when they quit. But
the good news is that these people gain an average of only two to three kilograms.
Should you want to avoid weight gain, make quitting smoking your first priority.
Remember the enormous health benefits of quitting smoking, and do not allow your
worries about gaining weight to get in the way. You can work on reducing weight
after quitting smoking, as a second priority.
The question often asked is:
'Can the smoke from other people's cigarettes harm me?' Yes, it can. The scientific
evidence concerning the dangerous effects of passive smoking (inhaling the smoke
of others) on people who live with or work near smokers is growing rapidly. Scientists
have found a significantly higher incidence of respiratory diseases among children
whose parents smoke. Other studies have shown passive smoking can cause decreased
airway function in otherwise healthy adults and children. It has been reported
that the harmful constituents of inhaling cigarette smoke are found in passive
smoke, sometimes even to a greater extent than in inhaled smoke, and that non-smokers
do indeed draw these dangerous elements into their lungs when they breathe in
the smoke of others.
ALCOHOLISM
Alcoholism is a chronic illness which manifests
itself as a disorder of behaviour. It is characterised by the repeated drinking
of alcoholic beverages, to an extent that exceeds customary social customs.
The
term 'alcoholic' is hard to define exactly since people have different reactions
to alcohol and the way they use it. It usually takes 10 to 15 years of drinking
five or more drinks a day (less for women) for a person to develop what might
be called the full alcohol syndrome -- that is, a state of physical dependence
with serious damage to health and social relationships. In essence, alcoholism
is not measured by the amount of alcohol consumed but rather by the way a person
uses alcohol to deal with life's problems, and its effects on one's physical well-being.
Chronic
alcohol abuse can damage all vital organs in the body. To begin with, it can damage
the muscle cells of the heart and lead to heart failure and death. As alcohol
is broken down in the liver, whose chief function is to neutralise and remove
certain toxic compounds, this organ is the most vulnerable to alcohol's harmful
affects.
Alcoholism can cause the liver to enlarge, become inflamed, and eventually
develop the often fatal scarring called cirrhosis. One of alcohol's most damaging
effects is on the brain. Abuse may lead to brain damage and mental disorders.
Alcohol
taken in the early months of pregnancy can damage the heart of an unborn baby.
Pregnant women who drink run the risk of causing a variety of abnormalities to
develop in their unborn children (foetal alcohol syndrome).
Tolerance to alcohol
means that the body chemistry has gradually adjusted to the presence of the beverage.
As a result, it takes more of the substance to achieve the same response. This
is why a person who drinks only rarely may become drunk just on a glass of wine.
Tolerance, in fact, is one of the two key signs of dependence on alcohol. The
other is the development of withdrawal symptoms when the user stops taking alcoholic
drinks. The ability to drink a lot depends on several factors, such as the drinker's
weight and chemistry, his physical and mental state, the length of time he has
been drinking and the amount of food he has in his stomach while drinking.
Certain
organisations, as part of their social gatherings, encourage their youths to participate
in beer-drinking contests with offers of attractive prizes to the winners. Such
organisations in doing so are unwittingly initiating innocent youths, many of
whom have never taken any form of alcoholic drink, into the growing ranks of alcoholics,
which eventually will lead to all sorts of social and domestic problems to their
families and the community in general.
Could a person die from drinking too
much at one time? Although rare, such deaths do occur, usually as the result of
drinking contests. This is because during such events as much as a large tumbler
or more of alcoholic beverage may be consumed at one go. Such a massive quantity
of alcohol can depress the respiratory system and, in combination with vomiting,
lead to death by suffocation. In addition, it can reduce the body's production
of glucose and cause a coma. Alcohol also can reduce the pain threshold and weaken
the blood's clotting capacities.
The last of the Five Precepts in Buddhism
advocates total abstinence from the consumption of intoxicants. The strict observance
by Buddhists of this precept is extremely important for the well-being of one's
mental and physical health, as disregard for the precept itself undermines the
value of all the other precepts.
In winding up cocktail parties and drink sessions,
the common habit among guests and patrons of having the extra 'one for the road'
should be discouraged at all costs. Government's current 'don't drink and drive'
policy is indeed commendable and should be strictly adhered to for the safety
of all road users.
Pubs have mushroomed all over towns and are luring our youths
to indulge in the drinking habit. Certain undesirable shows are known to take
place in pubs and discos contrary to the licences issued to such establishments
exposing them to the risk of the premises being raided by the Police.
For persons
in the lower rungs of the social scale, toddy provides the much needed solace
for them to relax. Quite a number of them however imbibe the brew in excess, and
as a result become drunk and boisterous thus creating domestic violence at home.
Many from the low income group also indulge in drinking samsu distilled from rice.
But what worries the authorities is the consumption of cheap illicit samsu (distilled
under most unhygienic conditions) by unwary drinkers, leading to many cases of
deaths that had occurred arising from drinking such toxic brews.
Alcoholics
Anonymous is a self-help group of dedicated volunteers who help alcohol abusers
to break their habits and offer therapy where necessary. They offer their services
round the clock and can be contacted by telephone.
THE GENERATION GAP
The
word 'generation' is popularly used as a measure of time, and usually represents
about a span of 30 years, the period which man requires to attain maturity, and
the age at which, as a general rule, the first child is born. The intervening
wide gap between one or more generations is often generally referred to as the
generation gap.
As could be expected, persons from different generations differ
considerably in their ways of thinking, attitudes, life styles and values and
hence do not see eye to eye with each other on most matters. Due to the disparity
in the ages, the elderly group tend to hold set views which run contrary to the
way of thinking of the younger generation. Differences of opinion will arise and
this will lead to misunderstanding within the family.
Age old traditions, outmoded
customs and sectarian attitudes of the elders often come in conflict with the
aspirations of the youths. The younger generation of youths are made to stand
critically at cross-roads at such a great moment in their inexperienced young
lives. They are quite naturally averse to interference from elders and unyielding
to patronising moods.
Some elderly people cannot tolerate the modern ideas
and ways of living of the younger generation. They expect their children to follow
the same age-old customs and traditions of their forefathers. Instead of adopting
such an attitude, they should allow the children to move with the times if such
activities are harmless and beneficial to progress. Elders should call to mind
how their own parents had objected to certain popular modes of behaviour prevalent
at the time when they were young. For example, in the '60s it was considered shocking
for young people to imitate the Beatles and the hippies. Those young people have
grown up and are in turn shocked by their own children's imitation of 'punk' and
'grunge'.
These differences in perception between the conservative parents
and the younger generation is a common source of conflict within families of today.
This does not mean that parents should hesitate to counsel and guide their children
if they have gone astray due to some erroneous values.
But when correcting
them, they should observe the principle that prevention is better than punishment.
Parents should also explain to their children why they disapprove or approve of
certain values. We know that what we call 'Asian Values' are good, but only if
they are relevant to modern needs and can be adapted to suit the present situation.
A
lack of proper understanding between parents and their children is actually causing
them to distance themselves from each other. There should be more room provided
for the children to grow and to engage themselves in better communication with
their parents.
The following impassioned plea by a teenager seeking his parents'
understanding of his problems, as narrated by the youngster, would be typical
in many families today.
'I have been with my parents for nearly 20 years now.
I love them, but I do have problems with them. There are misunderstandings between
the three of us, and the problems seem to be increasing.
These problems stem
from my actions which my parents do not understand. They do not seem to understand
the reasons behind what I say and do. I have tried to correct and smoothen out
the ruffles between us, but to no avail.
My parents were always there for me
when I was young, or whenever I needed a shoulder to cry on. So I did not mind
them telling me what to do and I thought they were the greatest people on earth.
My
view of things eventually began to differ from theirs, but I kept quiet since
I feared retribution from them. The problems began when I was old enough to voice
my opinions.
Now, I talk back to my parents, not because I want to rebel against
them but because I can think for myself. I don't claim to know everything my parents
know, but I can look out for myself. I will ask for help when I need it, but whether
I want to heed their advice is a different matter.
My parents still see me
as a child, one who needs constant supervision. I appreciate that my parents look
after me, but they should give me some room and not smother me. They never hear
what I say and then they tell me that I do not understand them.
They also encroach
on my personal freedom as they do not understand me. Since they always watch me,
I do not get any freedom to see my friends or do the things I want to do.
My
parents always question my motives, but they never listen to my reasons because
they never want to talk with me. Naturally, I turn to my friends and this surprises
my parents.
I don't want to hurt my parents by not listening to them, but it
works both ways. How can I take advice from them when they do not bother to find
out the true facts? I am young, but how will I ever learn if I am not given the
chance.
The problems I am experiencing originate from my parents and me. They
just command me and do not give me a chance to ask them questions. In such an
intolerable and stifling home situation, who then is to blame if I have to seek
solace outside home with shady companions and indulge myself in negative activities?
Do I have an option?
My parents could understand me better if only they took
the time to speak with me and see my point of view. My parents and I must work
together to solve this problem for the sake of a better home environment.'
The
appearance of a generation in the 1950s which had become incomprehensible to its
elders now looks far less mysterious than it did at that time of great changes
in world civilization. Then, the talk was all of 'generation gap', a new phenomenon.
Young people did not pass directly from school into lifelong work, and often manual
labour, but had leisure, money and time to spend on themselves. A whole culture
grew around them.
The inability of the old to understand the young, the belief
by the young that youth will last for ever, their resistance to accept mortality
-- these things exist in all human societies at all times.
The generation gap,
with its dramas, its heroes and its stubbornnes has become far more complex and
complicated. It is now accepted as normal in the West that most people have little
social contact with anyone but their own age groups. The initially benign, or
at least apparently harmless, element in the fostering of differences between
the generations now threatens to turn into something far darker and more menacing.
The 'gap', as it is, is widening to a point of becoming a 'chasm'.
A major
problem confronting many rich Western societies - Germany; the United Kingdom,
Japan, Italy, Spain, among them is that their populations have failed to replenish
themselves, so that the numbers of old people are fast becoming a burden today.
Part
of the promotion of a detached, self-conscious younger generation in the 1950s
and 1960s represented a contempt for the old, at the very least, a discarding
of wisdom, a rejection of experience, a degradation of traditional relationships
between young and old.
These fostered misunderstandings, barriers between young
and old, will eventually create deeper conflicts in the future. Indeed outrages
by children against the old are already a serious issue in many parts of the world.
Such incidents, will certainly increase with time, because of the aged, kept alive
by technological miracles, by super drugs, by all the apparatus which permit life
expectancy to increase. Quality of life however does not improve with the increase
of population, and that's where the problem lies.
It is not difficult to anticipate
just what forms of vengeful retaliation will occur when the young realise that
they are expected to look after the 'surplus' population of those they regard
as useless, the discarded, the illadapted, unproductive and the infirm. These
are burdens society is increasingly reluctant to shoulder. One can imagine, therefore
the arguments in favour of euthanasia gaining ground and the practice being increasingly
accepted.
The problem of demography which once focused upon too many babies
in the Third World, is likely to shift to those who refuse to die particularly
in the developed world. Already the old say they have lived too long. They may
have to be helped to remove themselves to make way for the next generation.May
the Old and Young bridge the gap in the cause of Love and Understanding.
LISTEN
TO THE ELDERS
It is not necessary to have personal experience in certain things
to understand whether they are good or bad. Here is a an analogy for you to understand
this situation. A shoal of fishes come across an obstruction in the water with
an unusually small opening. It is actually a trap laid by a fisherman to catch
the fish.
Some fish want to go inside the fence and see what it is, but the
more experienced fish advise them not to do so because it must be a dangerous
trap. The young fish asks, 'How do we know whether it is dangerous or not? We
must go in and see, only then can we understand what it is.' So some of them go
in and get caught in the trap.
We must be prepared to accept the advice given
by wise men like the Buddha who is enlightened. Of course the Buddha himself has
said that we must not accept his teachings blindly. At the same time we can listen
to some wise ones or other religious teachers. This is simply because their experience
is more advanced than our limited knowledge regarding our worldly lives.
Parents
usually advise their children to do certain things and not others. By neglecting
the advice given by the elders, young people do many things according to their
own way of thinking. Eventually when they get into trouble, they remember the
elders and religious teachers and seek their help and sometimes even ask the religious
teachers to pray for them.
Only then do they remember religion and seek some
blessing and guidance. But they do not think the main purpose of a religion is
to help us to follow certain noble principles to avoid many of our problems before
they confront us. Early religious education trains the mind to cultivate the universal
principles which support our way of life to live peacefully.
CAN WE CHANGE
OTHERS WITHOUT CHANGING OURSELVES?
Man by nature is gifted with intelligence.
From childhood to adolescence his perception of life would be one of youthful
vigour with lofty ideals and aspirations. As he reaches manhood, the age of reason
dawns on him, and with his mature outlook, he soon realises that his utopian ideals
held by him during his youth would have to be cast aside, and that he would have
to perceive life afresh in its true perspective. With advancing age, and with
mellowed outlook in life, he finds he has to change and adjust his lifestyle accordingly.
Even his lofty ambitions in life held eminently by him in his younger days, will
eventually have to come to terms with the realities of change. Such is the inevitable
life cycle affecting Man and his ambitions.
'When I was young I set out to
change the world.
When I grew older I perceived that this was too ambitious,
so I set out to change my state.
This too, I realised as I grew older, was
too ambitious, so I set out to change my town.
When I realised that I could
not do even this, I tried to change my family.
Now, as an old man I know that
I should have started by changing myself.
If I had started with myself, maybe
then I would have succeeded in changing my family, the town, or even the state
and who knows, maybe the world.'
The most intelligent man and the real stupid
man both do not agree to change the mind. (Confucius)
EXPERIENCE COMES WITH
AGE
Through the academic knowledge that people gain without personal experience,
some young people think they can solve all their problems. Science can provide
the material things to solve our problems, but it cannot help us to solve many
of our life's problems. There is no substitute for wise people who have experienced
the world. Think about this saying, ' When I was 18, I thought what a fool my
father was. Now that I am 28, I am surprised how much the old man has learned
in 10 years!.
Actually, it is not the father who has learned, rather it is
the youth who has learned to see things in a mature way.
More than two thousand
years ago the Buddha, Confucius, Lao Tze and many other religious teachers gave
us wonderful advice. This advice can never become out-of-date being based on truth
and will remain fresh forever. It is impossible to overcome our human problems
by ignoring the ancient wisdom. This wisdom is to develop human dignity, understanding,
peace and happiness.
CARING FOR AGED PARENTS
As parents age, it is inevitable
that their bodies will gradually weaken and deteriorate in a variety of ways,
making them increasingly susceptible to physical illnesses that can affect every
organ in their system. As the realisation grows that there is no escape, the aging
individual must try to find some way to come to terms with the disturbing new
reality.
Filial piety is an important factor in caring for the aged in our
traditional Asian society. As Asians it has long been the norm for us to accommodate
and nurse the aged parents in our own homes as far as possible.
Do children
owe any legal liability to care for old and disabled parents? Unfortunately the
answer is 'No'. Parents simply have to depend on the goodwill of their children.
Although we are proud about our values, and cultural heritage, unfortunately the
number of elderly citizens with no savings and abandoned by their families is
growing in Asia. The problem for us to consider is whether our values, including
filial devotion and reciprocal love for children are being eroded because of a
breakdown in traditional family relations and a changed economic and demographic
profile.
Cramped flats and squatter houses are not places which are conducive
to the accommodation of aged parents. There have been numerous cases in which
old people have been neglected by their children or their relatives. This is a
sad situation where good values and traditions are no longer practiced.
Welfare
homes and their environment for the most part are also not places which are conducive
to the accommodation of aged parents. Of all living alternatives, placement in
an Old Folks Home is without doubt the most sensitive issue often provoking guilt
through self accusations of ingratitude, lack of devotion or filial piety and
abandonment.
A nursing home, although somewhat expensive, offers the most satisfactory
alternative. Each person must decide for himself and understand that there are
no perfect choices. While long term institutionalization is a painful issue, it
is essential to provide appropriate care for a debilitated parent.
Placement
in a nursing facility does not mean 'putting your aged parent away', or at least
it shouldn't. Family involvement remains essential for proper care, from the first
step of choosing the facility, to maintaining an ongoing relationship with the
staff, to regularly visiting the parent and involving him or her in family matters.
They need cheering up and to know that there are people who really care for them.
Certain
irresponsible persons with ill or aged parents get them admitted into third class
wards of hospitals, leaving false addresses and just disappear from the scene.
This indeed is a most cruel way of disposing of one's own aged parents.
A caring
attitude as well as concern for the aged parents must prevail if the older generation
is not to be adversely affected by the rapid socio-economic changes of urbanisation
and industrialisation. It has to be realised that the aged are more affected by
these changes and the degradation of moral values in society. It should also encompass
the responsible manner in which the elderly are treated, cared for, respected
and honoured.
This aspect of caring for the aged parents requires collective
responsibility. It will also instil respect for the elderly as there is no better
institution to care for the aged parents other than the family itself.
In many
discourses the Buddha has advised children to pay special attention to father
and mother. There is an old adage which says: 'Take good care of your parents
for you will never know how much you miss them when they are gone.
GAMBLING
Gambling
is the wagering of money or other-valuables on the outcome of a game, race, contest
or other event. Although few societies in general have ever wholly approved of
gambling, none has been able to eradicate it.
The hope of making quick money
easily is what gives gambling its appeal. If the appeal of gambling is winning
money, the thrill of it is in the risk that the wager may be lost. For many people
gambling become an addiction.
The games most closely associated with gambling
involve a heavy element of chance. Whereas poker, for instance, requires skill
to play well, the outcome of the game is determined primarily by the distribution
of the cards. Many casino games, such as roulette are dictated solely by chance.
Betting on the outcome of sporting events, especially on horse racing, or on a
lottery is perhaps the most widespread legal form of gambling, and in many countries,
governments have created systems to funnel through legal channels the vast amounts
wagered, retaining a certain proportion for their own use. Football pools are
popular particularly in the West.
Gambling is not confined to any economic
or social stratum. Many housewives are known to be compulsive gamblers who often
neglect their family obligations and their children when they become so engrossed
in the vicious gambling habit. They even gamble away their market provision money
and become easy prey to loan sharks who are ever ready to come to the 'rescue'
of such unfortunate women. Compulsive women gamblers are prepared even to go the
extent of compromising their modesty to these human vultures in order to redeem
their losses. Compulsive gambling is recognised as a sickness, and such organisations
as Gamblers Anonymous exist for the purpose of helping individuals suffering from
the problem.
Illegal gambling constitutes one of the largest 'businesses' in
existence, and its 'gross' has been estimated to exceed that of its legal counterpart.
Gambling can become the cause of the downfall of a person if he or she is addicted
to it says the Buddha.
INDEBTEDNESS
Many who become addicted to gambling
and liquor also become indebted in order to sustain their gambling and drinking
habits and in so doing easily fall into the clutches of unscrupulous money lenders
and loan sharks.
Money lenders often charge a high rate of interest on loans
borrowed by debtors. Although the amount of loan advanced is low, their modus
operandi is to make the borrower sign for a larger amount, as a form of security,
In case of default by the borrower, the money lender will invariably sue the borrower
through court proceedings, tendering the borrower's signed document for the larger
amount as the basis of their claim.
Licensed money lenders and loan sharks
are the bane of helpless alcoholics and gamblers as they often exploit the inherent
human weakness of their victims. 'A drunkard's mouth dries up his pocket' - so
the adage goes.
Even people in an affluent society resort to money lenders
as a means of alleviating themselves from tight financial situations. Valuable
properties and lands are sometimes mortgaged to these money lenders as a form
of collateral in order to secure a loan for a business venture. Should the borrowers
default, these unscrupulous money lenders will have no qualms whatsoever in resorting
to court action to foreclose their claims. The law provides for the seizure of
the debtor's property to pay the sum owed, plus the legal costs incurred. One
who is not indebted to anybody experiences happiness in this life time says the
Buddha.
Many heavily indebted businessmen, finding themselves insolvent, have
no other option than to declare themselves bankrupt.
COMMON PROBLEMS
Human
problems are complicated and entangled in various ways. From our birth up to our
last breath, numerous problems confront us. It is impossible for any human being
to exist without facing some sort of problems. The Buddha has advised us to understand
the nature of our problems if we want to live peacefully. He has also advised
us to ponder on the purpose of our existence and try to find out why we are not
satisfied with our lives and the world. If we can understand this situation, there
will be no reason for us to suffer from undue fear, disappointments and frustrations.
The
Buddha's approach to the problems of human suffering is essentially empirical
and experimental and not speculative and metaphysical.
There is no short cut
for us to get rid of our problems. We must cultivate our way of life to discover
the cause of the problems that we are facing. We must understand that there is
no existence without any friction. If we want to be really free, we must examine
our problems by reducing our egoism through understanding why these problems make
life miserable.
We all like to lead very happy, contented and peaceful lives
but how many of us can really experience such happiness? We are willing to do
anything in everyway possible to gain satisfaction but it is very difficult to
experience true satisfaction.
SUPERSTITIOUS
BELIEFS
Whenever we have problems, we approach others, and seek their advice.
They may advise us to go and pray to certain gods in a temple or other places
of worship or to recite certain mantras and to perform some rites and rituals.
But
the Buddha's advice is entirely different. He never advises anyone to do anything
without investigating the problems and analysing them to discover where the main
cause of the problem is. The trouble with us is, whenever we face any problem,
we suffer from fear due to ignorance and we create for ourselves unfounded fear,
imagination and suspicion. After that we seek advice from others in order to get
rid of them.
For example, when people face failure in their business they try
to use magical power to gain good luck and success in their business. But they
do not try to find out where the mistake or the weak point is and do not realise
that many such practices are also based on superstitious beliefs. Some of these
so-called 'seers' or astrologers exploit the ignorance of innocent people and
make them believe that 'evil forces' are behind their bad luck.
The Buddha
advised us to develop patience and understanding, without depending on superstitious
beliefs, and to develop the rational way of life without wasting time and money
on meaningless practices and also to use our own effort to overcome them in a
reasonable way. Usually we cannot understand the causes of many of our problems
because our way of thinking is clouded by suspicion and illusion. It is due to
a lack of proper understanding that we give the wrong reasons for our problems
and seek the wrong means to overcome them. We pray, we make offerings and vows
by thinking that our misery is due to the working of an external force. Actually,
most of our problems and worries are created by ourselves.
We do not strive
to develop a correct way of life through moral and spiritual development. We think
that religion is only for us to pray or perform certain rituals to get rid of
our problems. If we maintain such beliefs, how can we concentrate on enriching
our knowledge and understand things in their proper perspective?
The tree of
civilization has its roots in moral values which most of us do not realize. Without
these roots the leaves would have fallen and leave the tree a lifeless stump.
Today,
we have developed our worldly life in such a way that we have no time to devote
for self-discipline or to cultivate inner peace. Although we may have more than
enough to satisfy our material needs like food, shelter and clothing, all the
while we go on thinking of how to make more money and how to enjoy life in a worldly
way even at the cost of others' rights. When we come across certain problems,
we start to grumble, show our temper and create more disturbances not knowing
that it is impossible to overcome our problems by adopting such an attitude.
WORRIES
People
concentrate more on pleasure rather than on their peace and health. Some people
worry by considering their future although they have more than enough at the moment.
They worry about their sicknesses, old-age, death, funerals and also about heaven
and hell or the next birth. Everyday they experience uncertainty in their lives.
They run around searching for a remedy to end their problems. They worry when
they are getting old. They worry when they cannot gain what they want. They worry
when they lose their belongings or persons they love. After that, they create
frustration, anguish, mental agony and suffer from mental disturbance and later
these turn into physical ailments. Throughout their lives, they continue this
search for peace and happiness until they die without finding the real solution.
Not
knowing the real nature of life, we try to maintain it without experiencing any
disappointments and changes. But life is changeable. It is a bundle of elements
and energies which are always changing and the situation is always not to our
satisfaction. Sometimes we feel life is not in our favour. When the elements and
energies are imbalanced, we experience uneasiness, sickness, pain and many other
problems. When mental energy is disturbed, we experience mental problems. After
that our organs and glands also change their normal functions and affect the blood
circulation, hormones, heart and brain cells.
We can avoid many of these problems
if we can understand this conflict in our body and lead a natural life in harmony
with natural forces which make up our physical existence.
FACING REALITIES
Today
many people lead an artificial life not knowing its danger. Many of our problems
are created by us due to our crazy attitude caused by temptation.
Simplicity
makes life run smoothly. Many of us realise and experience them only when we grow
old.
For example, let us assume there is a pit about 100 feet deep and we put
burning charcoal at the bottom. We then lower a ladder into it and ask people
to go down one by one. Those who start to go down do not complain about the heat
until they go further down to a depth of 30 to 40 feet. After 40 to 50 feet, they
feel a certain amount of heat. When they go still further down to 70 or 80 feet
and reach nearer to the burning charcoal, they will experience the sensation of
burning. In the same manner, young people do not experience suffering although
the Buddha says life is one of suffering. But it is a good analogy to explain
that as we gain more experience we see the truth about suffering more clearly.
The real meaning of suffering is experiencing unsatisfactoriness in everything.
NEIGHBOURLINESS
Let
us consider our families. How many families are there who live with mutual understanding
and love? Here we think not only of our immediate families but also those who
live around us. We can invite the whole world into our room through our T.V. but
we are not willing to invite our next door neighbours into our houses to talk
to them in a friendly manner. We have no time to look at the faces of our own
family members but we spend many hours to see the faces of unknown people on the
television screen. Even within one family we have no time to look at each other
with smiling faces although we live in the same house. How can there be unity
and happiness in such families? The sad fact is that this strange behaviour is
very common in modern society.
Some people completely ignore their family members
after their marriage. That is not the real way of life. We should maintain a community
that lives by assisting each other and by giving moral support to those in need.
Although they do not assist each other very often to the extent that human beings
do, animals live together, sometimes protecting their group or their young from
their enemies and their young always follow the elders.
It seems that today
we are not living as real human beings. We have deviated very far from our natural
ways of life. That is why we have to face so many problems and hence we feel lonely.
We must understand that there are some natural problems and there is no way to
escape from them. There are also many other problems which are man-made, some
are mind-made, resulting from illusion and ignorance or selfishness.
WE ARE
RESPONSIBLE
Even educated people do not use their knowledge wisely when they
come to superstitious practices that are performed in the name of religion. Try
to get rid of this poor mentality by strengthening the mind and developing self-confidence.
Then we can overcome many of our problems and in most cases, our imaginary problems
will simply disappear.
According to some religious beliefs, there is a god
who is responsible for all the good things that happen to us and if anything goes
wrong, then the devil is to be blamed for it. To us it is not a very convincing
belief.
Most of us simply do not try to understand why we are not happy and
why we are not satisfied with our lives, and who is responsible for this situation.
The Buddha teaches that we are ultimately responsible for every action of ourwhich
leads to contentment or unsatisfactoriness.
Besides all major problems for
which we are responsible and which affect us directly we also create some others
which divide mankind and create problems such as racial arrogance, religious fanaticism,
cultural and traditional discrimination, language problems, colour bar and superiority
and inferiority complex by thinking the followers of other religions are their
enemies and it is a sin to support the activities of another religion. They never
think that the followers of every religion are trying to do some service to humanity
and not do harm to others.Problems such as these indirectly contribute to our
sense of discontentment.
PURPOSE OF RELIGION
The purpose of religion is
to guide mankind, to develop unity and a harmonious life and to cultivate humane
qualities and mental purity. However, religion is being used to discriminate against
other religions and to develop jealousy or hostility. Actually people are not
using religion to maintain peace but to disturb and hate others. This unhealthy
religious arrogance and competition have even created violence and blood-shed
in many parts of the world.
At the same time, while cherishing their own imagination
or concepts as real beliefs as part of their valuable culture or traditions, some
religionists ridicule the culture and traditions of others. In their beliefs and
practices which they introduce as the only true religion, they promote selfish
ideas for material gain, political power and self-glorification.
MANNERS AND
CUSTOMS
Manners may be defined as behaviour appropriate to living well in society.
For various good reasons certain traditions have been handed down, and only very
thoughtless persons would consider it worthless to follow those rules which guide
us in our social relations to each other. Goethe wisely said, 'A man is really
alive only when he delights in the goodwill of others'. An ancient motto, 'Manners
maketh a man' still holds good even to this day.
The standards for what are
considered good manners differ among people belonging to different ethnic groups
and societies.
We discover the peculiarities of the manners and customs prevailing
in other societies when we travel abroad. We should not prejudge other peoples'
manners and custom too quickly, and decide what is proper or improper. In themselves,
manners are neither good nor bad, but when they cause ill feelings in others,
then this can be considered as bad manners.
We are living in an ever-changing
world. We should not cling blindly to the traditions, customs, manners, rites
and rituals practised by our forefathers or ancestors who adopted these practices
according to beliefs and conditions prevalent during their time. Some customs
or traditions handed down by our ancestors may be good, while others may be less
useful. We should consider with an open mind whether these practices are congenial
and relevant to the modern world.
Among members of the Chinese community emphasis
is laid on continuity of the family tradition and there is great reverence for
the wisdom of the elders. Ancestor worship is very ancient (dating from the second
millennium BC). Life is essentially a family affair, involving prayers and offerings
before tablets in the home and in ancestral temples, with an elaborate system
of burial and mourning, rituals and the visiting of graves as a mark of deep respect.
Ethically, their primary virtue is filial piety - an obligation to serve and honour
parents and forebears without any sense of fear or gain. Such respect inevitably
results in strong social solidarity within the family. Confucius, was very concerned
with this reverence for the wisdom of the elders. Respect for the elders is another
ancient tradition in India, China and some other countries.
On the other hand
good conduct such as kindness, patience, tolerance, honesty and generosity also
cannot eradicate certain problems because cunning people can take undue advantage
of the good qualities of others. Therefore good qualities must be practised wisely.
Social
welfare workers are trying to wipe out human problems. But their contribution
also can only minimise certain problems. Some others try to settle human problems
by distributing the wealth and revenue of a country equally amongst the public
in so-called socialist societies. It seems that their method is also not very
effective to settle human problems and has failed in many countries, since selfishness,
cunningness, laziness and many other shortcomings can upset the situation.
Modern
scientific education has in fact created more problems rather than promoting peace,
happiness and security. Governments try to maintain peace and order by punishing
those who disobey the law. But all over the world, evil and immoral practices
are spreading rapidly.
Ignorant people resort to charms, magic, supernatural
powers and mantras to overcome their problems. But nobody knows just how far they
can succeed through such beliefs and practices.
Some use violent methods to
gain what they need to settle their problems. Some others try to settle human
problems by improving people's lives through financial aid.
Certain religious
authorities on the other hand try to settle these problems by illustrating the
concept of a paradise to create temptation and to frighten people by threatening
them with hell-fire.
Whatever method people adopt to avoid their problems,
they have to face more and more new problems in their day-to-day lives. The reason
for this situation is that they have not realised that the main cause of most
of their problems is the untrained mind and selfish desires or uncertain worldly
conditions.
When we study the life of primitive people, we can see that they
have to face relatively few problems. These problems are mostly related only to
their need for survival. But in the so-called civilised societies of today many
of our problems are due not to our desire to continue living but because we seek
too much sensual pleasures. Many people believe that the purpose of their lives
is only for self-gratification.
HOW DO WE FACE PROBLEMS?
We usually create
some other problems while trying to solve our existing ones. If the new problem
is minor, we tolerate it to the best of our ability and do what we can to alleviate
the pain. For example, when we have gastric ulcers and suffer severe pain, we
consult a doctor. If the doctor says that we have to undergo an operation, we
will accept the fact that we will have to suffer if we want to be cured. Since
we know that there is no other solution, we decide to face the new problem of
the operation to get rid of the existing pain. Then we get ready to bear the pain
and uneasiness during the operation thinking that we can finally be rid of the
pain.
In the same manner, we are willing to tolerate certain problems or pain
to overcome the existing big problem. That is why we sometimes face suffering
with smiling faces. We cannot overcome our existing problems without facing some
other new problems or without sacrificing something. But one thing is clear, it
is impossible to settle all our problems because problems are like waves. When
one wave comes down, that creates the force for another wave to go up. Sometimes
a 'give and take policy' also helps to settle our problems.
The Buddha has
advocated a meaningful and practical method to settle our problems. He did not
recommend a method just to patch up a problem here and there simply to pander
us for the time being. Rather he taught us the way to penetrate to the root of
the problem and find out the main cause of it. His method was not just to reduce
the symptoms of the problem like some medicines which only suppress the symptoms
of the sickness but do not cure the sickness itself. If a drug or pain killer
seems to act beneficially for a while in one way, it is nearly always accompanied
by one or more (usually more) deleterious after affects.
When we have a severe
stomach pain, or headache, we take painkiller tablets. After that, we feel better
for a short while but the pain may come back. Assume that we have a very painful
wound on our body. After applying all sorts of medicine, we may manage to get
rid of the wound. When the doctor or somebody asks 'How do you feel now?' we say
'we feel very much better.' But can we define this word 'better'? Can we show
anything to prove what that better feeling is? Here it means that there is no
longer any more pain. For anything in this world, we say we feel good or nice
only to tell others that there is no problem for the time being. When we say we
feel 'good', we must understand that this 'good' feeling is not permanent because
when the effects of the pain killer drug wears off there will be pain again. This
is the nature of life. The Buddha's method for gaining permanent happiness is
to uproot the main causes of the problem and not by suppressing them. Of course,
some people say it is difficult to practise the Buddha's teaching, because it
does not provide short-term relief. The Buddha taught that the cause of our misery
is so deep-rooted that we must take strong measures to root it out permanently,
so that it can never return.
To the question on how to eradicate problems,
the answer given by the Buddha is 'when a wise man, established well in morality
(sila) has developed his mind and understanding (panna), then such an ardent and
wise person succeeds in disentangling himself from this tangle.' A person who
is diligent and understanding, by realising the real nature of existence, develops
his moral behaviour or self-discipline. Sila means discipline of the senses, speech
or action according to a moral code. When a man is diligent and wise, he knows
how to face his problems and how to overcome some of them. Here the Buddha's advice
for us is to be good, diligent and act wisely if we want to solve our problems.
No other method can give a final solution to our problems.
SELFISH CRAVING
CREATES MORE PROBLEMS
The modern job-oriented education system produces students
who are equipped with more academic knowledge which develop selfishness. It produces
clever people without any moral development. Such people do not care what happens
to others or to the world so long as they alone profit on a materialistic level.
Through cunningness and adopting scientific methods to achieve their selfish desires
they increase their own anxieties.
Human beings are more selfish in their craving
for pleasure than any other living being. They enjoy worldly lives and sensual
pleasures with no thought for the welfare of others or for the survival of the
species. They also like to live long to experience pleasures. They develop craving
towards the property they have accumulated and are scared of death because they
do not want to depart from their properties but other living beings have no such
selfish ideas. They use their senses only for their survival and lead a natural
life without wilfully hurting others. It has been said that only man hoards more
than he can eat. All other animals take only as much as they need for their survival.
What they do not need they leave alone for others. Today we even neglect our relaxation
but indulge in the senses to such an extent that we have become slaves to self-gratification.
PATIENTS
IN A VEGETATIVE STATE AND EUTHANASIA
What is euthanasia, one might ask? It
is a word derived from two Greek words: eu meaning good, and thanathos meaning
death. Put together, it means, good death.
There has been a long-standing debate
on whether legalising euthanasia (where terminally ill people are allowed to commit
suicide with the assistance of doctors) is murder or 'mercy killing'. The argument
for legal voluntary euthanasia states that people ought to be able to die with
grace, dignity and in a compassionate manner.
When a member of one's family
or a relative becomes seriously ill and develops complications which result in
an irreversible coma, he will invariably end up being in a 'vegetative state',
or 'brain death', for the rest of his remaining life, causing much sorrow and
concern to family members who will have to care and nurse him - a heavy burden
indeed which will have to be borne with great courage and fortitude.
'Persistent
vegetative state' is an expression which has recently come into use in the medical
profession. The 'vegetative state' arises from a severe form of brain damage which
results in the patient being unable to move voluntarily, speak or swallow. But
he can otherwise breathe and the heart beats without assistance. If there are
movements, they appear to be reflex actions rather than purposeful gestures.
As
life-prolonging technology improves, society is being forced to confront a very
basic question: When, exactly, does life end? While there is almost universal
agreement that complete loss of brain function is equivalent to death, a debate
rages among doctors and the general public alike, when it comes to patients in
the persistent vegetative state (PVS).
The diagnosis of 'persistent vegetative
state,' according to the Royal College of Physicians in Britain, can be made after
a patient has been in an apparently 'vegetative state' for 12 months. As a description
of a person suffering from this condition, 'vegetative state' is an unfortunate
choice, for human beings are of an entirely different order of creation from vegetables.
The
body may die but there is life after death. This belief was held even by the philosopher
Plato, who had no idea of revealed religion, over two thousand years ago.
Added
to the unimaginable suffering of being unable to move or communicate with their
family or those caring for them, these unfortunate people have suffered the humiliation
of being discussed and treated as if they were 'vegetative'. And worse, in a number
of those cases, at the request of relatives, the sufferers were deprived of nutrition.
The relatives described it as 'allowing them to die.' Others describe it as 'starving
them to death'.
Surely there is a lesson here for all of us. Life is infinitely
precious and there is no justification for taking away the life of a sick person.
Indeed, we have an obligation to guard it and strive to make him or her well or,
if that is not possible, at least as comfortable as we can.
There is a major
distinction in principle between taking steps to end the life of a fellow human
being and taking steps to eliminate or minimise pain, to give the sufferer comfort
and to preserve his dignity until he breathes his last. Life is sacred and every
human being is worthy of respect.
Is a person legally dead if he is in a coma
and his vital organs are kept alive by an apparatus of some kind? The advanced
medical technology and sophisticated procedures available in this century have
posed a dilemma to many, as for instance, taking care of people in irreversible
coma, commonly known as 'brain death'.
Before recent medical advances, when
a patient's heart or lungs failed, his brain would also go 'dead' in no time.
Similarly, when the brain failed, heart and lung failure would soon follow.
While
medical opinion is more or less thus settled, the legal consequences of doctors'
action or inaction in such cases remain questionable. Will they be liable to a
charge of murder or manslaughter if they switch off the life-supporting machine
in hopeless cases?
Euthanasia, or 'mercy killing' in crude language, is generally
understood to mean the merciful act of painlessly terminating the life of a patient
suffering from an incurable disease. It is legally and religiously prohibited
in the case of humans. While permitting doctors to discontinue treatment, it is
illegal for doctors to administer a lethal drug or injection to terminate the
patient's life. It is so even though such course of action was prompted by a humanitarian
desire to end the suffering.
All this does not however mean prolonging a life
at any cost when it is plainly nearing its end. Allowing someone to die implies
a recognition that there is some point in terminal illness when further curative
treatment has no purpose and that a person in this situation should be allowed
to die a natural death in peace and dignity. In no way, should this involve active
or wilful destruction of someone's life. Rather, it involves a refusal to start
curative treatment when no known cure is possible. While we should respect a person's
wish and right to die, we need not assist him to die or commit suicide.
Where
as the law considers that the discontinuance of life support may be consistent
with the doctor's duty to care for his patient, it does not, for reasons of policy
consider that it forms any part of his duty to give his patient a lethal injection
to put him out of his agony.
The legal liability of a person who assumes responsibility
for the care of another who cannot look after himself, for example, a baby or
a frail person, and making the person who is in charge of the other liable for
murder or manslaughter for his omission is the same as before. While we should
welcome medical technology and the use of new devices such as 'miracle' drugs,
organ transplants, haemodialysis machines and so on, we should guard against going
down the slippery slope to the valley of euthanasia.
In disconnecting life-support
machines after brain death, it is not an exaggeration to say this is a common
problem for doctors and next-of-kin of the dying patient. The poser is: Is it
better for death to be accelerated in obviously hopeless cases by disconnecting
the life-supporting machine?' An immediate thought occurring to mind is, how can
we be absolutely sure that the case is hopeless? Miracles can and do happen, although
rarely. Whether right or not, one can only safely conclude that there are many
unexplained mysteries in this world. This is a matter that has been agitating
the minds of the orient for many years.
Buddhism does not countenance euthanasia
for two reasons. The first is that every living being has the results of its own
past karma to work out, and any interference with his situation will not be anything
more than a temporary alleviation of the suffering it is bound to endure. The
second reason for condemning the mistaken support for euthanasia concerns the
doer and the deed. The very act of killing, whatever its apparent motive, may
be related to separation of life from the physical body intentionally which goes
against the natural formation of life according to the following five factors:
mental - energy, karmic energy, germinal order, seasonal order and the order of
natural phenomena. The feeling takes the form of repugnance towards suffering
that is being witnessed. He disguises his real feeling as a morally praise-worthy
action, and so rationalises and justifies it to himself. If he understood his
own psychology better, the hidden forces of cruetly arise at the time of committing
the deed.
This does not, however, prohibit the use of sedation and other therapeutic
sources to allay the suffering of any person. To be able to relieve someone from
suffering by any means and to create an atmosphere for healing should be considered
as laudable. All those involved in the alleviation of suffering and in service
of the sick should cultivate awareness in their everyday work not merely as an
academic and humanitarian involvement, but also associate themselves in the truth
that is a psychological process in eliminating selfishness, aversion and delusion.
SUICIDE
Suicide
is the act of intentionally and voluntarily taking one's own life. Suicides fall
into two types; conventional and personal. The first type occurs as a result of
tradition and the force of public opinion. An example is hara-kiri, the ritualistic
suicide committed by abdominal stabbing by a Japanese man of rank when he faced
disgrace.
Personal suicides are more typical of modern times. The theory is
generally accepted that suicide is a result of failure to adjust to one's life
stresses and strains.
Suicide is a way to solve various types of personal problems
- loneliness, hate, desire for revenge, fear, physical pain, feelings of guilt
etc. More men commit suicide than do women, and this applies to all age groups.
However, women make more unsuccessful attempts than do men, either because of
lack of skill in the art of killing or because of emotional differences.
Most
people who commit suicide are depressed. The highest incidence occurs in those
whose depression is accompanied by a pervasive sense of hopelessness and a loss
of interest or pleasure in activities. In addition, people who are older, single,
divorced or widowed, and especially those who are addicted to alcohol or drugs,
are at higher risk. Those who are homeless are also more serious suicide risks
than others.
Teenage suicide, on the other hand, is a frightening problem.
Since 1950 the suicide rate has doubled in adolescent males. For various reasons,
however, a similar rise has not occurred in females.
Some experts feel that
the rise in teenage suicides is due to the complexity and stress of modern life.
It is also known that television dramas and news stories about suicide produce
a temporary rise in the number of youngsters who take their lives. Unemployment
and pressure to achieve are also factors.
There are several warning signals
to watch for, including withdrawal from the company of friends and from regular
activities; neglect of personal appearance; radical changes in eating and sleeping
habits; and abuse of drugs and alcohol. Some teenagers make their intentions even
more obvious. They may give away cherished possessions or say: 'I won't be a problem
much longer'. The actual act of suicide often follows some emotional loss such
as a break with a girlfriend (or boyfriend) or a family divorce.
Hence, if
you should spot any of these behavioural changes - and they must be taken seriously
- you should immediately discuss your child's unhappiness with him. For instance,
ask specific and direct questions about what he is planning to do. Bringing things
out in the open may reduce his anxiety, and he will sense your support. Only then
you may be able to attack the problem itself and seek professional help if necessary.
The
permissiveness of modern society, which implies greater tolerance of deviant behaviour
may partly be responsible for the increase in suicidal acts, especially of self
poisoning.
Society's attitude toward suicidal behaviour has grown less moralistic
and punitive. There is now a greater readiness to understand rather than to condemn,
but a tendency to conceal suicidal acts still persists.
A fatal suicidal act
tends to cause grief reactions and guilt feelings on the part of those who may
feel that they could have prevented by caring and loving more than they did. Unsatisfied
craving or failure to gain what people wanted become causes of committing suicide.
No religion has ever condoned this cruel act.
The telephone is now commonly
used as a means of communication among lonely and desperate individuals contemplating
suicide, and seeking support and advice from members of a caring society. As in
the case of 'Alcoholics Anonymous' and other similar organisations, voluntary
workers serve as advisers round the clock and their services are available to
would-be suicidal cases at any time. There is evidence that this kind of service
does help to avert suicidal acts to a great extent.
MENTAL IMBALANCE
Mental
imbalance which we regard as madness is another big problem. By violating an ethical
way of life, man disturbs his own peace and happiness and that of others. Then
by bringing external incidents into the mind more miseries, excitement, fear and
insecurity are created.
Many people have to suffer from frustrations and nervous
breakdowns because they have not trained their minds to maintain contentment.
They have developed only craving for sensual pleasures. To them development means
development of craving.
As a result, they also develop unhealthy competition
and violence. That is how they have turned the whole world into a chaotic situation.
After that, everyone cries for peace. People accuse god or the devil of putting
them in misery. They do pray and worship to escape from the problems which they
themselves created.
We can understand now who actually creates problems and
who can overcome them. The Buddha says the world is within you. When you discipline
yourself, the whole world is disciplined and peace is maintained. It is not necessary
to beg for peace from others. Good and bad, peace and violence, all exist because
of the trained and untrained mind.
COPING WITH STRESS
The word stress is
borrowed from physics and engineering, where it has a very precise meaning; a
force of sufficient magnitude to distort or deform. In psychiatric practice however,
stress involves an individuals' physical and emotional reaction to pressure from
his environment and from within himself. There are two major types of stress;
the stress involved in loss of a loved one, or a job, or of self-esteem that comes
when a person's level of aspiration is impossibly high; and the stress involved
in threats to the individual's status, goals, health and security. Stress gets
its bad name because it may become an unavoidable part of life, and cause one
to be constantly agitated. When this happens, it is possible to become overloaded
and suffer physically or emotionally, or both.
Stress can be caused by any
number of factors, including changes, both good and bad, personal problems, physical
difficulties, illnesses etc. Common sources of stress are: death of spouse or
close friend, marital separation, divorce, sexual difficulties, change of residence,
child leaving home, pregnancy, in-law troubles, impending foreclosure on mortgage,
dismissal (from work), redundancy, change in work responsibilities or working
conditions and trouble with the boss.
Each period of one's life has its own
set of stresses. In early life, the child has to cope with the immediate family
group and the demands of school, adjusting to the personality of the teacher and
to the other children can be very stressful, as can the problem of boy and girl
relationships in later adolescence.
Then there are the academic stresses of
college years and worries over career choice. After college, for most there are
the problems of the first years of marriage. These can be quite serious and often
lead to early divorce. The problems of having children bear heavily on women,
while men have early career problems.
Some of the stress-related illnesses
include peptic ulcers, migraine headaches, depression, high blood pressure, stroke
and heart attacks. Continuous stress can weaken the body's immune system, and
as a result the system may become less effective in battling infections. Some
authorities even suggest that chronic and excessive stress may contribute to the
development and progression of cancer.
In times of stress the body secretes
a cascade of brain chemicals and hormones, including adrenaline and hydrocortisone,
that stimulate what is known as the 'fight or flight' response. Adrenaline increases
the heart rate and rate of breathing, and prepares the body to fight an external
threat, or flee from it. Hydrocortisone helps to maintain its readiness for dealing
with stress. Thus when we hear bad news on the phone, our immediate reaction is
one triggered by adrenaline, followed by an increased secretion of hydrocortisone.
The
hormones that help us to cope with stress for a short period, however, can cause
health problems if we are subjected to long-term stress. Constant stress causes
the body to secrete adrenaline and hydrocortisone on a continuing basis, and in
time their presence in the bloodstream may be erosive. Prolonged high levels of
adrenaline, for example, force the heart and lungs to work overtime and keep blood
pressure above normal level. In time these changes may contribute to strokes or
heart attacks.
Anxiety is the feeling of apprehension, tension or uneasiness
one gets when expecting danger. We all face some anxiety in order to perform difficult
tasks well, but too much can be incapacitating. Anxiety disorders constitute the
most common group of mental illnesses, including the phobias, panic attacks and
post-traumatic stress disorder. Many people have a simple phobia -- a fear of
specific objects or situations. Simple phobias are fairly common, affecting about
3% of the population.
The phobias are defined as obsessive, persistent, unrealistic,
intense fears of an object or situation. Common ones are acrophobia (fear of heights);
claustrophobia (fear of confined spaces); agoraphobia (fear of leaving the familiar
setting of the home and being in a crowd or public place) and xenophobia (fear
of strangers). They tend to avoid social situations lest they become humiliated
or embarrassed. Insomnia, or difficulty in sleeping, is common in many people
under many different circumstances. In fact more than 10% of people may have sleeping
problems. If one is facing a temporary but important deadline at work or are under
a lot of pressure, he may worry and therefore lose sleep. Our bodies prefer regular
daytime activity, so shift workers have trouble adjusting their patterns of sleep.
Certain
people, particularly war veterans, may suffer from what is known as post-traumatic
events during the war such as explosions following artillery bombardment (shell-shock)
and combat exposure, and often develop such long-term stress reactions. And the
symptoms may appear or intensify long after the trauma had passed. One would experience
recurrent, troubling thoughts, memories and frightening dreams or nightmares.
One could be excessively irritable or anxious and may startle easily. At times
he may seem to withdraw, lose interest in things he usually enjoys and feel detached
from others.
The best thing one can do to cope with stress or stressful situations
in daily life are perhaps obvious, but nevertheless important: eat a balanced
diet, get enough sleep, exercise every day and take time to do the things you
enjoy. Do not smoke or abuse alcohol or other drugs. People who are easily upset
and acutely sensitive to stress can try to reduce their reactions by learning
relaxation, meditation and behaviour modification techniques.
MENTAL ENERGY
MUST BE TRAINED
The extraordinary mental energy or intelligence that human
beings experience cannot be found in other living beings. However this mental
energy is wild and free and it must be trained and controlled for us to benefit
from it. Otherwise, that mind becomes the main cause of our own problems. When
the mind is harnessed properly through intense training, then harmony, understanding
and peace will prevail and we can perform great good deeds not only for ourselves,
but others also. Let us take an example of a great waterfall. Imagine the great
energy that is wasted as the water falls thousands of feet over a high cliff.
But when man controls that energy and changes it to electricity, then people benefit
from it. But remember, even when the mind is trained, whatever precaution we take
to avoid the unsatisfactoriness of our lives, the universal law of impermanence
changes everything in this world. This is the nature of existence. Existing things
change and disintegrate according to worldly conditions. The combination of elements
and energies and their existence together produce objects which we can see and
touch, thus giving them an illusion of solidity and permanence. The cause of their
change is friction of the elements and energies. When a visible object disintegrates
through time it is the dissolution of the elements and energies which have been
compounded. The energy is not lost, but goes on into new forms and the process
continues without end. This is a natural phenomenon and every component thing
is constituted in this way.
There is no reason for us to regard this situation
as a certain creation of a supernatural being or that it is the result of punishment
for a primordial crime. Buddhists regard this as a natural phenomenon. But many
others regard this situation as a problem because changes and impermanence disappoint
this craving for permanent existence. The unsatisfactoriness of life begins when
we realise that eternity in another life, in heaven or hell, is impossible.
The
energies of our bodies are also part of cosmic forces which influence the elements
and energies within our physical bodies. Some of our physical and mental problems
are due to their influence. Some other unknown forces also disturb our lives which
people regard as being caused by evil spirits. Fear, imagination, suspicion and
superstition always feed on such beliefs to disturb the mind. When the mind is
disturbed, we suffer from physical problems.
However, if our minds are well
trained and developed through understanding, we can prevent many of these problems
from occurring. That is why the Buddha has said, 'Mind is the fore-runner of all
good and evil states, mind made are they.' Actually, we suffer from problems because
they are the results of our hallucination. By following the Buddha's advice, we
can eradicate fear and ignorance.
HOW TO FACE DEATH
Another problem that
people face today is how to come to terms with the death of their loved ones,
and this includes parents. We must realize that death is a natural occurrence
and however much we love our aged parents we have to realise the biological fact
that human cells have a certain life span. A time must come when they stop renewing
themselves. It is to be expected that in extreme old age, cells lose their ability
to maintain the balance of the destruction and repair process and can no longer
maintain the body in a healthy manner.
The history of man is nothing but how
he tried to run away from death. Different cultures have tried to run away from
death in different ways.
Mind needs a permanent life but life creates an impermanent
physical body and we take this as life. After that unsatisfactoriness disturbs
the mind.
For those who have lived a long and reasonably happy life and who
have strong religious training impending death can even be a welcome phenomenon.
When the time comes the dying person becomes composed and leaves the world peacefully,
confident that he or she had lived a harmless life and contributed to the progress
of man.In societies with deeply entrenched religious beliefs and unadulterated
cultural patterns, the concept that death is inevitable and a natural part of
the life cycle is accepted. When it does occur in such societies it is treated
with philosophic acceptance of the inevitable and is always treated with dignity.
Human
beings are the only beings who can understand that one day they will have to face
death. That is why they worry unnecessarily about it. Worrying about death will
not make it stop, so why not accept it calmly? Shakespeare makes Julius Caesar
say:
'Of all the wonders that I yet have
heard and seen. It seems to memst
strange
that men should fear.
Seeing that death, a necessary end.
will come when
it will come.
On the other hand, there are those who do not bother at all about
the end of their lives or about what happens after that. However, the majority
not only worry about existing problems but also worry about the next life. All
other living beings are free from that feeling.
We have to realise that whatever
method we adopt to overcome our problems, it is impossible to gain complete satisfaction
in our lives until we train our minds and reduce selfish desire. The teachings
of the Buddha give us a very clear exposition of how to understand the nature
of human problems and how to overcome them and how to face death without fear.
Remember
the simple saying in Buddhism, 'Life is uncertain and the death is certain.' Death
is not the end of a life. In fact death is the beginning of a life and birth is
the beginning of death. The setting sun in this country is the rising sun in another
country. Therefore, birth and death are interrelated.
'The birth of a man is
the birth of sorrow. The longer he lives the more stupid he becomes. What bitterness.
He lives for what is always out of reach. His thirst for survival in the future
makes him incapable of living in the present.' (Chuang Tzu)
The Buddha reminded
us that everything that exists is impermanent. With birth there is death; with
arising, there is dissolving; with coming together, there is separation. How can
there be birth without death? How can there be arising without dissolving? How
can there be coming together without separation?
Birth and death are two ends
of the same string. We cannot remove death and leave existence only. First, man
struggles to avoid death. After that, he prepares for death. Actually we do not
exist but struggle for existence which we call living.
THE SANCTITY OF HUMAN
LIFE
SAYINGS OF THE BUDDHA
Neither for the sake of oneself nor for the sake
of another (does a wise person do any wrong); he should not cling to son, wealth,
or kingdom (by doing wrong): by unjust means he should not seek his own success.
Then (only) such a one is indeed virtuous, wise and righteous - 84
Though one
should live a hundred years, immoral and uncontrolled, yet better, indeed, is
a single day's life of one who is moral and contemplative. -110
Even an evil-doer
sees good as long as evil ripens not; but when it bears fruit, then he sees the
evil results. -119
Even a good person sees evil so long as good ripens not;
but when it bears fruit then the good one sees the good results. -120
Whoever
harms a harmless person, one pure and guiltless, upon that very fool the evil
recoils like fine dust thrown against the wind. -125
Whoever, seeking his own
happiness, harms with the rod other pleasure-loving beings experiences no happiness
hereafter -131
So, when a fool does wrong deeds, he does not realize (their
evil nature); by his own deeds the stupid man is tormented, like one burnt by
fire. -136
He who with the rod harms the rodless and harmless, soon will come
to one of these states according to his own evil actions:
He will be subject
to acute pain, disaster, bodily injury, or even grievous sickness, or loss of
mind, or oppression, or heavy accusation, or loss of relatives, or destruction
of wealth, or ravaging fire. Upon the dissolution of the body such an unwise man
will be born in suffering sates-138, 139, 140.
If one holds oneself dear, one
should protect oneself well by guarding his mind. During every one of the three
watches the wise man should keep vigil. -157
By oneself, indeed, is evil done;
by oneself is one defiled. By oneself is evil left undone; by oneself, indeed,
is one purified. Purity and impurity depend on oneself. No one purifies another
-165
Whoever, by good deed, covers (overcomes, negates) the evil done, such
a one illumines this world like the moon freed from clouds -173
Ah, happily
do we live, without hate amongst the hateful; amidst hateful men we dwell unhating.
-197
Victory breeds hatred. The defeated live in pain. Happily the peaceful
live, giving up victory and defeat. -201
From craving springs grief, from craving
springs fear; for him who is wholly free from craving there is no grief, much
less fear -216
Conquer anger by love. Conquer evil by good. Conquer the stingy
by giving. Conquer the liar by truth.-223
As rust sprung from iron eats itself
away when arisen, even so his own deeds lead the transgressor to states of woe.
-240
There is no fire like lust, no grip like hate, no net like delusion, no
river like craving. -251
Easily seen are others' faults, hard indeed to see
are one's own. Like chaff one winnows others' faults, but one's own (faults) one
hides, as a crafty fowler conceals himself by camouflage -252
Beings who are
ashamed of what is not shameful, and are not ashamed of what is shameful, embrace
wrong views, and go to a woeful state. -316
Beings who see fear in what is
not to be feared, and see no fear in the fearsome, embrace false views and go
to a woeful state. -317
Beings knowing wrong as wrong and what is right as
right, embrace right views and go to a blissful state.
If you do not get a
prudent companion who (is fit) to live with you, who behaves well and is wise,
then like a king who leaves a conquered kingdom, you should live alone as an elephant
does in the elephant forest. -329
- The Dhammapada
-ooOoo-
BIOGRAPHICAL
SKETCH
VENERABLE DR. K. SRI DHAMMANANDA MAHA NAYAKA THERA
Venerable Dr.
K. Sri Dhammananda, doyen among the Sangha ìn Malaysia, has served Malaysian
Buddhism for over 42 years, as spiritual leader, pundit, counsellor, and friend.
He was born on March 18, 1919, in the village of Kirinde, Matara Province, in
Southern Sri Lanka.
He began his formal secular education at the age of seven
and soon developed a keen interest in Buddhism. Helped in this early instruction
by an uncle who was Chief Monk of the local temple, and the example of a devout
mother, he was ordained a novice monk at the age of 12. At this time he was given
the name "Dhammananda", meaning "one who experiences happiness
through the Dharma"
Devoting ten years to a detailed study of the Buddha's
teaching, at the age of 26 he received a diploma in linguistics, philosophy, and
the Pali Canon from Vidyalankara Pirivena. He received a master's degree in 1949
from Beneres Hindu University in Indian Philosophy. After serving Budhism in Sri
Lanka for three years, Venerable Dhammananda was selected to go to Malaysia.
During
the 1950's and 1960's Malaysian Buddhism was poorly regarded by the better educated
Chinese, who thought of it as nothing more than superstition. Venerable Dhammananda,
through the Buddhist Missionary Society, published many articles and pamphlets
on all aspects of Buddhism, and as a result, many became aware of the Buddha's
real teaching. Some of the popular titles he published are "What Buddhists
Believe", How to Live Without Fear and Worry", "A Happy Married
Life", Whither Mankind", and "Meditation, The Only Way".
Though
not a fiery preacher, Venerable Dhammananda was able to captivate the minds of
both the young and the educated with his clear, simple and scientific exposition
of the Buddha Dharma. Venerable Dhammananda has been conferred with Honory Doctorates
by many universities around the world, and bestowed with the royal title of Johan
Setia Mahkota by the King of Malysia. He also posseses what the Buddha described
as the Seven Noble Qualities of a Great Man in the Saka Sutta (A.N. 4:31):
-
He is lovable, respectable, cultured, a counselor and a patient listener, profound
in discourse and never exhorting groundlessly".
BY BENNY LIOW WOON KHIN